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I loved running, just going faster than walking surprisingly made me very happy. Just going foward, towards the finish line. Don't you just love it when you crossed the finish line, you finally could catch your breath and sweat finally drop. There were people that ended, the people that you run with were among them. You look around and cannot resist to smile upon the tired but also determined faces you saw. Why am I in this black ball?

I've tripped, fallen and even guilty of going too close on the lane of others countless times but the experience of myself slowing down only made me excited. "Man I could totally go fast here", the words that came across not just my mind I presume? So I came to love it even more. I became almost addicted, spontaneously breaking into a sprint on almost every flat surface I set my foot on. It was a simpler time, barely any lasting worries. What changed?

November 26th

"Boy, do you love playing football (soccer)? This arrangement... you can't breathe that well can you? I've seen this case far to often on footballers, play too hard and fell or something of the sort. Flu must have been tough, breathing using mouth? Your tonsil is something, but seems to be lesser of a deal than what I am seeing now. I'm going to prescribe you some pain killers, cough syrup and something to ease your throat. Be safe out there, Dengue cases popped up recently and you have the potential."

This put the nail on the coffin that wrote 'Aqil's Singing Career'. Jokes aside, I've been noticing myself getting tired easier in recent years. I felt doubtful, unmotivated, empty. What's under me? Oh it's just my shadow. Why is it getting bigger? Cause I'm eating you bro.

That's how I'm in this black ball, curling up pathetically. I've been kicked around, went out of the playing field but never kicked to goal, the game score is currently 0. Instead, what I am seeing in the field were fouls over fouls. They weren't winning by scoring, this is a red cards race. I know I'm not that interesting as a ball but ouch, y'all be forgetting that you can play. 

Yeah, I've been tired for a bit. Even got confirmed as to why, but I've been drained mentally longer. I can't breathe, I can't voice out, now it's literally. 

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Not that I need them, I am a puppet after all. I am moved by others, void of my own will. I stopped moving a while ago, I was just too delusional to realize it. My strings? Attached to deadmen. I have no guidance, exposed to the otherworldly influence. After all, The Devil knows how to pull our strings. Yeah, I'm just blaming others at this point. The truth is, it is my fault. I got too caught up in hope that I missed the traces of despair incoming. Heh, why am I talking like I could do anything about it? Can I though?. I don't know. I wanted to believe in my strength, but I have long forgotten what they are, what it is. Why am I still having pride, I don't even know what I have going on. I can't stop chasing the wishes, nor would I believe to be able to achieve them.

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I truly feel like a cat Sith. Walking over deadmen, stealing their soul away from God. I took their dreams, now they are not in peace and have been voicing it. They used to be a lot calmer. Nowadays though, a new voice shattered the fragile peace we had. He was a mistake I don't want to end up doing again. He can't hang on, I strung him up. He was strangled with my sins, and he still blames me now. 

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@Aqilless

You use such vivid imagery, in your issues. But the abstractions make it difficult to understand. Though that might be the purpose. 

Perhaps if you cut the strings that were being played with. If you cut the weight dragging you to the bottom you can swim, but otherwise your efforts are fruitless flailing. Or perhaps you even need someone to cut the rope for you. 

If everyone is playing a game of fouls, perhaps you should find those who are playing a game of soccer. Then you won't have to worry about injuries, the game will be more fun, and last longer. Just because the game you started is bad doesn't mean that you have to keep playing. It's something I wished I learned a long time ago. While you should do your best to not give up on others, there comes a point at which you just become a part of that game, and then you are not helping anyone. Not even yourself.

You have an amazing life ahead of you. Just don't tie yourself to somewhere that you can't see it from. 

Love, 

Joseph Bohan

One of the Real Ones. 

 

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Thank you Jo... but I'm afraid that I refuse to cut myself off this torment. I'm the winner of a Russian Roulette, Death congratulated me for it. Over the years though, I realized that I wasn't the victor. I don't want to hate Death, it is part this cycle but to have them taken far before they could bloom pains me. I made them actual part of me by carrying their dreams, as I am still left standing. I haven't cried for more than 10 years, but I do feel like I can now. I've been away from my hometown for a while, but when I heard there are still people alive, I was excited to go back. It was then that I got tangled up in a mess that soon showed me how little if anything I got done. A friend turned to crime, crossed another line and can't listen to reason anymore. I had to do it, had to cut him off the crowd. That was some time ago, and I got his last words. "I chose this Aqil, I thought you would too. Alas, you can't change anything with that weak resolve of yours", a guard told me about the words written on a piece of paper under his hanging body. We were not that close, but as a person that shared an alma mater with me I saw hope in forming a brotherhood. He doesn't know me that well before, but his voice speaks nothing to say that he's just an acquaintance now. He is now the most distinct voice in my head, and I just can't ignore him even when I want to listen to the others. I won't cut the strings, there are still things I need to do. Let me get strangled by them, the show won't be ending anytime soon. I am still young, but I have used 7 over 9 lives narrowly escaping Death's Bounty. Another might be used up soon, so I'll be on my last life. I lied when I said that I am single, Death us actually my lover now that I think of it. Made sense, she got jealous of me getting engaged. It's not that I fell in love with the woman, it's the fact that I lost someone so kind that I haven't got the chance to know that well. Death, honey, we all would meet you soon. I'm sure you're as beautiful as they say, I'm sure you are as gentle and calming as described too but I am still here. Throw me despair, finally throw me more joy, I don't care much. This is your last chance, so better make it interesting before I find release.

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