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Sena

Stuck in a toxic friendship

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Writing this out for the first time in a non-vent format is going to be difficult to keep brief. 

I had my friend in high school move in with me when she turned 18 to get away from her toxic, emotionally abusive and manipulative mother. It was getting to the point where she was unhealthily blocking out every negative aspect of her life with her mom there. They fought every day, and a lot of it I remember and she obviously doesn't. 
We've been friends for 7 years about. She's lived with me for 4 years, the last 8 months or so by ourselves.
I pay for almost everything. The reason I've been letting this slide is that her job doesn't pay her very well. She still spends money elsewhere. She'll complain about not enough food, and then proceed to spend 100$ at Taco Bell in a week and complain again it's basically my fault for not having enough groceries. (We do have food enough to eat, she doesn't prepare any and she could have spent the money on groceries herself) And spent 100$ on new clothes, then complained the next day that I haven't had the money to get laundry done lately. 
Stuff like that 
 
I can't say almost anything without her just saying she'd rather kill herself
 "We really need to do laundry, I've been having to do it at my moms"
"Well it's really hard supporting both of us sometimes"
 "YEAH I KNOW IM HORRIBLE I SHOULD JUST GO KILL MYSELF"
And doesn't listen to me when I tell her she should just improve her situation. She never tries, she'd rather starve then clean a bowl for food, she's just that kind of person. 

One time I was drawing and she came out of the room and said, "What if I killed myself while you were at work and couldn't do anything about it?" and I called 911, but she had just gone to sleep after that. But I didn't want to have to go to work the next day, and just panic the entire shift. They offered her free counseling sessions and she refused.

One time we were going to go to McDonalds, and all of a sudden at the door she said, "The other day I wanted to kill myself but I didn't want to bother you about it because you're always on Discord" and I broke down, left the house, and called the non-emergency number. I was tired of it, I wanted to just get her help once and for all, I was hoping she could go to a psych ward because she's wracking my brain and I don't know what else to do for her. The counselor was nice, but focused on me and told me I could call her any time. I didn't have the heart to say I probably couldn't manage to in the future, due to anxiety. 

She doesn't get help, it's frustrating. I shouldn't be just absorbing all of this from her every day by myself while she does nothing to improve anything. And I've only just realized this after years of her emotional abuse as well. I could make a list of abusive events and how much she's yelled at me. And with current, rather personal events, I'm actually beginning to realize, we aren't really suited to be friends either, and I hate that I'm starting to dislike her because it makes me feel bad. But I do know we need to separate. I'm obviously not what she needs, no matter how hard I've tried to be over these past years. She's manipulating me, I realize that now. She wants my attention when she can't get any in the moment, she wants to basically leech off of me because I let her. 
It was really difficult to accept this because again, I feel bad for thinking this way of a person. 
But yes, she's toxic, a gas lighter, and I really want to escape. I have my own anxiety and self-loathing to deal with, but I don't want her to end up dead because of me either. She lives with me so she wouldn't end up committing suicide from her mom's abuse. But she also complains about moving back to her mom if I nag her about something or have a little spat sometimes because she doesn't remember how bad it is with her.

I'm sorry this was long winded, I knew it was going to be and I tried to shorten it, but I also wanted to express how just how much I'm confused, disoriented, and self-doubtful. 
I don't know what to do anymore.

Edited by Sena

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@Sena 

...................................

You, Miss, are loved. You are a kind a generous person. A person who has sacrificed a lot of themselves for the benefit of others. I know this just from the time I've been here these last 7 months, but it doesn't take that long to get to know people. 

If you read the inspiration topic the power of words, or even just know it from your own experience. "Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart." And when you vent you get to see the very real condition your heart is in. And that is important. Because in reading your words. I can see how much you care for this person. In your entire post, at no point did you attack your friend or degrade her by use of words. (Unless by toxic you were trying slander her and not saying it was hurting you.)

Regardless, you are a wonderful person. Please don't forget that. If I had a quick guess, without jumping into your situation, chances were that the counselor engaged you in that meeting because she realized two things. 

1st, that your mental health was being affected by this situation. And it sounds like you very well recognize that fact at this stage. 

2nd, you are going to listen to him/her. If what you say is true. Then this girl is in a place where they aren't going to listen to help anyway. Therefore, as a professional, it would make sense to not waste time fixing someone who didn't want to be and to focus on helping someone they actually could help. 

Sena,

I'm not trying to encourage you to do anything rash. And honestly, I doubt you would. But in my life I've found that sometimes you need to let go of the things that are hurting you. You need let go of things that are good, such as your love for this person. And you need to pursue a life that is full of love and joy for both you, this person, and the people around you. 

I'm not trying to shame you. Indeed, I would like to do the opposite. But when you are hurting, the people around you hurt. @Joe 【CDVNL】 and @Ryan Seewald 【Static-P】 talk about it a lot, hurting people hurt people. Whether we intend to or not. 

Since I think you are a smart person and I am so encouraged by you and how you interact with people here. I'm going to have you help me.

I have a problem with a toxic roommate, they don't help around the house, they mentally, possibly physically abuse me regularly. I have a job where I can cover my own bills and feed myself. What should I do? 

Sena, I'm glad you care about your friend, but I care about you. What do you need to do to get to a healthy place?

I believe you still love your friend and I can't make decisions for you, but I want you to know, whether you stay or go, whether you are kind or hurtful. 

We love you here. And that will not change, ever. 

Love,

Joseph Bohan

One of the Real Ones

P.S. If you want to talk or need some help. Don't hesitate to let me know. 

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@slightlyaboveaveragejoe 
I see where you're coming from... 
It's a little hard to digest right now, due to not having slept since I've been stressed about this.

I think everyone... Agrees I need to move away or something like that. Or have her move back to her mom's. But that makes me feel like... the effort I've put into trying to help her for years was a waste.
Yes, it does make sense to separate, in your situation too, I just... Even if I grow to dislike her, I never want her dead, but... I think there's nothing I can do for her anymore... It's hard to think about. And I'm extremely non-confrontational and might have an anxiety disorder. It eats me alive to be stuck in this situation, but I think I would hyperventilate trying to escape it in any direction I chose to take. 
What's worse is she's really irresponsible and unknowledgeable about very important things, and I doubt she would try to learn them for future living on her own because she'd rather give up and wallow. There are a few really personal things going on with her as well, past and present, that alter her for the worse too
She's making grave mistakes, even now, that could ruin her life instantly, but she thinks it won't. 
*sigh* 
I'm really really... tired of living this way. 
I feel too weak to try to change it, due to anxiety... 

I thank you for your kind and wise words, Joe.
Sorry that I'm still conflicted >x<;;

Edited by Sena
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@Sena

You are not weak. You have not been weak, but you are not strong enough. There are something's that are too much for us. Something's that leave us stuck because we have so much invested. And it hurts to make that change. 

Indeed there is a difference between knowing the right answer and following through on that right answer. 

And while I will try not to engage you too much simply because I want you to get rest. I want the best for you. I don't want to share what has actually happened to me, it's not on the same level but maybe you'll relate on some level. 

I spent 13 years developing myself to become a golf professional. I started at age 10 and going to just two years ago at age 23 where I became a golf professional. It was exciting. I was glad to meet my goal I had spent thousands of hours and years leading up to this success. 

Then on 11-14-2016 my life changed, forever, my girlfriend broke up with me. And what I had been holding onto for so long fell apart. 

You see many people always said I seemed to have a constant smile on me, but in the months before that date. I had become a golf professional. I had acheived my dream, and now. My life was turning for the worse. I was working about 60-70 hours a week and making less than minimum wage, which isn't too bad in Michigan at $9ish an hour, but it wasn't a financially rewarding career by any aspect. 

I was visiting my girlfriend maybe a couple of days a month. I worked every weekend. I wasn't able to go to church. 

Basically everything that I valued in life was falling away from me because of this career that I had spent so long building myself up for. And when my girlfriend and I broke up. I broke down. I didn't eat for a couple of days. Then it was one meal a day for two months. I slept about four hours a night. 

But I prayed, I read my Bible, and I cried a lot. And in this I came to one conclusion. I needed to quit. I needed to let go of what I had been holding onto. And to focus on the things that were important to me and those around me. 

So I quit my job. I didn't have another one lined up, but that didn't mean much to me. And in an instant. I threw away 13 years of my life. 

And I have never been more happy. I have never been more excited. 

Sorry this was a long story for the simple point that, you don't want to let the short pain you feel when you let something go. Drag you away from taking the leap that will change your life for the better. 

And you know. You'll grow from this too. I know it hurts now. I know it's not fun. But you are stronger than you seems, smarter than you think, and braver than you believe. 

And in case you thought I came to that decision overnight. I was miserable for 4 months. 

So until you decide to make that leap. We will pray for you. We will love you. And we will help you as needed. :)

Thanks for sharing Sena. 

Sorry that my words are just words. 

 

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