Writing this out for the first time in a non-vent format is going to be difficult to keep brief.
I had my friend in high school move in with me when she turned 18 to get away from her toxic, emotionally abusive and manipulative mother. It was getting to the point where she was unhealthily blocking out every negative aspect of her life with her mom there. They fought every day, and a lot of it I remember and she obviously doesn't.
We've been friends for 7 years about. She's lived with me for 4 years, the last 8 months or so by ourselves.
I pay for almost everything. The reason I've been letting this slide is that her job doesn't pay her very well. She still spends money elsewhere. She'll complain about not enough food, and then proceed to spend 100$ at Taco Bell in a week and complain again it's basically my fault for not having enough groceries. (We do have food enough to eat, she doesn't prepare any and she could have spent the money on groceries herself) And spent 100$ on new clothes, then complained the next day that I haven't had the money to get laundry done lately.
Stuff like that
I can't say almost anything without her just saying she'd rather kill herself
"We really need to do laundry, I've been having to do it at my moms"
"Well it's really hard supporting both of us sometimes"
"YEAH I KNOW IM HORRIBLE I SHOULD JUST GO KILL MYSELF"
And doesn't listen to me when I tell her she should just improve her situation. She never tries, she'd rather starve then clean a bowl for food, she's just that kind of person.
One time I was drawing and she came out of the room and said, "What if I killed myself while you were at work and couldn't do anything about it?" and I called 911, but she had just gone to sleep after that. But I didn't want to have to go to work the next day, and just panic the entire shift. They offered her free counseling sessions and she refused.
One time we were going to go to McDonalds, and all of a sudden at the door she said, "The other day I wanted to kill myself but I didn't want to bother you about it because you're always on Discord" and I broke down, left the house, and called the non-emergency number. I was tired of it, I wanted to just get her help once and for all, I was hoping she could go to a psych ward because she's wracking my brain and I don't know what else to do for her. The counselor was nice, but focused on me and told me I could call her any time. I didn't have the heart to say I probably couldn't manage to in the future, due to anxiety.
She doesn't get help, it's frustrating. I shouldn't be just absorbing all of this from her every day by myself while she does nothing to improve anything. And I've only just realized this after years of her emotional abuse as well. I could make a list of abusive events and how much she's yelled at me. And with current, rather personal events, I'm actually beginning to realize, we aren't really suited to be friends either, and I hate that I'm starting to dislike her because it makes me feel bad. But I do know we need to separate. I'm obviously not what she needs, no matter how hard I've tried to be over these past years. She's manipulating me, I realize that now. She wants my attention when she can't get any in the moment, she wants to basically leech off of me because I let her.
It was really difficult to accept this because again, I feel bad for thinking this way of a person.
But yes, she's toxic, a gas lighter, and I really want to escape. I have my own anxiety and self-loathing to deal with, but I don't want her to end up dead because of me either. She lives with me so she wouldn't end up committing suicide from her mom's abuse. But she also complains about moving back to her mom if I nag her about something or have a little spat sometimes because she doesn't remember how bad it is with her.
I'm sorry this was long winded, I knew it was going to be and I tried to shorten it, but I also wanted to express how just how much I'm confused, disoriented, and self-doubtful.
I don't know what to do anymore.