Oooookay I feel awkward being the first person to post here but this is where I always used to rant when I felt down so here I go....
I need to vent somewhere to stay sane so here i ramble off again. Um so if anyones curious what this is about uh please its just me rambling about random sad thoughts you can ignore this.
Anyways I feel homesick lately. I feel like I miss somewhere I used to be. The problem is that I am home. Im sitting in my house, in my room, like always. I couldn't be more home if I tried. But it feels so dark and strange these days, I don't feel relaxed, or happy, or anything near being home. I used to be so happy all the time. I felt so relaxed. I had it so much better than everyone living around me, who were driven to study night and day for their planned out strict future. But now I just feel empty and tired, I can't get myself out of bed in the morning because I don't want to deal with waking up, and I can't go to bed without lying down and staring into the air while I worry and cry about things that will probably never happen. Something hurts inside me constantly and it wouldn't be so bad if I just knew exactly why... Maybe its because of the reason that a lot of things have been falling apart lately. To rant a bit more...
I recently almost got into a argument with my parents because of how homophobic they are. They basically disowned me but I lied to them about myself, and they half believed it. I know that I can just cut contacts with them as soon as I leave the country but it hurts that people that I have looked up at for my entire life are now making me feel locked in. I used to respect my family because of how they raised me, but now I don't know how I even feel about them anymore. I feel like Im detatched from them with just a string of lies connecting us.
Theres also the fact that someone that I used to love emphasis on used to is attempting to be friends with me again. Basically I liked someone and reasoned that 'it didnt matter if they didnt like me back im satisfied with being just a friend' but well they didnt even think of me as a close friend and instead thought of me as...annoying or clingy. Anyways I moved on from the simple crush but the problem is they still expect me to trail after them and do what they please. And now that the only feeling i have left is resent, everything becomes extremely awkward. Now Im just tired, and I sort of expect everyone to care less about me then I care about them.
This isn't really the only example something Like this happened to me and I just feel like i care more than I used, I always act overly attatched and ruin friendships, and that maybe it isn't worth ever continueing any social relationship at all if itll just end in me feeling worse. Its probably not true at all but im scared. Im starting to unintentionally back away from contacting any of my friends, and stop myself from getting emotionally conected with people. I want to stop this, its driving me crazy.
Strangely even though I try to push people away I still care about them too much. And then that creates more fear. Im afraid that everyone i love deeply will end up leaving my side and leaving me alone. Either because they no longer care for me or because of a event that causes them to leave, Im scared that people will leave from my life and leave me alone. So much people have drifted away from me and I want to stay with the people I have, yet Im scared they'll hurt me by leaving too. I feel like im trapped in a loop where the only way to leave is to be hurt.
Maybe this will all pass and my feelings and thoughts will fall back to normal, but I needed to write everything down somewhere before my depression came back completely.
Anywayys if anyone read all this for any? Reason??? Thanks I guess for wasting your time on my long useless venting. Hope your life goes better than mine.