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WanderingSoul

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About WanderingSoul

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  1. ~To preface, this is a spliced topic from my previous post. Due to the nature of my topic being too long, I am separating the topics so they may be more easily covered.~ — One of the things that I’ve always struggled in my life has been making friends. When I was a child, I simply felt no need to; I was happy and had fun on my own. By the time I actually got around to wanting friends, everyone already had their groups. This is not the focus of this topic however. This struggle has made me very appreciative of the friends I do have; they’re one of the things that keeps me going. However, I’ve also dealt with another struggle my entire life: friends not initiating anything. Throughout my life, I have always been the one to start conversations, make plans, see how they are doing, you know, basic friendship stuff. And yet that kindness is so rarely returned to me. Not to mention, there are several whom simply do not respond to me if I try to start a conversation with them. I understand that people are busy, and that there’s a chance I’m just being whiny, but is it really that hard to just say “hey, I can’t talk now”?? It makes me feel awful when I do not get any sort of response back from the people I care about. I rarely bring this concern up with my friends for the reason of not burdening them, but I’m honestly just really getting sick of this happening, over and over again. It makes me feel worthless and that nobody actually cares. What does one do in this situation?? I’ve been tempted to just not respond and see how many people actually care, but I feel like I’d just end up with no responses and an empty social life.
  2. So, for the past couple of months, I’ve been in a really dark place, mentally. I’ve had struggles with college, lost friendships, worked a job I hate, and mutually parted ways with my girlfriend of four years. The medication for my chronic depression that I’ve been taking has not been working, and my attempts at seeking help via therapy haven’t gone over well. I’ve become abashedly cynical to myself, and a burden to the friends I care deeply about. I feel painfully lonely and frustrated that I am the one that has initiative in my friendships a majority of the time. I’m frustrated with myself that I’m no one’s “go-to” conversation buddy. And I can’t bring myself to bring it up with my aforementioned friends, because I don’t want to be even more of a burden. I am feeling my ability to love slip away, and it terrifies me that soon, I don’t think I’ll have the capacity to love anyone, any more. I’m beginning to hate people in general, and no matter how much I try and keep my empathy alive, I can feel it dying. I want to fill the emptiness that sits in my heart right now, share life with someone, but because of the aforementioned lost ability to love, I don’t even think I’d be able to give another girl the chance to even on the slim chance one would be interested in me. It frustrates me to no end. I’ve become angry at God, despite me praying frequently and for a long time being convinced he has a good plan for me. I feel that “plan” is to douse me in overwhelming sadness and grief until I finally snap and visit him myself. I don’t believe he wants me to find happiness. I believe he wants me to suffer. What does one do when they lose the willpower they’ve so long held, that has gotten them through struggles before? I know that “this too shall pass” but that only comforts my future; not my present. (EDIT: It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering not initiating conversations with anyone, just to see how many people would actually care. I don’t wanna do that yet, cause admittedly it’s an awful thing to do as a friend, but I’m approaching that point.)
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