So, for the past couple of months, I’ve been in a really dark place, mentally. I’ve had struggles with college, lost friendships, worked a job I hate, and mutually parted ways with my girlfriend of four years. The medication for my chronic depression that I’ve been taking has not been working, and my attempts at seeking help via therapy haven’t gone over well.
I’ve become abashedly cynical to myself, and a burden to the friends I care deeply about. I feel painfully lonely and frustrated that I am the one that has initiative in my friendships a majority of the time. I’m frustrated with myself that I’m no one’s “go-to” conversation buddy. And I can’t bring myself to bring it up with my aforementioned friends, because I don’t want to be even more of a burden.
I am feeling my ability to love slip away, and it terrifies me that soon, I don’t think I’ll have the capacity to love anyone, any more. I’m beginning to hate people in general, and no matter how much I try and keep my empathy alive, I can feel it dying.
I want to fill the emptiness that sits in my heart right now, share life with someone, but because of the aforementioned lost ability to love, I don’t even think I’d be able to give another girl the chance to even on the slim chance one would be interested in me. It frustrates me to no end.
I’ve become angry at God, despite me praying frequently and for a long time being convinced he has a good plan for me. I feel that “plan” is to douse me in overwhelming sadness and grief until I finally snap and visit him myself. I don’t believe he wants me to find happiness. I believe he wants me to suffer.
What does one do when they lose the willpower they’ve so long held, that has gotten them through struggles before? I know that “this too shall pass” but that only comforts my future; not my present.
(EDIT: It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering not initiating conversations with anyone, just to see how many people would actually care. I don’t wanna do that yet, cause admittedly it’s an awful thing to do as a friend, but I’m approaching that point.)