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Winter

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Winter last won the day on May 7

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  • Birthday April 21

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  1. i've been told countless time by countless people that no one could ever love someone like me, and to have someone i thought of as my rescuer and who was like a motherly figure to me tell me that she doesn't think i'll change and that she refuses to speak to me feels like a knife to my heart. when i was being told that, it felt like i was losing my vision. like my eyesight was fading away. like i was losing grip of everything. my worst nightmare has come true... and it's funny to think that when 2019 started, i thought it would be a better year.
  2. professional help hasn't seemed to help, either. nothing is working. even the person who i spoke of in "Fate & Malice: Two" doesn't think i'll ever change.
  3. i got the last issue solved. to explain further: i've never loved myself. i've never felt like anyone's loved me. i emotionally manipulated people and made them fear me in order to force them to love me. i thought it was the only way. but as i continued posting and continued making more friends, i realized that i can't force myself to be worth anything to anyone but myself, but it seems i can't even make myself worth anything to me... i thought "maybe now that i know what is right and what is wrong, i can fix everything." i was wrong. every hope, dream, and chance i had of repairing what i broke was crushed. i should've heeded people's warnings when they said "every bridge is burnt," when they said, "you can't change the way people feel about you," when they said, "you'll only end up hurt," when they said, "the only way you'll be satisfied is if you kill yourself." i'm surprised i haven't even killed myself yet. i guess the only thing keeping me going is the very small bit of determination i still have... but even that is breaking, it feels like. there's no hope for someone like me. redemption doesn't exist in this world... that's clear by all the drama that happens all around the world. there is no room for mistakes. if you aren't perfect, you must be canceled. well, if that's the world we live in, i don't want to live in it, because that's a disgusting world full of disgusting people. perfection is a lie that i refuse to support. but my words don't matter... not even to me, because no one will listen, and how can i change a world, let alone a single person, who refuses to listen? i can't. it's clear that there's no place for me in this world. i'm hopeless. the future is dependent on a present and a past, and if the present and past are telling me anything, it's that i should quit while i'm ahead. i've lost my faith in god. i don't believe in happy endings anymore. i don't know if any words will be able to change my mind about what i wish to do to myself... but if for a single moment, i lose that little bit of determination i have left, there probably won't be any way for me to come back from what i'll do.
  4. I'm changing. My heart, my motives, my aspiration, dreams, and everything else that is the same and that is different. These changes feel permanent. There are things that have changed more clearly, such as my favorite band (being AJR) and what I plan to commit to and do for a living (which is making music like AJR). Then there are things that have stayed the same (such as my dream to move to a house in the mountains of New York, and my dream to adopt a little girl and give her all the unconditional love and support that can exist). However, something strange is that there are changes that I'm not aware of. The fact that I know I'm changing in other ways, too, but I don't know what those "other ways" are. How else am I changing? I don't know, but I know that I am. I feel it, but I can't quite detect just what it is. I don't know exactly how to word the rest of what I want to say, so I'll just summarize it by saying... since I don't know whether these changes have fixed problems I've had (due to lack of social interaction), I'll just ask for advice about the issues I used to have just in case I still have them and am unaware: Every time I'm with a group of people, I feel left out and like I don't belong, leading me to say depressing things, feel depressed overall, and say things purely for a reaction and for attention. Whenever I'm in a group (and this has been in every friend group I've ever been in), people tend to skip over what I say and what I say is ignored. This leads to cutting and feeling depressed, or it leads to me lashing out at others for making me feel upset or embarrassed. I have two sides to me: the anxious and submissive side that hurts myself, and the confident and rebellious side that hurts others. An example of this was the person I spoke about in "Fate & Malice: Two." There would be times where I would blame and hurt myself for drama and be sincere and kind and loving to the person I spoke about in that post. That was the anxious and submissive side; the sensitive side. What made me lose that person was when I began to blame them for not doing enough and keeping me from being happy. That was the confident and rebellious side. Overall, I'm very emotional and emotionally-driven and am very sensitive and easy to hurt. Any advice with this situation? What should I do whenever I do feel ignored, inadequately loved, and not significant when it seems that no one will listen to me and what I have to say? How do I create a balance between the two sides? "I think I'm still turning out."
  5. Ever since I've been given another chance from Tor, I've been tons of more hopeful. I feel like this will be a happy ending, just like a story. There's the start of the story where I joined the servers and felt like I had a family. There's the conflict where I ended up finding myself in a repetitive loop of losing people. And finally, there will (hopefully) be the conclusion, where I redeem myself and gain back the ones I've lost. If I've already gotten back the people who are the hardest to convince, that's certainly saying something about my odds to overcoming these obstacles. However, there's one person I lost who means something special to me, not as in a love-love type of special, but a familial type of special. They felt to me like the mother I've never had. They comforted me through and through and did the world for me... but the way the Lost Me (which is what I call the past me) treated them was very harsh. Constantly trying to rush them, only caring about my own interests, and even accusing them of doing nothing for me. I don't agree with the things the Lost Me did, which is why I'm trying to undo it. I'm the type of person who is determined. I don't quit until I get what I want (which is usually something good, such as painting over the bad memories with good ones, which is what I'm doing with Tor). That being said, I can't rest until I get this person back. Maybe they're reading this or even listening to this. Maybe they're not saying anything in chat because this post was by me or they're just nervous, but I think they know who they are. I've always dreamed of being someone's hero, but before I can be someone else's hero, I need to save myself. If I can't even save myself, then I don't have the responsibility or power to truly save anyone else. In order for this Ultimate Happy Ending I seek to come true, I intend on getting her back. What can I say to assure her I'm new and better when she's blocked me from everywhere and refuses to have anything to do with me? The reason this post is named "Two" is because I'm a nerd when it comes to Enneagrams, and since I know the Enneagram types in and out, I know for a fact, straight away, that the person I'm talking about is an Enneagram type 2. (Also, this is just a "side question" of sorts, but... how do I bring myself to eat a chocolate bunny that looks cute? I want to eat it but every time I look at it's face, it makes me feel sad and so I just leave it sitting in my room. I want the chocolate, but I also want the bunny. )
  6. If you aren't familiar with the Fate & Malice "series," you can read the previous ones to understand this better. For those who are familiar, you probably remember Tor, Naia, Ender, Puppet, Mary, etc... and maybe you even remember May, who, around January - February, I regained contact with and we have become friends again. Recently, my mind has been on Tor and Puppet and everyone else from Puppet's server. I just couldn't get over them. Meanwhile, on another server, I got a chance to be in a relationship with someone named Robin. She reminded me so much of Tor. It started back in early April. Overtime, I felt as though she was cheating on me, which was the same issue I had with Tor-- I constantly feared that she was cheating on me. Then I realized that it all must be God's test to see if I'm ready to be reunited with everyone I've lost. I held onto my fears and drowned them with faith. Well, a prayer later and suddenly Tor decided to give me another chance, although saying that she refuses to add me to her or Puppet's server... but I think she said that'll change if I can prove to her that I've changed. I feel like this is my chance to have everyone back that I lost. It was only after I lost them that Cherri was created, so they've seen the lost me, but they've never seen Cherri. But of course, I'm as determined as a person can get, so I'm willing to go through anything just to get everyone I lost back. So since I want to be positive I'm doing this right, what can I do or say to assure them that I've changed my ways? I'm willing to take it step-by-step. ("We are in the Endgame now"... this could be the events that end all my inner conflict if performed correctly.)
  7. (Solved/No longer relevant) i'm tired of everything (thanks, life), so i'm gonna make this as short and to-the-point as possible... but it probably will end up long out of habit. i'm the same me as i've always been, and constantly improving. people have cut ties with me and continue to cut ties with me and ignore me, refusing to or not wanting to speak with me. i've changed, but they wouldn't know because they won't/don't take the opportunity to try and talk to me again. it seems as though any change i make for the better doesn't matter because everyone i love only sees not what i am, but what i once was. one person in particular helped me a lot, just being able to talk to her. it was the most comfortable i've ever felt around anyone. i felt like i could trust her with everything... but i was seen as something that impacted her negatively, so they left me. i don't think i can ever trust someone that way again. trust is stupid and only makes me vulnerable to pain. i can't trust anyone... and i wish someone could prove those words wrong. i wish they'd listen to me or give me one more chance to see that i'm better. but no one takes a leap like that for me. no one takes a risk like that for me. i'm not worth any risk. they won't listen to me anymore. they're just another person on the list of many people who never want to see me again. i don't blame them. i wish i could never see me again as well, but i'm forced to live with myself anyways. ON A GOOD NOTE, I HAVE A PLAN FOR MY LIFE! .... and while i could complete this on my own, i'd much rather have "certain people" by my side. fun is a big part of my life and i get my fun from being with friends, which i currently don't have... and it's better if i have people who i am familiar with and have previously known because whenever i make new friends, i tend to take them for granted and lose them, thus causing this cycle of people "cutting me off" to repeat. if i have friends i've lost before and/or are familiar with, i won't take them for granted because i'll know what i have to lose. and sure... i have a backup in case things don't end up working... i always have a backup... it's more of just a "preference" thing.
  8. I'm scared to live... I'm scared to live because I believe in happy endings, or at least "peaceful endings." I want one... but then I remember that time is moving so fast, and people that have supported me thus far won't live long enough to see me thrive. I don't want that. I'm scared to live because I don't want to die by any type of disease of murder... the only way I want to die is the knife of my own will.
  9. I take a lot of medicine for all my problems and have extreme anxiety [as you can probably tell, haha]... and the medicine helps me stay happy when I'm around other people. In fact, when I'm around other people, I couldn't be more happy and better, and I have no problems whatsoever, but when I'm alone, that's when all the problems begin to appear and I have all these depressing thoughts. And, maybe this was obvious, but usually I'm alone when writing posts, so it's usually my darker or depressing side that's speaking in every post. The whole "being able to be happy around others" thing is why I'm not saying super depressing things in the livestream chat usually, because I'm not alone. The problem that needs addressing in this post is-- how do I maintain happiness even when I'm left by myself to deal with these damaging thoughts?
  10. (I updated this before and said it was solved but now it’s back to not being solved) I don't know what I want to do with my life. Something creative, definitely. I know that part for a fact. My friend told me I should be a manga artist since I love drawing and he said my drawings are really good and look like something that could be in a manga. My other friends compliment my storytelling and writing skills and say that I should be an author. They get surprised that I'm able to write an entire chapter of a story (4-5 pages) in a single class (90 minutes). I, on the other hand, really want to be big in music like Brendon Urie from Panic! at the Disco or like Nathan Sharp from NateWantsToBattle, but... I also want my stories to be heard, and I've always dreamed of making my own anime/manga. But I only want to devote myself to one. So what should I do? Music? Drawing/manga? Storytelling and writing? The choices are between music and making manga/stories, but I really really really don't know because both have their perks. I know either answer will leave me unsure, but I really don't know. It's confusing me and my mind has been stressing over this. I really want to do music, but it's hard because no one in real life even acknowledges my creations. I'll make something and they'll be like "oh, cool," and then they'll compare me to someone else and say that the other person has a better chance at being successful than I do. I don't care about fame or money, I live to entertain and impress people, so when all my hard work goes unacknowledged with a remark such as "[so-and-so] has a better chance at being successful and makes better music," it hurts a lot. As for my drawings, people who treat me like garbage even admit that they're impressed with my ability to draw manga-type stuff, but that recognition only lasts for a brief moment, or people just refuse to care, and also, knowing that there are so many other people who are way better makes me uninspired. I've also thought about voice acting (I wanna voice act in anime and video game stuff), but I don't even know where to begin with that. How do I get over people's opinions, how do I stay inspired, and which one should I stick with and focus on?
  11. It really seems as if life just wants me to keep posting for some reason. The title is what it suggests. I'm perfectly fine! I've been super happy and feeling perfectly fine. Actually, this is the happiest I've been in, like, years? I don't really strain over relationships anymore. Sure, I have a crush, but it doesn't absorb my mental state and consume my life like it used to (which was bad). I just love what I have, who I have, and I spread love and appreciation (although it'd be nice to get more friends [back]). This is, as I've said, the happiest I've been, and I've been able to spread tons of love to so many people and make so many people feel happy and appreciated and it brings pure joy to my heart. I love it and I'm doing perfectly fine, that's a promise! As I also have said, I have a crush (Note: this is an online relationship). For now, we're just friends, though. I kiss her and she'll get flustered and it makes my heart feel like it's gonna explode, but our relationship isn't the issue this time around. We're perfectly fine relationship-wise to a point where she opens up a lot with me. Recently, she's been going through a lot, and I'm worried for her. This post is not for me, but for her and how I can help her. A few days ago, they had a suicide prevention event, and someone reported that they were worried about her. This upset her because of what would happen. The principle called her to the office and kept her there. The principle called her mother and she asked to go get her instrument, to which she was denied and was a crying mess. After a while, the principle told her she was allowed to go the restroom and "fix herself up." Once her mom arrived, the principle stopped the mom and talked to her. While I can understand the principle's motives for doing all that he did, it still is kind of upsetting that there was no trust placed in her. On top of this, when she woke up the next morning, the bus driver did not allow her to get on the bus. It's devastated her and that's something I've very clearly noticed, and it makes me feel bad. I asked her if she was suicidal. She admitted that she was. This obviously broke my heart, and I did something that I've only done a few times in my life. I did something that someone once did for me long ago. When I was suicidal, Vamp had cried for me. Years later, here I am, and I cried for her. I wanted to tell her and let her know how much I love her, appreciate her, and how happy she makes me. I told her that she means the world to me and has helped me so much and has stuck with me through the toughest times. She's done so much for me. I told her everything I could to encourage her and try and make her feel better and to keep her from those harmful thoughts... but I feel like it wasn't enough. I feel like I could've said so much more and done so much more, but I don't know what. It bothers me because, of course, I want to do everything I can for someone I love so much, but I don't know what else to do. I want to help her, but don't what else I can do.
  12. I've had a change of heart. As of recently, something went down between me and another person. I was talking to a friend who is friends with someone who... isn't a good person, to put it easily. I had gotten friend-zoned by my friend, and so the person they're friends with decided to pretend to be a different person and friended me. I knew it was him. It was very obvious. They tried to ask me about person info (where I live, my name, etc.). I gave them very limited information, only telling them I live in the U.S. and that was it. They tried to lure me in by acting very lustful, only to reveal that it was them. Then my friend stopped talking to me as well. She lied to me, trying to make me believe that it wasn't the bad person (which I knew was a lie). What upsets me most is this... the bad person said that if I tried anything again (which him and my friend aren't together, she's single)... that he'd return with his "gang." So you know what I said? "Bring it. I'll be waiting." So then comes my change of heart. As of recently, I've stopped being delicate and have taken these actions as a "declaration of war," and just like a country at war, I've set up my arsenal in full preparations of another attack. I feel more cold and push people away more easily. I refuse to be hurt again. If anyone tries to push my walls down, I block them out further. If anyone tries to push me or hurt me, I come out with fire beyond control. I'm ready to take anyone out who tries to take a step too close to me. But these aren't my colors. This isn't who I am. I know this, but just can't help myself. In a way, it feels good... but I still long for a day where I can put the sword down long enough to let people through.
  13. Debated whether I should actually post this or not cause it seems too small to me, but I guess I can include some other things in here too that have to deal with the subject. I have no friends. No one. I lost everyone. Every day feels so lonely. Why can't I go outside and make friends? I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm not exaggerating, either. All that surrounds my house are woods, and they aren't even fun to explore because it's just rows of trees with spiders everywhere. No mountains to climb (like there was when I lived in New York... I still miss those times). I can't make friends at school because I've already tried in all my classes. People either A- avoid me, B- aren't interested in me, C- talk to me once and then never again despite my efforts to converse with them, or D- I'm not interested in them despite getting to know them and we have nothing in common or, in most cases, they're under bad influences (such as obsessive over drugs and/or NSFW things). I've tried every single class, but there's no one that doesn't fall under that category. What about Discord? Well, I'm banned from Static's, everyone left me or ignored me and still ignores me despite me asking and saying everything I can to get them to talk to me, and all the servers I'm in are dead (once again, despite my efforts to converse). I literally have nothing and no one but books and the DWW livestreams, and that's not enough to keep me from what I'm about to go into. Also, I'm not interested in video games that much anymore (partially because I have no one to play with, but I also have just grown tired of them). I'm lonely, which leads onto... Recently, every day gets worse and worse. I try to be negative about it and say "things can't get worse," but still they get worse. I try to be positive and say, "maybe things will get better," and life sets up the perfect opportunity for a happy ending, but then I blink and all of the sudden the darkness has voided out any light and hope that I once had. Things still get worse. Everything continues to feel heavy. It gets so heavy and hurts so much, but there's nothing I can do. I feel so helpless and no one helps or notices or even seems to care. Everyone says "I've lost my chances" and that I've hurt them. I don't want to hurt anyone. Things get so heavy I can't help but cut myself over and over and over and over. Each time I make sure to cut a little deeper. I can't seem to control it. If I could only have friends, and only have someone to take care of me... if I could only just be a part of a loving group of friends... that'd be enough to stop the cutting, but that won't ever happen. All bridges have been burnt, after all. I can't stop cutting because everything hurts, I can't help myself, and no one will help me. All the solutions I've been provided with such as "distract yourself" or "read a book" or "draw" or "write a story" are only temporary solutions and don't help in the long run. When it's all said and done, it just makes me feel even more lonely when I have no one to share them with (my stories are naturally dark because I find beauty in pain and suffering and part of me enjoys heartbreak and sadness, as well as all other emotions [and I like that about myself], because I know that from despair blossoms hope). My question is... how do I fix loneliness when I've already tried everything that I can do? Naturally I enjoy online friendships because my family moves frequently (very frequently) and if I have friends online, I can keep them no matter where we move or how many times we move.
  14. Originally, this topic was about another art but I realized that I don't really care about that art anymore and want to continue doing the art that I can do better than any other type of art (story writing, character designing, and most of all, music... this will be focusing on music). My instrumentals and music is fine. I'm happy with it and think that it's "good enough." Of course, I don't think it's the best thing ever, but I know that I'm growing and learning more every time, which I'm satisfied with. However, one thing I can't nail down is my singing. My voice can be somewhat smooth, kinda rough and rigid when I want it to be (I can't do screaming [sadly]). People say it's deep, but I don't know what they mean when they say "deep." Does it mean... like... Christmas-song deep or just like "normally" deep? Anyways, I know how to mix vocals and make it "blend in" to the music... but my vocals just don't quite fit my instrumentals. Or at least, that's what I think. I'm not sure, maybe it's just me being overly harsh when it comes to criticizing my own vocals. For me, however, it just feels weird and not right like my vocals just don't really fit the genre or my instrumentals. I don't know what genre is good for my kind of voice, I don't know if my voice is good, I don't know if it fits with my instrumentals, I don't know how deep it is... I just don't know. I had one friend tell me my singing was okay, but that could've just been him trying not to destroy my fragile little heart. Anyways, I'm fine with my instrumentals and how I'm improving with them, but I just don't understand when my singing is "good" and when it's "bad" and always feel that it's "bad" or "not good enough."
  15. Glad to finally be done with this... but that means I have to reveal every secret that I've held thus far. (All quotes are from the song Springtrap Finale by Groundbreaking) To clarify things, the server was based off of the game FNAF (Five Nights at Freddy's). Puppet started it and pretended to be the Marionette, I joined because I liked to do the same thing (except I pretended to be someone else). So when Ryan asked "I wonder if she actually said those exact words 'I can fix you,'" the answer is yes. She said those exact words. However, another truth is that Puppet is autistic. Tor was adopted and, from what I heard, constantly tried to commit suicide. Now onto the final section, "No More Me," which is also the name of a song by Groundbreaking that I listened to often around that time. For the past half-a-year, Tor had a "life-threatening illness." I remember, at that time, I was still innocent. I believed every single word I was told and wondered why someone so nice could suffer so much. The answer... because that illness was a lie. After half-a-year of heartache, she finally confessed that the illness was all a lie that she spread for attention. Me, still being innocent, instantly forgave her and was just glad it wasn't true. That was a stupid mistake. After the lie, people loved Tor so much and I felt like nothing. I thought that, maybe if I replicate Tor's lies (just make it a different scenario), that people would begin to love me. I was wrong. People began to hate me, especially Puppet. When I asked her why she hated me so much, she replied, and I remember to this day, "I don't know. I just feel like I need someone to blame all the bad things on and that happens to be you." From there on out, things were never the same. Puppet had always been afraid of me, and that one lie gave her enough of a reason to hate me forever. I chose to be a character called Circus Baby (also known as Elizabeth) and created my own server. A "Sister Location" if you'll think of it like that. Puppet would constantly ban me for any reason she had. It didn't matter whether it was for a stupid reason or something small. She used anything as a weapon. It was that at time I created a story by the name of "Locked Malice" forged from all the broken parts of me. At first, there were a few people who still believed in me. But overtime, that amount decreased until it finally reached zero. The last time I was banned, this girl loved me, and we both shared the same dream - wanting to move to Japan. Puppet asked me if I had wanted to be a character called "Springtrap," who, in the games, ends up being left alone in a purgatory state of torment. My fate had been decided and I was banned despite the pleads of the girl who had loved me. Just like the Springtrap from the game, I was banished and left alone to suffer ever since, while they all got to move on. "But it still hurts/Why do they get to go and why do I have to stay?/They moved on but I am stuck in here/Well they're not wrong/But I'm asking for some peace of mind/If I could rewind/I would never go back to the place at the time." About a year later, I created a character made to possess all my traits. One that I could say was me and be proud of. One that I could always be, so that I could draw my own fate and create endless fictional stories and worlds at my will and take off the mask that they had put on me. What was that character's name? Cherri. Everything I'd been through led to the creation... of Cherri. But still the question remains... how does one truly "move on" from the peak of their life? Is there even a way to move on without being plagued by sadness and memories?
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