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Cherri

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About Cherri

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  1. Debated whether I should actually post this or not cause it seems too small to me, but I guess I can include some other things in here too that have to deal with the subject. I have no friends. No one. I lost everyone. Every day feels so lonely. Why can't I go outside and make friends? I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm not exaggerating, either. All that surrounds my house are woods, and they aren't even fun to explore because it's just rows of trees with spiders everywhere. No mountains to climb (like there was when I lived in New York... I still miss those times). I can't make friends at school because I've already tried in all my classes. People either A- avoid me, B- aren't interested in me, C- talk to me once and then never again despite my efforts to converse with them, or D- I'm not interested in them despite getting to know them and we have nothing in common or, in most cases, they're under bad influences (such as obsessive over drugs and/or NSFW things). I've tried every single class, but there's no one that doesn't fall under that category. What about Discord? Well, I'm banned from Static's, everyone left me or ignored me and still ignores me despite me asking and saying everything I can to get them to talk to me, and all the servers I'm in are dead (once again, despite my efforts to converse). I literally have nothing and no one but books and the DWW livestreams, and that's not enough to keep me from what I'm about to go into. Also, I'm not interested in video games that much anymore (partially because I have no one to play with, but I also have just grown tired of them). I'm lonely, which leads onto... Recently, every day gets worse and worse. I try to be negative about it and say "things can't get worse," but still they get worse. I try to be positive and say, "maybe things will get better," and life sets up the perfect opportunity for a happy ending, but then I blink and all of the sudden the darkness has voided out any light and hope that I once had. Things still get worse. Everything continues to feel heavy. It gets so heavy and hurts so much, but there's nothing I can do. I feel so helpless and no one helps or notices or even seems to care. Everyone says "I've lost my chances" and that I've hurt them. I don't want to hurt anyone. Things get so heavy I can't help but cut myself over and over and over and over. Each time I make sure to cut a little deeper. I can't seem to control it. If I could only have friends, and only have someone to take care of me... if I could only just be a part of a loving group of friends... that'd be enough to stop the cutting, but that won't ever happen. All bridges have been burnt, after all. I can't stop cutting because everything hurts, I can't help myself, and no one will help me. All the solutions I've been provided with such as "distract yourself" or "read a book" or "draw" or "write a story" are only temporary solutions and don't help in the long run. When it's all said and done, it just makes me feel even more lonely when I have no one to share them with (my stories are naturally dark because I find beauty in pain and suffering and part of me enjoys heartbreak and sadness, as well as all other emotions [and I like that about myself], because I know that from despair blossoms hope). My question is... how do I fix loneliness when I've already tried everything that I can do? Naturally I enjoy online friendships because my family moves frequently (very frequently) and if I have friends online, I can keep them no matter where we move or how many times we move.
  2. Originally, this topic was about another art but I realized that I don't really care about that art anymore and want to continue doing the art that I can do better than any other type of art (story writing, character designing, and most of all, music... this will be focusing on music). My instrumentals and music is fine. I'm happy with it and think that it's "good enough." Of course, I don't think it's the best thing ever, but I know that I'm growing and learning more every time, which I'm satisfied with. However, one thing I can't nail down is my singing. My voice can be somewhat smooth, kinda rough and rigid when I want it to be (I can't do screaming [sadly]). People say it's deep, but I don't know what they mean when they say "deep." Does it mean... like... Christmas-song deep or just like "normally" deep? Anyways, I know how to mix vocals and make it "blend in" to the music... but my vocals just don't quite fit my instrumentals. Or at least, that's what I think. I'm not sure, maybe it's just me being overly harsh when it comes to criticizing my own vocals. For me, however, it just feels weird and not right like my vocals just don't really fit the genre or my instrumentals. I don't know what genre is good for my kind of voice, I don't know if my voice is good, I don't know if it fits with my instrumentals, I don't know how deep it is... I just don't know. I had one friend tell me my singing was okay, but that could've just been him trying not to destroy my fragile little heart. Anyways, I'm fine with my instrumentals and how I'm improving with them, but I just don't understand when my singing is "good" and when it's "bad" and always feel that it's "bad" or "not good enough."
  3. Glad to finally be done with this... but that means I have to reveal every secret that I've held thus far. (All quotes are from the song Springtrap Finale by Groundbreaking) To clarify things, the server was based off of the game FNAF (Five Nights at Freddy's). Puppet started it and pretended to be the Marionette, I joined because I liked to do the same thing (except I pretended to be someone else). So when Ryan asked "I wonder if she actually said those exact words 'I can fix you,'" the answer is yes. She said those exact words. However, another truth is that Puppet is autistic. Tor was adopted and, from what I heard, constantly tried to commit suicide. Now onto the final section, "No More Me," which is also the name of a song by Groundbreaking that I listened to often around that time. For the past half-a-year, Tor had a "life-threatening illness." I remember, at that time, I was still innocent. I believed every single word I was told and wondered why someone so nice could suffer so much. The answer... because that illness was a lie. After half-a-year of heartache, she finally confessed that the illness was all a lie that she spread for attention. Me, still being innocent, instantly forgave her and was just glad it wasn't true. That was a stupid mistake. After the lie, people loved Tor so much and I felt like nothing. I thought that, maybe if I replicate Tor's lies (just make it a different scenario), that people would begin to love me. I was wrong. People began to hate me, especially Puppet. When I asked her why she hated me so much, she replied, and I remember to this day, "I don't know. I just feel like I need someone to blame all the bad things on and that happens to be you." From there on out, things were never the same. Puppet had always been afraid of me, and that one lie gave her enough of a reason to hate me forever. I chose to be a character called Circus Baby (also known as Elizabeth) and created my own server. A "Sister Location" if you'll think of it like that. Puppet would constantly ban me for any reason she had. It didn't matter whether it was for a stupid reason or something small. She used anything as a weapon. It was that at time I created a story by the name of "Locked Malice" forged from all the broken parts of me. At first, there were a few people who still believed in me. But overtime, that amount decreased until it finally reached zero. The last time I was banned, this girl loved me, and we both shared the same dream - wanting to move to Japan. Puppet asked me if I had wanted to be a character called "Springtrap," who, in the games, ends up being left alone in a purgatory state of torment. My fate had been decided and I was banned despite the pleads of the girl who had loved me. Just like the Springtrap from the game, I was banished and left alone to suffer ever since, while they all got to move on. "But it still hurts/Why do they get to go and why do I have to stay?/They moved on but I am stuck in here/Well they're not wrong/But I'm asking for some peace of mind/If I could rewind/I would never go back to the place at the time." About a year later, I created a character made to possess all my traits. One that I could say was me and be proud of. One that I could always be, so that I could draw my own fate and create endless fictional stories and worlds at my will and take off the mask that they had put on me. What was that character's name? Cherri. Everything I'd been through led to the creation... of Cherri. But still the question remains... how does one truly "move on" from the peak of their life? Is there even a way to move on without being plagued by sadness and memories?
  4. This post covers the second half of the section "Jealousy" of the original post "Fate & Malice." ... Summary #2: (Continued off of Part 1) ...One week, Tor was gone, and Naia was extra flirtatious, so she made a move for me. I couldn't resist... well... I could've... I just didn't. Vamp, upset by this, left and I never saw her again. I don't blame her for leaving. It was my fault for being too greedy and trying to keep everyone at once. Without Vamp, though, things became much harder for me. Tor didn't really care or didn't show any care for what had happened between me and Naia, seeing as me and Naia never really ended up getting together. Me and Tor continued on with our relationship. After a while, Puppet apologized for banning everyone and everyone crawled up to her feet, forgiving her instantly as if they needed her or something. I was upset by this, but I ended up getting over it quickly and forgave Puppet myself. Puppet invited everyone back and it was all okay, or so I thought. Issue #2: To this day, I can't get over who I've lost. I distract myself and try my best to get lost in time, forgetting all that surrounds me. My mind, however, constantly brings back memories, forcing me to get flashbacks to the good times I had. It brings me nostalgia to have fun, to listen to old songs I used to love, to play old games I used to play, to be who I used to be, and I can't escape the memories. The nostalgia hurts. The thoughts in my mind remind me of how much happier I'd be if I could only have my friends back... loss is my greatest enemy and time gives it power. Currently, more and more friends I have seem to be leaving me. They no longer care about me or want me. I used to have so many friends that I couldn't keep up with them. Now, I only have two. One doesn't speak to me much. The other is the person I'm in a relationship with. It feels so lonely, but I try to keep myself happy. It fails to work each and every time. It doesn't matter how much I try to stand still, the hourglass keeps moving, and I'm swept away by its endless sands of sorrows. Every day, I'm drawn closer and closer to the knife. When will I reach the end? Only time knows. -.-.......-..-... (Edit: I lost everyone and have already done self-harm. I have also retreated back to the name "Cherri.")
  5. Fate & Malice: Jealousy This post is about the third section of the original post called "Fate & Malice" containing the name "Jealousy". A lot of energy has been taken from me and it took effort to post this rather than to just give up on everything cause recently I've just been lacking... anything, really. Energy to do anything. But anyways I'm pushing myself to do something. Also as a side note, my new name will be Elizabeth, if you still even remember that name (no one probably understands that reference). As for gender, I'm gender fluid so feel free to call me they, she, or he (although I prefer "she"). Just wanted to clear some things up. Now onto the actual reason I have awoken from my deep slumber...! This post is going to be divided into sections because there are so many issues that go along with it, that it will have to be divided into even further sections. So that's the reasoning why you'll see "Issue #1" and "Summary of Section (Part 1)" instead of just "Issue" and "Summary" (as normal)... so the next post will also be about this same section, but with a different issue. Hope I didn't confuse anyone. Here we go. Summary of Section (Part 1): I copied and pasted this cause I'm tired and lazy. I began to realize how much less time I spent with Vamp, so I had Puppet add her to the server. I ended up falling in love with Tor and confessing to her, which she actually accepted. One day, I wanted to be a certain character, and that character had more power than the character Puppet was, so Puppet got upset and banned me from the server. That was the first ban I had ever received from her, but not the only. Everyone agreed that the reasoning behind the ban was ridiculous, so Ender, a guy who I'd never known before, talked to Puppet and I ended up being invited back after a while. A girl name Mary joined the server and Ender and Mary ended up getting together. Then, Tor decided one day to make her own server. It got bigger and bigger and people from Puppet's began to spend more time there. Jealous of this change, Puppet decided to ban random people from Tor's server from hers and specifically banned me, Naia, Tor, Ender, and Mary. This allowed us all to bond and become closer as we all were upset with Puppet. I also learned at this time that Vamp was jealous that I was with Tor. She, too, had feelings for me. I got with Vamp, then I got back with Tor, then I stayed with Tor and secretly got with Vamp. I didn't want to have to choose, but I knew I'd have to if either one of them was to be happy, which is why I chose to be with both... (to be continued onto the second half of the section) Issue #1: So... basically... I cheated on Tor to be with both Vamp and Tor because I didn't want to choose one or the other. I often have this issue because I have difficulty choosing because I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know I'd have to choose. I knew they'd end up finding out, but at the moment, I knew it would delay the pain, which ended up coming back to get me in the end. I don't know how to choose one thing over another because I don't like missing any opportunity. -Elizabeth
  6. This post is about the second section of the original "Fate & Malice" post which was named "The Beginning of Malice." Summary: I met this person who went by the name of Puppet (my life turned more digital as a result of Vamp, who was the first person to care for me and my mental help). Puppet invited me to a server she had, to which I rejected the invite. A week later, she came back to invite me again. I decided "sure why not" and began learned more about Puppet, and I met many other people (girls) such as Naia (who all the boys would chase after), Tor (transgender), Dan (who I called dandan, and was a young girl despite what the name suggests), Shadow, and then a bunch of others who weren't normally on as much as the others who went by Caden, Ally, and others I can't remember at the moment. They were all so different and unique. We had common interests, but we were each very different. I was told that we were all a big family, and that made me happy. Even though we were all different, I felt at home and like I belonged. I never had ever met such colorful and similar yet different people. It was beautiful, the feeling I got when I was around them. Puppet told me (as everyone's proclaimed "leader") that she could fix me and my problems, so I trusted her. I had no issues and was happy, so I just spilled random issues I previously had. She didn't know how to fix me. This was the beginning of the fall. Issue: This is... well. Spoiler alert: things end up falling apart. This entire story ends as a tragedy... for now, maybe. Maybe even forever. That being said, the point I'm trying to convey is that I no longer have them in my life (since they kicked me out). The problem is, and the thing that hurts the most is, I don't think I'll ever find such a strange, accepting, familial, similar, yet so different and colorful group of friends like that ever again, and it hurts so badly. It's a fear more than a simple pain, honestly.
  7. This question regards the first section of the "Fate & Malice" post which I named "The Beginning of Fate" which I'll try to summarize as much as possible and get to what the issue with it was: Basically... I moved to New York, made some friends, those friends moved (I didn't mention that part originally), then I made new friends, met a pretty girl named Anna in a way that felt like fate and fell in love with her, and got rejected countless times causing me to go berserk and I became overly obsessive to the point of being a physical threat to my friends. Then a girl online who went by the name "Vamp" (she wouldn't tell me her real name) saved me from self-harm. I think the biggest issue I had (and still have) with this portion of my life is that I too easily fall in love and get overly emotional with many things, especially love. When I find something I love, it becomes an obsession and impacts me mentally, physically, and in (pretty much) every other way. Issue: I don't know how to control my feelings (especially when it comes to love) and feel as if I need to be obsessive over something in order to be associated with it like I want.
  8. For Don't Worry Wednesday (if possible ^^;;) (All of this happened between the span of the start of 2016 until now. I'm mentioning everything just so that I don't leave anything important out. I'm sorry if this is too long or something, but I hope I'm able to make it interesting enough. I wish to know my flaws and how I can improve on them more than anything, and what to do now.) The Beginning of Fate This whole chain of events started around 8th grade for me, and I was around 14 years old. I lived in northern section of New York, in the mountains. There was this girl named Anna, and I loved her. She was beautiful and outgoing. I remember the first time I even made eye-contact with her. In class, we were told to pick someone and stand back-to-back with them, unable to see their face. No one chose me, seeing as no one really cared for me. It just so happened to be the case that no one chose another girl as well (I have no clue why, even to this day, other than "fate"). We were back-to-back as instructed, and finally our teacher had told us to turn around and talk to our partner. I remember turning around and facing her, ready to say what I wanted to say when suddenly all words left me. I was left speechless, in a trance, by her beauty as she said the exact things I was going to say. Still, to this day, regarding all that has happened, I believe that was a moment where I felt love like I never had before. Everything had become so bright and heavenly as I continued to be entranced, only able to reply by nodding and simply agreeing with everything she was saying. I knew then and there that I had to keep this feeling. I had fallen in love and from there I couldn't escape it. I fantasized over her in class and she was all that was ever on my mind. When I talked to friends, it was always her I talked about. One friend in particular began to notice this and call me out on it. My response? Well, I began to talk about even more and got more violent. At the time, my parents had given me a knife which wasn't even legal to have in that state, but I didn't care. I began to threaten my friends with it contemplated stabbing one of my friends with it just for fun. The day had come where I finally got the guts to ask Anna out. She accepted... or so I thought, until later she came up to me saying she only said "yes" because she didn't want to embarrass me in front of everyone. Afterwards, I became depressed and my friends (I don't know why considering I treated them the way I did) cheered me up. My hope was restored. I tried again. Failed. My friends cheered me up. My hope was restored. I tried again. Failed. I decided that I should take this as a sign that no one could love someone like me, especially if the same person has it in them to reject me three times in a row even after continuously changing myself for their approval. I had made the decision that I was going to go home and kill myself, and nothing could change my mind. I got online and said goodbye to the only friend who I had that was online. She went by the name "Vamp." I would spend my free time with her when I had nothing else to do seeing as we had a lot of likes in common. I didn't know it meant so much to her, but she cried for me. She cared about me enough to cry for me. Enough to want to do something to keep me living, so I stopped. I had a reason to live. From then on, I decided I should try and spend more time with Vamp. The Beginning of Malice I would come home every day to spend time with Vamp. We had so much fun just talking and playing games together. My routine was simple and cured any pain I had before. I was fixed. One day, someone who went by the name "Puppet" (WHICH IS A REALLY IRONIC NAME CONSIDERING HER ROLE IN WHAT'LL HAPPEN!!) came on and invited me to a server she had. Apparently I had friended her randomly. Fate must've decided this, too, because this doesn't just turn out to be any normal invite. I rejected the offer, seeing as I was waiting for Vamp and didn't want to miss her getting on. A week later, Puppet came back. I decided "sure why not" since I didn't want to hurt her feelings (also ironic). I joined her server and it was just me and her. She told me all about everyone that I would end up getting to know if I decided to stay. Naia, your typical girl who all the guys usually chase who is also super flirtatious and caring (for whoever she considers her friends). Tor (short for TortoiseTrouble), a transgender. There were many more people, but they'll come up eventually. Shadow, Dan, Caden, etc.. Tor was the first person (besides Puppet) that I met. Naia was the second person I met, along with Dan, who immediately left because they claimed someone they knew was trying to commit suicide. Dramatic start. We all got together and played a bunch of random games. I was kind of forced into taking care of the "pregnant Puppet" in the form of roleplay. I, of course, had no clue what to do, so Tor helped me out and I spent a ton of time with her. Puppet told me (outside of roleplay) that she could fix me and my problems and that I could be open with them. Thus marked the day I began to care about Anna once again, bringing back an old issue to Puppet. She knew she couldn't fix me. My care and time spent with Vamp began to fade. Jealousy I began to realize how much less time I spent with Vamp, so I had Puppet add her to the server. I ended up falling in love with Tor and confessing to her, which she actually accepted. One day, I wanted to be a certain character, and that character had more power than the character Puppet was, so Puppet got upset and banned me from the server. That was the first ban I had ever received from her, but not the only. Everyone agreed that the reasoning behind the ban was ridiculous, so Ender, a guy who I'd never known before, talked to Puppet and I ended up being invited back after a while. A girl name Mary joined the server and Ender and Mary ended up getting together. Then, Tor decided one day to make her own server. It got bigger and bigger and people from Puppet's began to spend more time there. Jealous of this change, Puppet decided to ban random people from Tor's server from hers and specifically banned me, Naia, Tor, Ender, and Mary. This allowed us all to bond and become closer as we all were upset with Puppet. I also learned at this time that Vamp was jealous that I was with Tor. She, too, had feelings for me. I got with Vamp, then I got back with Tor, then I stayed with Tor and secretly got with Vamp. I didn't want to have to choose, but I knew I'd have to if either one of them was to be happy, which is why I chose to be with both. One week, Tor was gone, and Naia was extra flirtatious, so she made a move for me. I couldn't resist... well... I could've... I just didn't. Vamp, upset by this, left and I never saw her again. I don't blame her for leaving. It was my fault for being too greedy and trying to keep everyone at once. Without Vamp, though, things became much harder for me. Tor didn't really care or didn't show any care for what had happened between me and Naia, seeing as me and Naia never really ended up getting together. Me and Tor continued on with our relationship. After a while, Puppet apologized and everyone crawled up to her feet, forgiving her instantly as if they needed her or something. I was upset by this, but I ended up getting over it quickly and forgave Puppet myself. Puppet invited everyone back and it was all okay. No More Me Tor, for the past half-a-year, had a "life-threatening illness." This made every day tragic for me as I saw the struggles she went through mentally and physically. "Why," I would ask, "would someone so nice have to suffer this much?" It would hurt me mentally, even preventing me from getting any sleep during some nights. One day, Tor approached me. She had admitted a truth that I would never forget; the illness was fake. A lie. It was merely for attention. I, at the time, instantly forgave her and told her it was all okay and that I was just glad that it wasn't true. Everyone loved Tor so much, so I thought if I did similar things, such as faking suicide attempts and cutting, people might love me, too. Me and Tor, despite being a relationship, had a secret battle for attention going on. This would last up until the very last moment I spent on the servers. You see, Puppet had decided to take an action that would only put me further down into the dark. After the whole battle between the servers, Puppet had decided she needed a scapegoat. She decided that she needed someone to pin all the bad things on so that another battle between servers or its people wouldn't happen again. One day I asked her why she hated me so much. Her response was also something I have memorized to this day. She replied, "I don't know. I just feel like I need someone to put all the bad things on and that happens to be you." I was their scapegoat. At first, people didn't believe Puppet. Overtime however, as I began to fill in the role Puppet had assigned me (out of bitterness), more and more people began to believe her. I thought that if I were to show people what it really is for me to be bad, that they'd believe me when I am good. This had the opposite effect. Once I made one mistake, people would continue to see that one mistake forever. They'd always hold onto it and never let go, believing Puppet more and more. They, too, would make mistakes, but Puppet had pointed everything bad to me, so when I proved her right, they'd all hold onto it. I was their scapegoat, taking every little blame. In the meantime, I had met May. At first I loved her, but then I stopped and decided to be with Tor once again. My relationship with Tor was really rocky due to the whole scapegoat issues. May had began to love me back, and as I kept on getting banned each time, less and less people fought for me. Eventually, I was left with May and only May, who I had rejected many times due to wanting to stay loyal to Tor. Since I only had May, I decided to be with her. That lasted for about a month, and then she finally decided to suddenly end it as a way to have "payback" on me for rejecting her for an entire year. I was all alone. The Final Decision (that I can't make alone) After a while of sadness, I had joined Static-P Friends! Things were great! I never expected to meet such colorful people like I had met on Puppet's server. It surprised me and my hopes began to rise. Although, I did have a few bad moments, causing me to have to take a break for a few months. And that's where I am now. I haven't been back on the discord server yet, but hopefully soon that'll change. That aside, recently, after a year of nothingness, Ender had contacted me, but then disappeared shortly after. Naia then contacted me a month later, then May after another month passed. Me and May are friends now, and it might only stay that way. As for Naia, I recently convinced her to talk to Tor about giving me another chance since Tor ended up hating me the most. (Maybe because she admitted that she, too, had pinned the blame on me to avoid getting negative attention for the things she's done and is too afraid that I'll blow her cover.) Anyways, I forgive her and everyone else that treated me the way they did. I have since moved from New York and I really miss it. It's as if I left my heart there, in the past, where I lived in New York and I had Puppet and all my other friends. Those seemed to have been the times of my life. Naia said that if Tor rejects the proposal to talk to me, that she's not going to continue to try. This worries me. I don't know how things will go. Should I even try to go back? Should I try to leave the past behind and move on? Even after a year, I can't move on at all. I really want them back, but is it the right thing? I don't know. I might not even have a chance. Tor might just reject my offer and I'll lose the chance I have. Maybe she'll accept. Maybe by the time this is even seen or addressed, she's already made up her mind. I don't know. It all worries me. I have faith, but I'm worried. I don't know what to do, I just want them back. Any advice? (Note: Naia's my only way of communicating with anyone from the servers as of now.) (UPDATE 1: Tor said "no" and so now I'm left with no option but to give up. The problem is I don't know how to let go. I've been trying for a year but my mind won't let it go itself. Also I forgot to mention that, since I moved, I have no more IRL friends and I don't live anywhere where I can just walk outside and meet someone new. I've been told a million ways a million times how to let things go, but no suggestions have really helped at all for me. UPDATE 2: Turns out I have ways to contact Puppet without her knowing. Whether she'll know it's me or not is something I don't know. I also have contact to one of Puppet's friends who I never mentioned in the story. She's nice and knows it's me and talks to me normally when I approach her. I could also get Naia to talk Ender into talking to me once again. Once I have all of them, maybe I'll have a chance to get people to listen to me. Now it's just a matter of what to do and if I should. I really, really want to and would be more happy getting them back than letting them go, I guess I just need overall advice more than anything.) P.S., sorry for making this so long, I wanted to try and make it as short as possible while still keeping it detailed enough to supply the information needed. I left out a lot of other times I got banned in order to make it shorter since many other times I got banned were for reasons similar to ones previously listed.
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