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Artist22

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Artist22 last won the day on April 25

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  1. I am excited to say that I have a new boyfriend. I broke up with Kaleb a few months back, after sorting out my feelings and it was mutual, he promised that he would try to be a good friend to me if I ever needed to talk. To give some back story, I met AJ on Discord and we clicked instantly and began to just tease each other and joke around and have fun. Everyone in the discord immediately shipped us together because we were apparently 'flirting' which both AJ and I don't think we ever did. About seven days ago, AJ and I both came clean about our feelings for each other. The person who made the first move was me and part of the reason I did it was because I had gone to see the live action "Lion King" and when the song "Can you feel the love tonight" came on, I immediately thought of AJ and I. I told everyone on Discord we are now boyfriend and girlfriend and surprise, surprise almost everyone said "Well it's about time!" Everyone had come to the conclusion that sooner or later we would end up dating. A couple days after we started dating I began debating if I should tell Kaleb. Because I had told him that if we ever did meet in person that maybe, just maybe we might be able to date again if the feelings are still there. In the end I did tell him and I felt a bit guilty because it just seemed he became sad and I understand why but it makes me feel bad. The one thing he said was "As long as he makes you happy, I am happy". It made me feel better but at the same time I still felt a bit guilty. I think I made the right decision though in telling him even if I still feel a bit bad. However, I can say with confidence that looking back at why me and Kaleb began to date rather than when AJ and I started to date is different. Kaleb and I started to date because we were both single and we kind of had feelings for each other and our feelings grew through the years we were together even though we were far apart. As time went on we both started to talk less than when we first began to date. Looking back now I think the only reason we really did date was because we thought we could make each other happy and that there would be no one else for us, which is not a good frame of mind now that I look at it. With AJ we understand each other, he is able to tell me no or he doesn't give in so easily and will tease me back. He will allow me to be in control for a while but will step in and help or take over if he sees that I need some encouragement. Down side to this relationship is once again it is long distance and he is even farther than Kaleb. He lives in Barbados, which is over 3,000 miles from where I live. I am not really sure if this is even a question or rather me just telling someone what is happening, because once again I am not telling my family about me being in a relationship since they don't think a relationship like this would work. I have faith that we can make this work, with God's help and some hard work. AJ plans on becoming a nurse and he plans to eventually study abroad in America near where I live once he has the basic classes taken care of in his home country. I am sorry this is so long, there is so much more I would like to say but I think you guys have read enough of this to understand. Thank you again, God Bless you both! -Kendra- P.s Something knew just came up that completely and utterly change many things. I just found out that my dad is prejudice against interracial couples. And this hurts because part of it is he is my dad and I want him to approve of who I am with. My mom has talked to him about how that isn't what God wants and that he wants us to love and care for others, then again it also has to deal with how he was raised. My mom's main concern is that he is from a different country and would like him to be part of the US before we start dating. I understand her point of view and AJ and I are taking things very slowly. We are just concentrating on one thing at a time. But who knows the future can change.
  2. It has been a hot minute and I am sorry if this is really long, I have had so much happening these past couple of months. First off I have had commissions for painting and I am hoping to get my business rolling with the frosty frolic and the fling thing that our town holds for small businesses. Second I have had to go to family reunions and I will be heading to a wedding for my cousin on Saturday. Third, I have been working to try and get my bank account back up and thankfully I have it up just enough that it should cover my gas purchases for this school year. As I will be commuting back and forth so that I will not have to pay extra money for a dorm room, considering that last year I stayed in the apartments and the apartments are shut down for renovations. It would be hard for me to go from having all that space and my own kitchen to a small room with no kitchen and a lot more restrictions. Now on to my main concern I have. My concern is that I won't do well in the frosty frolic or the fling thing and then I will be loosing money from the rent of the booth. I would move to a slightly bigger city because I know selling art in a bigger city tends to do better, but I don't like being in a place where buildings are so close to each other and there are hardly any trees or green landscape. I can handle being in the city where my college is but, there is so much stuff happening there, I just couldn't live there, especially with all the noise and sirens. My main problem for me is that I don't have the money, I won't have the money to live on my own until I have most of my student debt paid off and rent is really high, and I don't just want to find a cheap apartment in a not so good neighborhood. My friend Haly has offered me to move in with her, I would love to, however I don't think it is such a good idea with how often I am making a mess with my art. I have things spread out everywhere and in a small apartment that might not be such a good idea. And knowing my friend she likes to keep things clean and in place and it wouldn't be fair to her to live with that. If we could rent a house where there are multiple rooms then, yes I would be okay with that, because then I can have a room that is just for my art and my business and she can have her own space for her office! I am thinking that I should make a business card so that if I were to travel some place out of state and I have my art book with me, then maybe I could expand my business. I know I will need to create a website so that others have the opportunity to see and be able to purchase my art, but at this point I think I just need to focus on finishing my last year of college and being sure I pass my classes. I know this is a lot and I am sorry if I was jumping all over the place. I kind of have been keeping a lot in and have a lot to say. I will probably make another post. Thanks again, God bless you guys. -Kendra-
  3. Recently I have been selling a lot of art work. I have a bunch of records that I am painting because they are either scratched or broken. Well I have 8 commissions, 3 of which are big paintings each done with different paints and 5 records. I am happy that I am making money this way, but I also have my summer job working at a restaurant and I also have my YouTube channel which I am working on. So with all this I am up late at night painting and I haven't been making my videos like I want to. The next day I am very tired but I get up and get back to painting before I head in to work. I will be getting a break this week but I still have a lot of paintings that I still have to get done. I want to get back into making my videos but I don't want to force myself and then my stuff end up not being that good. What should I do to not push myself so far? Am I making sense? Anyways thanks for reading this. -Kendra-
  4. As you know I have a boyfriend that I really do love with all my heart, but recently I have been feeling a different kind of love for him. I don't necessarily love him in the romantic way any more, but more so in a friend kind of love. When I first started to date him I was head over heels for him and I loved him doting on me and telling me how much he loves me. However now that I am older and I am busy with other things and have made many new friends, I have grown to realize who I actually am. I enjoy being with other friends and talking and being creative and helping others, but I also realize that I am a person who loves human contact and being able to hug them and hold hands and so much more. It is hard having a long distance relationship and I have come to realize I have exited what some people call the "honeymoon" phase. To be honest I feel like we aren't even boyfriend and girlfriend and I think that is partly my fault because I haven't told anyone in my family we are boyfriend and girlfriend and I also kept introducing Kaleb as my friend, to the point where I think we are just friends, really good friends to be exact. However I believe this would be good for us to grow our friendship and then perhaps when we meet in person we can begin to date again. I have talked to Kaleb and he is okay with this as well. However I am concerned that I might meet someone else and want to date them. I am not really sure on anything with relationships when it comes to me, but when it comes to other people I am able to give them good advice and everything works out for them with their relationship. What should I do if I meet someone else and we end up liking each other but I am still not sure if I am ready to be in a relationship? Sorry this was so long. -Kendra-
  5. I recently went on Omegle to try and see if I could meet a Youtuber named Pinkstylist, well instead of him I met a grade a jerk that shot down myself confidence. They called me tranny trash and said that I was born a guy and should just admit it because I have a jawline like a guys apparently and my body build looks like that of a guys and that I have no curves and that really hurt because I have been trying to lose weight. I haven't been very confident in how I look and I have friends that have helped me to feel good about myself again. But this guy brought me down again, I am sure this person is going through a bunch of stuff for them to say things like this and I will pray for them. I really just need help to try and bring that self confidence back up and figure out a way to not let people bring me down like this again. Any suggestions? Thanks once more. -Kendra-
  6. Today I was on discord and was talking to my friend Jarrel. He works as an audio technician and has his own youtube channel. He started to talk about how he got a new microphone that he plans to use eventually. I told him congratulations and that I couldn't wait to get a new microphone. The microphone I have now works well and is okay for a beginner microphone, but there are a few problems with it. One I can't have headphones plugged into my computer to listen to myself as I am recording myself. Two, my microphone makes me sound like I am underwater at times and even with all the editing I do with my computer, it isn't as great of quality as I would like. Anyways I told him that I am currently trying to save money because I need to build my savings account back up after this year of college kind of has drained me. He then proceeds to ask me what my budget was for a microphone and I told him $50. The only way I would probably get one that is like $100 would take me a little while longer. Well to my utter shock he went and bought me a microphone for $168.00 on Amazon!! I told him that he didn't have to do that and he replied "I know but I want you to succeed and this is a gift so you don't have to pay me back" I told him that it is hard for me to accept a gift like that that is soo expensive! He told me it was fine because he recently got a bonus and he is getting his pay check this week. I told him that I will pay him back some how, and he said "no you don't". I want to pay him back because this gift is too much! I know Jarrel really well and he will not take money from me. He just wants me to succeed and I will do my best as to not let him down, but I have to pay him back somehow other than my videos and me succeeding in that. We made a fake document on Word, saying that we have adopted each other and that he is my older brother and I am his little sister! He is a really good "big brother" but I want to pay him back and I don't really know another way to, we live in different states and I don't really know when I will actually get to see him in person. It is hard for me to accept a gift that expensive from someone I care about because I am used to having to work for things for myself or getting something that is less expensive or used. I don't think my paintings are enough to pay him back. What should I do? I feel like I might have already given myself an answer but I probably am not seeing it. Sorry for how long this was. If you are confused about anything just let me know and I will explain the best I can~! -Kendra-
  7. I understand completely. I am wanting to meet my boyfriend who lives in Georgia! And I am currently living with my parents who have no clue we are dating but know that we know each other. They worry about me and being online and my dad keeps telling me not to give out where I live and what not. I understand why your parents are worried, but you are old enough to make your own decisions, they might not like them now, but they need to get to know them better. If I were you I would sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel. I haven't done it yet with my parents because there is never a right time. But I think you should talk to them and tell them how you feel! Meet up with your friend and have your parents actually meet them and get to know them so that they can see what you see in your friend. I don't know if this helps, but I hope it does! Don't worry though, everything will work out in the end.
  8. Hey guys I hope you all are well. I am feeling happy and this is because I recently found out that I had three great great uncles and aunts that became priests and nuns. They all lived in Dun Bummel Netherlands, in this way I feel like I feel a bit closer to God and my family history. Also our out door cat Mama Kitty had five kittens and we can't wait for when they are older so that we can name them.I will be taking online courses this summer so that next fall I can graduate and be done with school for now! The last question I had was how I was feeling depressed and undeserving of love and well recently I have been telling myself I am loved and that I love myself. It lifts my spirits up when I think about that and what you guys have told me. Anyways that is a bit of an update on me. Now this question isn't that serious like my last questions. So in two weeks I will be done with school for the semester and my final for water color is an artist choice and I am struggling to figure out what I should do for it. I could do a still life, abstract, landscape, or illustration and I do love to paint flowers but I am not so sure of what I should do. I have posted some of my work in here below so you can see. I need to figure out what to do! I want to know now so that I am not rushing what to do and so my art doesn't become crappy and that is not something I want to do. What do you think I should do? -Kendra M Wokal-
  9. First off I want to thank you guys once more! I am so happy to have met you! You guys have given me so much that I needed hear. Anyways, this week has been hard for me. I have been depressed and crying and feel like I don't deserved to be loved. That I don't deserve to have what I have! My friends have made me laugh and smile to make me try and forget it. But it keeps coming back and I have prayed to God. Every time I pray, I cry. And every time someone tells me that they love me, that I am so kind, caring and loving and that they really love me, I cry! I cant help but cry because I feel like I don't deserve those words. I think it is probably my anxiety for classes, the worry that I have let everyone down with my decisions for what I am doing for my major and that I am failing myself. I feel tired everyday now and I don't know what to do. I feel weak for crying but I know I am strong, that is what my friends tell me. I don't know, please help. Thank you. -Kendra-
  10. As soon as my cough is gone and I am better, I am going to be recording and posting my new series called "A Siren's Tale". But sadly I am nervous that people wont like it, even though I have many people working on it that are just as enthusiastic about it as I am. I am putting my heart and soul into it! My Yandere videos have been doing good, but I don't want to do those anymore, because they put me into a bad frame of mind. I have many ideas for this and I am so excited and I hope you guys could tell me what I can do. I think you might have talked about something similar to this before but I just am feeling so proud of the work that I am putting into this video! What advice do you have to give me? -Kendra- update: My cough is basically gone, but now I am in a funk where I want to record and finish but I don't want to force myself to record because I want this audio to be good quality. I feel like those that are working on it with me are being let down even though they understand. The last three days I have been having anxiety over almost everything and been depressed and crying, so I haven't recorded everything. I have decided to not go forward with being a teacher, since it is causing me so much anxiety just thinking about being a teacher. I will just graduate with a bachelor degree in art and if I feel up for it later on, go for my education degree. I feel like I have let everyone I know down though, especially those that gave me the money to use for the praxis. I wish I could be me again.
  11. Last night after I got off of Discord with my friends I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and I just started to cry. I don't know why but I just started to cry. I broke down just crying and I couldn't figure out why. As soon as I looked at the messages of my friends I realized that I was feeling lonely and I was wishing that I could actually have a real hug instead of a virtual hug. I messaged my friends David and Jarrel and they both told me to go into the VC chat to talk to them and the others. Immediately as soon as I got on I broke down in tears and I couldn't stop, everyone was doing their best to cheer me up and telling me that they all loved me and that I was important to them. Typing this right now I am tearing up remembering the support they gave me. Eventually they got me to laugh and I got so many messages in private telling me that if I ever needed to talk that they would be there for me. In a way I feel guilty for just crying and even embarrassed, I usually try to not cry in front of others because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I am usually there for others just listening to what they want to say and giving advise if they want it. I hate crying in front of others but they told me if I needed to that I could, that I don't have to cry by myself. I wish I could meet all my friends in person and just give them all a big hug. I am sorry if this is too long, to be honest I think I just need to hear from someone that it is okay to cry so I don't feel guilty. In high school I had to hide my feelings because I didn't want there to be any rumors or have people make fun of me for crying in school. Thank you for reading this. -Kendra M Wokal-
  12. You all know I was planning on perhaps making art lessons on my channel, but recently I started to create some Roleplay ASMR videos. Right now they aren't that good because of the equipment I am using, which is just my phone and head phones. I feel good about creating this and I feel like it will help me be able to talk out loud when I start my art lesson videos. I am a bit self conscious of my voice even though I have had many people tell me that they liked it. Sadly though I have to many ideas in my head but I don't have the proper equipment to be able to create the videos that I want. I don't want to just create videos for views, I want to create works of art in a way. I know you have talked about my self-consciousness before but this is different, because people are actually in a way hearing me. They aren't hearing my singing voice, they are hearing me, my acting voice. It's kind of scary but it feels good in a way, I don't know. What do you think? -Kendra- update- I found my microphone so some of the new content I made sounds better. I am also going to collaborate with another ASMR youtuber. I just hope I can give him what he wants for the voice.
  13. I am having trouble drawing people. I am in a figure drawing class and I am struggling to draw a human, I can draw the skeleton just fine but I am struggling to draw the flesh. I have been practicing dozens of times on trying to draw them, to get the proportions right and I just can't seem to get it! My teacher and my friend have told me that it is probably because I am used to drawing anime figures where the proportions are exactly correct. However, I cant even draw the body of an anime figure, just the head and face. This is the one thing in art that I am struggling with, I have never struggled so much with any art form until this! We are going to be drawing a live human next and I am actually concerned that I will fail. I know I need to continue practicing but if I don't get better with practice it's not going to help me. What should I do? -Kendra-
  14. I am currently in Adolescent Psychology for a second time because I failed to meet the requirement grade to pass the class. Thankfully I have a different teacher, however, the tests are all done online and I only have so much time to complete them. I am always second guessing myself and I try not to do that but then there are times that when I do second guess myself it is a good thing because I end up getting the answer correct. I have never been a good test taker and with a class like this, it basically what I am graded on. I am thankful he gives us writing assignments so that I can get even a few points, but I am struggling. How can I stop second guessing myself? -Kendra-
  15. I am feeling lonely! Valentine's Day is tomorrow and my boyfriend is planning on making a video of him singing some song for me and I don't have anything and I feel bad about it. Not only that but it is also my brother's 16th birthday and I can't be there to celebrate it with him and help my mom with getting things ready for his party. I have asked if my friends have any plans and basically all of them are working or have to stay home with family. What can I do so that I am not feeling so lonely? And any ideas on what I could do for my boyfriend and my family? -Kendra-
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