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Aqilless

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Aqilless last won the day on December 11 2018

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  1. "All according to keikaku(plan)" How I wish I could say it for once again, how I wished for the simplicity of the past. I am not much of a religious person, but there's a saying that I held in high regard. "We can plan, but God wills what'll happen" Over the course of the last few days, I've been receiving news of people dying all over in my hometown. Quite a number of them were my acquaintances; people I bumped shoulders with, worked with. Drug abuse was the numero uno cause of their demise, growing tired of hearing the cases. I'm growing tired in trying to believe in people that'll not spare faith in people, especially themselves. I'm growing tired physically. I wanna sleep. Last night, The Crown Prince of the South wanted to declare emergency over a chemical waste spreadout into a water supply. Given the tension between the royals and the Democratic leadership, both sides started to take different ways to handle the matter causing a very conflicting situation for the people.Schools are currently being closed down in fear of risking the children being exposed further. I may not be qualified to say this, but this brought the fear of how Vietnam was suffering back then. We as the people are afraid, what'll happen to the future? How can we work together for the betterment of us all? Politics can be a dirty field, what can we do about it? Personally, I'm glad that Mr Potato wasn't running for The Minister of Unity, I don't want to have our hope shattered if he ever got corrupted in politics. We currently have about 250 reported cases over this matter, about 250 directly affected. What of the rest that's indirectly affected? Another domino fell with the heartbreaking news of the Christchurch mosque shootings. Our hearts are getting conflicted.The people right here are very disappointed, as the very reason this became a 'major' news was because the shooter said something that related him to a world famous YouTuber. I don't blame the YouTuber though, he wasn't at fault in this matter at all. In fact, we felt sorry for him to be involved just because some (not server appropriate list of words by Aqil and his roommate) decided to try and put the blame and guilt to him with a (even more non gucci words for the server) meme. We, the people that trusted in the hope of tolerance now, are beginning to doubt the words we have been saying for years. "The actions of a few individual doesn't necessarily make an organization/ a faith/ the people bad" Yet when the shooter, the terrorist streamed it he was cheered on. He was called a 'Hero' of their people. 40 lives were lost by a misguided person, and more were affected indirectly. I, Aqil Muqashim am very sorry. I'm very sorry that my interpretation of my faith was wrong because I refuse to resort to making people of other faith suffer. I'm sorry that I found people that thought peace with our faith in the equation was possible too. We are sorry, we are not the true believers. We are sorry that the ones that you know are following the 'true' teachings wanted you to suffer. We are sorry that we are "as bad, if not worse as the 'true' believers" because we held back. I'm sorry, I should be laughing over the death of your people now huh? I'm sorry that I thought of all of this, I'm just tired. Q: I just wanted to know how can I be sure that everything I've done to help people weren't for nothing. I wanted to know how could I say I've done something, to know it worked. We wanted to know how much trust we could put in people, as humans are corruptable. We as the people wanted to know what hope is. Would being tolerant benefit us in all of the situations? Because these days it doesn't seem to pay off. There's always someone screaming something bad over someone that stayed in silence for the good of people. Guess who got heard? 20190316_011716.amr
  2. ...I guess that's enough cigarette break for me. This sounds like a broken record now but yeah, Death was always close. My granduncle passed away a few days back, another blow to my sanity. I hate this, it feel like I'm slowly being erased. My biggest gift I had was my life, a chance to accomplish something here. But day by day, I've noticed that it came at a cost. I feel like a parasitic plant, living as the others around me wilt away. I can't even bloom, yet here I am living while all of the beautiful flowers and fruits are drying up. My roots are deep within this tree, slowly gnawing at the stem. I'm afraid, this tree was supporting both of us. Why am I taking both of us down, why do I want to fall? Goodness, I'm an adult aren't I? I need to be collected and wise don't I? I have the abilities to be great, don't I? Well I've forgotten how to, and I know a lot of people forgotten what I can do too. I feel insignificant. I feel like the spirit, the hope I had weren't meant to be. I hate to admit it, but I was a lot more capable when I was a bad seed. Even if a parasitic plant like me could bloom, it'll be a Rafflesia. A stinking, lethal for bugs flower. What is hope? What is kindness?
  3. There were a lot of animals in this jungle... were. All different kinds of us, wiped off over the course of time, as a plague destroyed our home. I've lost my pack, howled alone night after night. A bear came to me, he spared me and taught me how to fish. However, as winter rage on, he tried to eat me. He failed, and ended up in the cage of a hunter. "We are beasts, we kill" those were the last words I heard from him. It's already March huh, time flies. Today marked the second year of my grandfather's passing. It will also be 2 years after my old friend hung himself in his prison cell in a few months. The nights are too quiet, I just howled my emotions out. The wolf doesn't howl to the Moon's bright shine, he howled because he felt alone, he howled for an answer. A message from a dead man told me that I am a hypocrite, that both of us can't walk on the path of righteousness. He said that he accepted who he was, but I didn't. (Thank you for everything old friend) I hope he's wrong, but how can I know that I'm doing things because I wanted to. How do I know that I did them not just to prove him wrong. How can I be sure that I'm honest with myself? Losing my grandfathers reminded me that the situations changed. There are things you can't guarantee to stay unchanged. Still, I find myself in a yet similar situation. A death sparked more tragedies, revealing sights of horror. Some things doesn't change, so how do I know we made a difference? How do we be sure that junkies won't be using again?
  4. Kenny, we are so sorry that we can only offer virtual hugs instead of real ones. However, note that the care for you is real and independent of distance. Cry if you need to, because even you needed help. You are an amazing person whose abilities and dream I respected very much, but you are still human with flaws that'll be our pleasure to help you with. You are our friend, and we'd like to see you happy always but if you are sad, know that more than one shoulders will be offered to you. We all are trying to better ourselves, feeling vunerable or lacking isn't bad. We'll grow up together ok? Look into the mirror and recognize yourself, yep that image is you and we love you for it. Psssst did you know? I hear Kendra M Wokal is a kind and gentle person.
  5. I really don't know if I should be writing this, but this nightmare came to life will keep me up on nights. An acquaintance of mine called me right after midnight, we lost another person due to drug overdose. That poor soul, I can't imagine what could possibly drive him into that direction. I used to be dependant of tobacco, so I know how terrible addiction is. It is a bondage of our own making, a restraining of ourselves by ourselves. We humans started off simple, but our longings would became a catalyst for our growth. The desire for a better life was what drove humans to be uncomfortable, to be creative. Over the centuries, we have taken different steps in all of directions that molded humans into who we are today. The feeling of wanting however, could also be our downfall. I'm not really religious, but I do believe that God created everything with a purpose. Take snake venom for example, the protein of it could be used as the anti-venom or further developed into drugs for the medical field. Yes, drugs as any other thing was created for the benefit of us. However, the very aspect of desire is corruptable, pushing us into rather questionable directions. That's why the referred term is drug abuse, not drug taking. You've heard what happened in my family over money, truly a shame to see it turn out that way. I'm sorry, I am just truly appalled right now. I know that The Golden Triangle is just up North but the thought that a new drug ring would be up again so soon didn't cross my mind. I am currently back in Uni, which saddens me that I won't be able to pay my last respect to him or find out more information in the North soon enough. I'm nervous, because a death in due to overdose will not be just a one time incident, a chain of events might be coming this way. Death my dear, aren't you being mean right now... What can we do right now? The last of plans are crumbling as the support group proven ineffective with the news of the latest death of our own. How can we be more perceptive? So that we won't miss the hints of how we are tackling things wrong, because we certainly wasn't able to notice it wasn't doing better. Where should we start? We've only gotten the news that someone was overdosed with quite a rarely available drug. As much as I'd like to trust law enforcers, death happens everyday. Some solid evidence will be needed to have them moving.
  6. I'm not fair in both judgement and skin colour, I'll admit it. My hair was black, my eyes were thought to be black too. Black was considered as an absence of light instead of a colour. Losing 'Black' in my life though, made me see everything with less light, darker ironically. I've kept my hair short because of this, because having my loved ones wonder about my white hair is not what I want to put them through. White hair ended up on my head as a reminder of the past, so isn't it treasonous of me to cut them? I thought I could live with myself, but I still feel like I should do more for the people I've lost in my life. The hair colour is a toll, telling me I've got things to do. Haircuts aren't solving anything, I still could hear them when I close my eyes, I still am paying them with the black of my hair. Over time my hair grew, and I saw myself having quite the number of whites. Each of them signified a change in me, as even when I am paying with a part of myself, I gained new parts from the people I've lost in return. I don't feel like myself anymore, something feels wrong. Who the SWEARWORD have I become? SAILOR WORDS, even an old friend of mine knew and decided to steal my identity information. The flames that burned my hair black with determination are out now. CUSSING, I ended up less efficient than before. My fingers are twitching, I'm getting less proficient with my own hands. I became hesitant in counting money, my hands are not as fast in gaming, my knife handling in kitchen deteriorated, barely can understand my own handwriting and even my execution of gripping slowed down. I'm sorry, probably just making excuses of skipping drawing everyone a Valentine's doodle this year now. My nerves are fine, so that just leaves my mind. Last time I've gotten professional help, she died in despair. Am I going to continue being cursed with Death? Pretty ironic, 'Aqil' was supposed to mean 'mind' but here I am getting hindered by my own namesake. I guess all the people I've lost are like my brain cells because I'm surely becoming a bigger idiot. I lost the skills I've gained over the years, how can I regain them now? Can I pick up a new ability with how pathetic I am? Who am I serving? Am I being earnest or just selfishly trying to dilute my guilt? I guess he was right, I'm a hypocrite that refused to accept what's rotten inside me. I had the nerve to think that I've been chosen to live because I might do something big, the only thing accurate to that size scaling are my mistakes. Why the BLEEP can I still smile though, I'm not going sadistic and planning something in the back of my head right?
  7. PLEASE DO NOT READ IT OUT LOUD It's blood, family. I'm truly blessed to be born into mine, making the thought of losing them to be a nightmare. There were times where I felt out of place, but they still see me as the best version of myself. I love my mother. She can be strict, but was gifted with a very big heart. She teaches illiterates, and one of my proudest achievement was not becoming one of her students. I know she have lots of love, hence why most saw her being hard on people. It was out of concern. I love my father. He's constantly seeking knowledge, making him age as a wise person. Us sons looked up to him, as an educated man and our own stale joke making father. We may got our bright genes from both of them, but we certainly get our joke cracking 'talent' from just our father. I love my brothers, those two older sons have been fulfilling the role of my enemy and friend ever since I was born. The three of us are different, but we are glad to be brothers from our parents. "You can't slice water" is a saying of how conflicts will never server family bonds. While I'm glad to be one of them, we can't exactly call ourselves a perfect family. We had our share of problems... or I should should say have. Let's talk about money. As many might've missed, Aqil Muqashim is a greedy young man. This was due to how money changed the relationships in my family. Both of my grandfathers passed away, and with them went the status quo. Needless to say, people back then needed to learn how to write wills and agreements. One of my grandfathers had a sizable amount of fortune, similar to a baron. What came from an act of compassion, became tainted with greed as the current generation betrayed the old agreement by claiming and creating written ownership after he passed away. The other grandfather? A similar case, but with a distant 'family' member running off with the inheritance. This brought us to my uncle, the very kind brother of my father. He now spends his days with his ever so wonderful wife. The two treated us brothers like his sons, and treated our mother as equals. Saddening, to know that my uncle supposedly have his own children and a failed marriage. He had 4 children (3 daughters and a son) with his ex-wife, and are still fighting a cold war till now. We, his nephews and our parents wanted to see him happy but his past seem to be an inhibition. His children aren't at fault, we were raised together in our grandparents home so I know that they were only cold because their mother told them to. We cousins met again at one of the girls wedding, I'm glad we could still get along but we are still sad that they still are cold towards Uncle and his wife. It's already heartbreaking for me, I don't know how my aunt must've felt. I was in anger, to see a woman like her to be treated like that. She may not be the 'real' mother, and she can't have her own but she was trying her best to be their mother. She managed to fight off cancer too, no one would've guessed how much she went through seeing that radiant smile of hers. I guess it's time to introduce the rest if my father's siblings. Let's go with the eldest daughter next. My mother may be strict, but she pales when in comparison with her. My aunt always had this serious expression, I guess her children sort of given her a sense of prestige? Both of them did grew very successful, her son especially, turned out to be a genius. She's very judgemental, and a control freak. We understand that she wanted to see us brothers become successful, but pushing her values into us won't work as well as it did to her children. Her late husband was quite involved in politics, making her quite pushy back then. However, she did change upon his passing. Sadly, we can't just accept her right now. Both my father and his brother decided to give her space, seeing she still have that sense of pride. Her siblings love her, but she really needed to respect people. All she had to do was ask for help, they will come for her. She didn't even consider asking her own family for help though, and so we wait and watch. She may be grandmother now, but goodness she acted as quite the child. Speaking of childlike behavior, the last to be addressed is her sister. Closest person to her, but also could be her longest standing opponent. They have been at it since teenhood, while my father and his brother have been living together in fun and harmony. The eldest daughter may have her pride, but my aunt have a hard head. She had it since before she got into a high working position and been cultivating it while she was working. As the result, she still thinks that she is the boss even after years of retirement. She has been working abroad, that was supposed to be a good thing. I guess the people themselves chooses how to change, and she chose to be quite the troublesome. The sisters share a similarity, that is putting ranks into the family. My uncle's wife and my own mother had it rough, being the ones married into the family. All the more reason my father and his brother stepped back from both of them, to protect the feelings of their beloved. Back to me being greedy, my aunt gave us quite the surprise on how she handles her inheritance. Only daughters will be in her will. I guess my uncle's ex-wife plan was working, she had been using her daughters as tools to gain her favor. By the Lord woman, that's going low. My father, who only have 3 sons was completely out of the will. To be honest, it is not greed, we sons just wanted our aunts to recognize us family. My eldest brother have been the realest family to her, trying to get her rational while the rest kinda became her yeswomen in order to gain her favor. The middle son? Have been a go-to for legal business, ironic how he wasn't trusted enough to deserve the money now. As for myself? I've been taking care of my grandparents, yes their parents. I've been taking care of grandma since she's not at full strength, before grandfather was sick. I've been taking care of both of them while grandfather was sick. To my regret, he didn't get better as I had to leave them upon the start of semester. I thought he was fine, he was finally eating better but. Yeah, I returned home on a semester break only to know that he passed. I've been staying with my grandmother, as she is alone now. Guess who took her in when I needed to go back into my studies? Still not the daughters. My father have been taking turns with his brother to look after her when I was gone. My aunt was looking away from all that we did. I'm disappointed, to see her falling for tricks of even greedier people.Yeah, I'll admit I've grown greedy from this. I thought diplomats were supposed to be negotiative, but I guess that didn't work in the world out there. I'm glad us brothers are capable enough in English, I'm glad my father could be our go-to. Having knowledge of another language helped us understand her slightly better, but man she is tricky. Sorry it took a bit, and it's not the whole story but let's just make do with this for now. Q - How do you handle people with superiority complex when they're your own family? How do I stop feeling that people should be indebted to us? How do I be professional with my own family?
  8. Well by the time I this is sent, I'm probably on my fourth grave visit. About time I pay my respects again. These aren't just family and friends, they're my comrades. To say that we supported each other would be an understatement. I'm sorry to say this, but I really need people that I could trust right now. Racial tension grew ever so progressively here, making my current comrades have to lay low and somehow find a way to calm their people down. The cow head put inside a Hindu temple and a pig head in a mosque sure is something in our way. I'm mix blooded, so I could choose to be neutral. The concern would be amongst the rest though, how they view me taking a neutral stand when I'm registered as the privileged race. I'm glad that we still respect each other, but I'm afraid of the tension affecting our comradeship. I've been on both sides of betrayal, but I'm more afraid of them just walking away. I can handle hate, but I'm weak to disappointment and being forgotten. I'll admit that I'm guilty of being selfish, afraid to see the efforts made all for naught. Let's just hope I'm not wasting opportunities; the people I've met, lost and currently with. So yeah, while I'm glad that my purpose got clearer, I'm afraid that my very being might screw it up. I have an unhealthy amount of envy and pride. Lately I've been looking down on people a lot, becoming the very embodiment of racism we've been trying to deal with. Then there's also me not believing in the people that are 64% of my blood. I've become selfish and started to consider progressing by myself, leaving them in ignorance and pride. I'll be 'my race's representative' they might think. "Don't flatter yourselves, I'm not one of you thickheads. Easy for you to be proud, and easier for you to judge us without our outstanding performance. Such a wasted potential of a race" would actually be my thoughts. But wait, there's more! Deciding to progress alone will mean that my motivation is corrupted. It's no longer about 'my people' , it's about me against other races... because the people who share the highest percentage of race with me are hopeless. I'm the very embodiment of the aristocrats that I am not in favor of. Betraying people in plain sight by furthering my own selfish agenda that'll only benefit me. I would like to see the future where I can be corrected, but teens all over the world seem to be losing my faith. How do I put my faith in people again? Was I being naive back then, to truly think that a lot of people actually have hope when there are only a handful in truth. I'm very disappointed in a lot of people right now, especially myself for needing to feel disappointed of the people. How do I realise that I'm no one amazing, just a pawn pretending to be King in a chess game with the ever so beautiful Death. The game won't be over if I'm captured, I'm just a piece that could mimic others. How could a pawn capture The Black Queen? How would I know if I'm not actually a black pawn? It's White's move, what will be the fate of this game?
  9. I'm scared right now, but my hands are also trembling with excitement. My finals are coming, and with it the semester break too. So I've been studying Electrical Engineering for the past 3 semesters, 2 more before I get my diploma. I left secondary school without much of direction other than an offer to a Uni, and I'm glad I took it. It got me some fresh air, a start in another state. While I wanted fresh air, I'm too used of living in the past. It burned onto me, the regrets I've had. So much for moving on, the voices are spitting fire, roasting me. My soul; the flame in my chest grew uncontrollably and have been engulfing everything around me. To handle the guilt, I've been succumbing to my less emphatic side I used to dominantly have. I've been having twisted sense of morality, to say the least. My performance in studies haven't been the best too. However, all is not lost. While the flames seem to be a force of destruction, they actually herald change, and change isn't necessarily bad. The King of Birds, Phoenix is an example. The flames it had symbolises its ability to change, rebirth. From the ashes of the previous life, another Phoenix rises. If you ask me, I'd like to rise again. An opportunity... well two new opportunities were presented before me over the experience I have been studying here. I got three options though, and the first is to continue with engineering. I don't hate it, but let's just say my love for it wasn't as strong as before. A lot happened last year and I've been struggling to keep up, I'm being a burden in the field I respected. I'm still having this option open because I believe in coming back, but dear Lord I'm just tired these days. The second opportunity came from a senior who has a very enviable performance. He led a double life as both a ghost writer and university student. He told me I could still have this dream, I could still write. I've been keeping close watch to the business now, but it's quite the gamble. I dream of writing literature materials for my country's Secondary level English study, as none of the local material made it into our textbooks. I wanted to represent the people, but competition with known Singaporean and Hong Kong's work seem to be a problem. I think that will change one day, one of us will be able to represent all of us. It might not be me, but I'll still write. That brings us to the third opportunity, MUET. It is an English test for University level that'll have its own certificate. There's 6 level of grades, with Band 6 to be the highest. I finally could go home again recently, and was able to talk with my father about my current standing with my studies.I haven't been happy anymore, and he knows it. So we came to an agreement, I could choose to either continue studying engineering for my degree or move to Taking English as a Second Language (TESL). To do so, I'll have to score at least Band 4. Scoring isn't an issue though, what comes after might be. I'll jump into something new again, this time at the capital. Students over at capital don't have the best reputation if I may be direct. Then there's job opportunities, I'll have to scrap almost all of the companies I've been watching. English might be a global language, but landing a job with just it might prove difficult. I could apply to teach, but my personality that's rather unattractive proved me wrong last time I did. So I'm considering taking a third language too, just so I could work on fields like translations. So yeah, I finally am looking forward. I just don't know what I could do right now.
  10. I'm scared right now, but my hands are also trembling with excitement. My finals are coming, and with it the semester break too. So I've been studying Electrical Engineering for the past 3 semesters, 2 more before I get my diploma. I left secondary school without much of direction other than an offer to a Uni, and I'm glad I took it. It got me some fresh air, a start in another state. While I wanted fresh air, I'm too used of living in the past. It burned onto me, the regrets I've had. So much for moving on, the voices are spitting fire, roasting me. My soul; the flame in my chest grew uncontrollably and have been engulfing everything around me. To handle the guilt, I've been succumbing to my less emphatic side I used to dominantly have. I've been having twisted sense of morality, to say the least. My performance in studies haven't been the best too. However, all is not lost. While the flames seem to be a force of destruction, they actually herald change, and change isn't necessarily bad. The King of Birds, Phoenix is an example. The flames it had symbolises its ability to change, rebirth. From the ashes of the previous life, another Phoenix rises. If you ask me, I'd like to rise again. An opportunity... well two new opportunities were presented before me over the experience I have been studying here. I got three options though, and the first is to continue with engineering. I don't hate it, but let's just say my love for it wasn't as strong as before. A lot happened last year and I've been struggling to keep up, I'm being a burden in the field I respected. I'm still having this option open because I believe in coming back, but dear Lord I'm just tired these days. The second opportunity came from a senior who has a very enviable performance. He led a double life as both a ghost writer and university student. He told me I could still have this dream, I could still write. I've been keeping close watch to the business now, but it's quite the gamble. I dream of writing literature materials for my country's Secondary level English study, as none of the local material made it into our textbooks. I wanted to represent the people, but competition with known Singaporean and Hong Kong's work seem to be a problem. I think that will change one day, one of us will be able to represent all of us. It might not be me, but I'll still write. That brings us to the third opportunity, MUET. It is an English test for University level that'll have its own certificate. There's 6 level of grades, with Band 6 to be the highest. I finally could go home again recently, and was able to talk with my father about my current standing with my studies.I haven't been happy anymore, and he knows it. So we came to an agreement, I could choose to either continue studying engineering for my degree or move to Taking English as a Second Language (TESL). To do so, I'll have to score at least Band 4. Scoring isn't an issue though, what comes after might be. I'll jump into something new again, this time at the capital. Students over at capital don't have the best reputation if I may be direct. Then there's job opportunities, I'll have to scrap almost all of the companies I've been watching. English might be a global language, but landing a job with just it might prove difficult. I could apply to teach, but my personality that's rather unattractive proved me wrong last time I did. So I'm considering taking a third language too, just so I could work on fields like translations. So yeah, I finally am looking forward. I just don't know what I could do right now.
  11. All of my life I've been bowing, showing respect to the others. I looked at them with respect, faith in their capabilities. Recently though, I've come to an epiphany... people put their faith differently. This is basically a follow up on the trust issue, bearing sad news.I'll be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed, well working in the shadows paid differently than expected. No, I've been expecting this... I just brushed it off as nothing. I've been basically cut off from them, right after I gave them the list of people close to her. I had to do the investigation alone, because right now they needed me to be guilty. So yeah, no word from them anymore. The investigation isn't going well for me too, so I had to just move on. Let's see who they'll actually find, if they actually cared to find the real culprit. I'm not really worried about myself being forgotten anymore. Well it sucks but I'm more worried about their relapses, people can repeat mistakes. Youth is a very fragile phase and I'm getting outdated for them. A shame, to see us stray away far from each other but I guess it's about time. Maybe I lied, I hate getting my existence erased. I hate feeling the things I've done to be all for naught. First it was deaths, then this falling out because of mistrust. I'm slowly falling to doubts again. I hate to doubt people, I hate to doubt myself for doubting people. Right now I'm stuck as this fool again, out of place. No matter how I turn, my piece can't seem to fit into this puzzle. I'm getting cold blooded again, and I have forgotten why is it wrong. Is it actually wrong though? Why should I pretend to be an idiot just to please people that I don't know? I don't remember why, but I keep doing this anyways. Why.
  12. People are bound to change over the course of life physically, mentally and emotionally. Most would go either left or right on crossroads, but we know that they are going on, moving forward. We also might find ourselves in need to step back off some things, plan another approach. Metamorphosis is change, transition, evolution. Some people change for the worse, but we all strive to be better, the best version of ourselves. What about those who took too many steps back? How much progress would they make? Were there any change at all? I'm afraid, of myself. Well not really, my old self was capable and efficient. It's just the end can't justify the means, I really don't want to go down that road again, for the sake of people I've come to know. I'm sitting on a mount of bodies, the higher it stacks up, the further I could see. "Don't look down, it's just their time. All of us live on borrowed time. One day you'll be part of the mountain, but for now make sure to climb all the way up, we owe them at least that". That's what we kept telling ourselves. We wanted to help realise dreams, because those people ran out of sands in their hourglass. Heh, 'we'? It is actually just 'I'. This emptiness, a sign he's coming. I feel alone, even when I'm aware of myself of being surrounded by interesting people. I'm a stopwatch, I got all the time in this world and the ability to reset. "What's happening? Why are the hands going counter clockwise? What's with this smile? Why am I getting excited?" Why am I welcoming that brat? Why does it feel good. Why do I feel fake, pretending to care. I'm a selfish brat, violent and efficient. At least then I feel like I'm capable. I'm sorry, I hate being rotten but now I really hate being pasty. The mask is off, time goes backwards and I'm coming back. Bear with me until I realize my responsibilities as an adult again, until I can say "This is fine". I wanted to believe in humanity, well I did. But when I lose faith in myself, then I can't see it going any better for the rest. So yeah, let's see how I fight myself again. Bless it, I had to handle all the dead people and now my old self is jumping into this. I can't see myself being the same again, and this change seem to be going on quite the direction. I thought I was already a butterfly, but my pupa self had something to say about it. I might come out as a an insect with a sting, or something with beautiful wings. All that is certain, something is struggling in the pupa.
  13. Thank you Jo... but I'm afraid that I refuse to cut myself off this torment. I'm the winner of a Russian Roulette, Death congratulated me for it. Over the years though, I realized that I wasn't the victor. I don't want to hate Death, it is part this cycle but to have them taken far before they could bloom pains me. I made them actual part of me by carrying their dreams, as I am still left standing. I haven't cried for more than 10 years, but I do feel like I can now. I've been away from my hometown for a while, but when I heard there are still people alive, I was excited to go back. It was then that I got tangled up in a mess that soon showed me how little if anything I got done. A friend turned to crime, crossed another line and can't listen to reason anymore. I had to do it, had to cut him off the crowd. That was some time ago, and I got his last words. "I chose this Aqil, I thought you would too. Alas, you can't change anything with that weak resolve of yours", a guard told me about the words written on a piece of paper under his hanging body. We were not that close, but as a person that shared an alma mater with me I saw hope in forming a brotherhood. He doesn't know me that well before, but his voice speaks nothing to say that he's just an acquaintance now. He is now the most distinct voice in my head, and I just can't ignore him even when I want to listen to the others. I won't cut the strings, there are still things I need to do. Let me get strangled by them, the show won't be ending anytime soon. I am still young, but I have used 7 over 9 lives narrowly escaping Death's Bounty. Another might be used up soon, so I'll be on my last life. I lied when I said that I am single, Death us actually my lover now that I think of it. Made sense, she got jealous of me getting engaged. It's not that I fell in love with the woman, it's the fact that I lost someone so kind that I haven't got the chance to know that well. Death, honey, we all would meet you soon. I'm sure you're as beautiful as they say, I'm sure you are as gentle and calming as described too but I am still here. Throw me despair, finally throw me more joy, I don't care much. This is your last chance, so better make it interesting before I find release.
  14. I truly feel like a cat Sith. Walking over deadmen, stealing their soul away from God. I took their dreams, now they are not in peace and have been voicing it. They used to be a lot calmer. Nowadays though, a new voice shattered the fragile peace we had. He was a mistake I don't want to end up doing again. He can't hang on, I strung him up. He was strangled with my sins, and he still blames me now.
  15. Not that I need them, I am a puppet after all. I am moved by others, void of my own will. I stopped moving a while ago, I was just too delusional to realize it. My strings? Attached to deadmen. I have no guidance, exposed to the otherworldly influence. After all, The Devil knows how to pull our strings. Yeah, I'm just blaming others at this point. The truth is, it is my fault. I got too caught up in hope that I missed the traces of despair incoming. Heh, why am I talking like I could do anything about it? Can I though?. I don't know. I wanted to believe in my strength, but I have long forgotten what they are, what it is. Why am I still having pride, I don't even know what I have going on. I can't stop chasing the wishes, nor would I believe to be able to achieve them.
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