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Aqilless last won the day on December 11 2018

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About Aqilless

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  • Birthday 05/04/1999

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  1. Yo, it has been a while. I uh actually have like 11 more post before this, but none of them could be written. I don't know what happened, I just can't bring myself to write anything. I just feel like my words are just going to vaporize, gone into thin air. I just feel like my words are hollow, meaningless with how lacking of intent behind them. So yeah, how should I write to my heart content, without knowing my heart's content? This emptiness, doesn't really feel harmful but it's not pleasant either. I really want to post another particular question, but as mentioned before I really have no idea how to collect myself. So many things happened, I just don't know how to ask, or even know what my worries are in specific. I just know that there's a lot of wrong things in my life, and myself as a being was included in the wrongness(Is this even a word?). I'll admit, I've been a bit of an attention horde in the server recently. I noticed myself trying too hard and completely failing in conversations. Well, now y'all know the truth... I have no clue of what I am doing. Sorry if I come off as offensive to anyone, I'm just really bad at communication right now. Hopefully I'll be able to properly express myself again, because the goofy-pun making-person in the server is actually not being himself internally.
  2. This is going to be short, I'm still troubled jn writing... , speaking, cooking, arts alongside most common human skill sets As the tittle suggest, this is a separation of what used to be one side. My country had this tension from the East side, ever so growing with the whispers of a separation request. We may not be separated by a real wall, but the South China Sea has always been there... we have always been different. Well will always be apart, even as the same country. The thing is, one of my closest comrade moved to the East side to study. He has been posting separation related content on his social media, in the name of their freedom. This is a problem, since our original mission is to unite us all. The East side has always had unity, have always been less racist. To think that our dream states trying to separate from us is worrisome. I worry for them, not on the mission right now. They are undoubtedly richest part in resources, but that can only be used with the help of the West side. The West have been always been the one supporting them. This brings us to security, since most military forces over on the East side are supplied by the West side. I really hope that they didn't forget about the attempted incursion in the North of Borneo. The West have been handling the terrors of that very efficiently. And yes, I'm concerned about our friendcomradeship. To say he's my equal would be an understatement, he's the best man I got. So working against the separation would spell going against him, a Kingsmaker fighting a King. I'm glad that we both are still close to each other, but how long that could last at this rate. I'm foreseeing instant chaos should the manage to separate; economically and socially. I wonder what he's seeing, I wonder what my man is thinking about this.
  3. As promised, let's talk about her. Hana (花), my late fiance. I thought I could move on, collect myself as I take this break but as Aqil's other moving on attempts, Aqil decided to reminiscent and have what's left of his memories of her back into his life. Needless to say, I do have regrets building up with that. It is a bit hazy, I don't want to go back but I still remember how we come to know ot each other's existence. Our parents know each other, and both sides have been eyeing the children. I don't know what her parents saw in me, but at that point I trusted my parents and went on with the promise. I'm the worst, because even after learning how wonderful of a woman she was over time... I still had next to no feelings for her. I was exiting my prime, and was distracted by University applications. Have tried a couple of new things too, but barely even spare any time for her. I was negligent, had too much interest in talking to old folks that I haven't been talking to someone I might've grow old together. Gained some useful contacts along the way, one of them helped me to know her. That was when it started, the big mistake. I was so into pursuing my own dreams that I wasn't seeing people like her properly. It was always business first, had no time to be soft. To make matters worse, after all the time we can't meet... I told her that if this is not working... if she found anyone that could make her happy, she should go for him. And she did, which led to her demise. I already have a lot of blood on my hands, but knowing that she died in an accident on her way to meet me really put a toll on me. She was going to tell me something, she was. I've pulled all her joy, her petals so now the flower wilted into Death. She was beautiful, blooming with potential. Her passing brought back something I never thought would come back, loneliness. I've told you about my burden, the responsibilities I've taken upon myself as life ended for my friends one by one. They were young, blooming flowers with all the possi(bee)lities ahead of them. Yet they all had a cracked hourglass, no matter how efficient they turn it... they still ran out of sand, they still ran out of time. Yet I remain, regretful of the fruits the flowers could've developed into. I was in my prime, full of determination so I've taken their dreams, what would be the fruits of their labour into my tree. That's the difference, losing my old comrades doesn't make me feel lonely... I always have something to do, to see through. For her though, I feel like I've never done anything, I feel like I can't honour her as a woman I was promised to. It seems that I wasn't the only one that had her blood on his hands though, for the reason of her visit called me sometime ago. Yes, it was the true love she deserved... a wonderful person full of affection. That poor young man, he cried the first time he ever contacted me. For privacy reasons, let's also use an alias for him... Yasashii(優しい ) is something that fits him almost perfectly. My heart sank the first time we met face to face, as he told me that she always spoke of me with him... that she always was impressed by what I was doing. She may chose him as her actual lover, but her admiration over me had me more pleasantly surprised... and regretful. Haven't I failed her then, if she could see me at that time? The time when I wasn't at my prime, the time I almost gave up. He told me of his guilt, for in his perspective he saw himself taking her away from me. He saw that she saw a lot in me, but he interpreted it as love. We went on and on about her during the whole day, becoming friends over the loss we both held ourselves responsible of. She was amazing, even in Death she could do this. That was the last time I met Yasashii though, as Death has always been around me... with a twisted sense of comedy. Yasashii also died on his way to meet me, and surprise surprise it's also by traffic. Our 'Second Date' never happened, all I could hope is they better have active nightlife up there in Heaven... lots of children in a massive happy family. Death is the release from this life, something deemed necessary. I'm well aware of that, I'm well aware of that. I just am mad at myself for being someone so pathetic. I even went as low as calling it The Curse of Muqashim. I tried to ease losing Hana by looking at how the Muqashim line males die before their wives did. I tried to hate Death, because I was still given Life. I tried to move on, but in the back of my mind I very well know that Death will always come, time is always limited. How will I die, I wonder? Will I ever be worth remembering then?
  4. I didn't know if it was because I'm finally home, or my body reaching the limit but I crashed hard. Maybe it was better back when I can't sleep though, because what was supposed to be my 'rest' now turned out to be a series of nightmares. Having mental health reasons, I had to apply for a special leave for six months. It has been a week since then, and even tonight have a high chance of nightmares. This was supposed to be a chance to recollect myself, to set myself straight and possibly choose to pursue another course but nothing felt right. The nightmares drained me instantly in the mornings. "Oh wait, let me put on some goof on my face. There, all better". I laughed, I laughed and I laughed again but they weren't satisfying. I have a kitchen to work with again, but I forgot what I love about food... I remember the tastes but not the joy they bring. I remember the ingredients I used, but not the reasons I did. Surprise, surprise, my go-to was steadily slipping away from my grasp of understanding. Even writing right now is way harder than it needed to be, so imagine me trying to be creative these days. I, currently lack a lot of things but I can't pinpoint them down. I can't think properly, I started to type like an idiot... I tried way to hard when I was supposed to just be myself. 'Be myself', what's that supposed to mean? What was I doing, to be so eager in coming back home? I think I had several things going on, but I'm hesitant. Oh yeah, I was supposed to write something. My father is a big bookworm, one day he's going to read my works and he will enjoy it. It's not just for him, it's not even for myself... it's for a cause. At one point in life I had a lot of confidence in my writing in English. Surprisingly enough, it was around that time that I noticed the syllabus using foreign literature works instead of local submissions. As much as I was interested in learning about the rest of the world and their English, I also wanted to have pride in our local works. When did I run out of ink, when did I drop my pen. Why did I stop? 'For a cause' , these words in this particular order did bear more significance than only my writing dream. Ah yes, I remember an even more childish dream now. I wanted peace. Such naivety, such foolishness. I guess I do have all the memories, just lacking the feelings behind them. I know what was younger me thinking, but I don't know how he was feeling. I know very well that my exposure to an even greater diversity of people led to a very unique growth of myself as a person... I just can't seem to wrap my head around it, what could he have felt, what made him so determined? Curious, am I becoming an empty person? Is that why I wasn't wanting to be proactive in things. Is that why I wasn't feeling doing anything? Yet the voices, the voices speak a lot of different things. Of course I had to mention them, after all who would be guilt tripping me in my dreams if not them and multiple personalities of myself right? I may be in my hometown right now, but this doesn't feel like where my heart is. In fact, I don't know where my heart should be, should feel... or if it is still around right now. I don't feel completely void, just a bit hollow in the middle, a small blackhole taking everything in without ever spitting anything back out. When there's Light, there's Shadow but Darkness existed long before both. One of these days a new creation will be upon me, spark of Light that'll also birth a Shadow everytime. This might bring up a story about Life, and its End (Death). The later was evenly if not more familiar to me but as I said before, that will be for a different topic. May God's peace be upon you
  5. 1-How can we be sure that we are helping? I've been responsible playing Devil's Advocate and it's surprisingly working for my friend. I wanted to give him choices, but now I feel like I'm ironically limiting him, somewhat steering in my own direction. Lord knows how many times I screwed up, I am far from perfect for him to believe me that much. Now he is at risk, and I can't do anything but wait for news helplessly. It reminded me of my late fiance. I've gotten the news that she was trying to tell me about ending our relationship when she crashed... only to hear it from her man himself. She was such a good lady, I should've been paying attention. I should've asked if she had feelings for anyone. I was just living my life with barely any worry... even gave her a greenlight if she ever met anyone for her. Playing Devil's Advocate is very risky, and it saddens me that it wasn't me that had to bear the effects. The man himself passed away this year, I hope he was at peace then, I hope they are happy right now being finally together. 2- How do we stay relevant as a side that's trying to deliver a Truth? How can be sure of our own Truth when everyone else is calling it a lie? I am not really religious, but believing in a certain Truth has certainly helped with my life. Faith is what kept me going so I am a bit defensive when my Truth is affected. I know I should be more open on this, but I am currently chosing to be strict over my beliefs.
  6. We were always blinded, the light shines ever so bright for The Truths we seek.The Truths are often hard to look at, and but still we kept trying to open our eyes. Everyone seek it, yet not everyone can reach it. What will happen if we, decided to fully open our eyes? What will we see as the source of light? This is a matter of perspective, as everyone saw different things in it. However, forcing yourself to stare at it might actually take your sight. You might lose the reason of you are seeking The Truths, with no satisfaction you could see. All in your sight would be darkness, seeping into your mind as a storm cloud loom over your thoughts. I have yet to admit to know a Truth, as my journey is just beginning. However, my comrades alongside myself been noticing that people been using Faiths, as undisputed Truths in order to further their own interests. This fallacy, or simply straight up lie is what have been a bane of the community we are desperately trying to keep the harmony of. Terrorism are nowadays done in the name of Faiths and 'Justice'. Ideas, came as whispers in our minds. Interpretation of The Truths, materials to build our lives that came from our very own thoughts. The World's opinion of my fellow believers of a certain Faith weighs heavily on a very undesirable side for us the rest of the believers. If you believed that the violence would be a Truth for the words of my God then we simply needed to use the counterpart figure. Yes, The Devil. We'll play the Devil's Advocate, to give the different perspective on that matter. So forgive us for not enforcing our faith aggressively, sorry to disappoint your decapitation fantasy. You may not believe us, as our words are suspiciously as sweet as the Devil's Whispers but we like to believe we carry a Truth. What will you see in us when you open your eyes I wonder? My my, how pretentious I could be. Me, religious? Unthinkable! Well allow me to confuse you even further then my dear readers, with the story of The Ace of Diamonds! Spades(Me) met him around the first year of Secondary School(13), he came from the Primary School which was a child-school of the Secondary School. Yeah, he was one of the King's Boys. I've known him over our encounters after school hours and learnt about his multiple talents, as expected of his educational background. We grew closer over two years, managing to stay relevant to each other even with my compatibility with Hearts and his familiarity with Clubs. Clubs moved out when we were 16 partly due to bullying, and he grew even closer to Hearts and myself Spades partly to it. Club was a King's Boys, so he was close to him. Diamonds wasn't going to school much due to his health conditions so his grades aren't going good. Seeing the rivalry between me and Hearts, whom at the time wasn't close to him yet (due to him being an exchange student from the second year) leaves me as the only viable option to tutor him. So after Diamonds recovered from his conditions, Spades did help him with his studies as he started to attend school. The 3 remaining Aces, alongside Joker and the Kings became a close circle of friends and spent the last two years of Secondary School together facing joys and despairs of their youth. You know what happened; Hearts almost took his own life, Joker started think he was limited in school, Clubs had to start in a new school all alone, all of The Kings kinda have dispute against each other and Spades facing falling grades on the last two and most important years of Secondary School. We all pulled through, but nothing was ever the same as we went on our own ways after graduating. Everyone went on their own paths. Hearts went overseas and studied on the East half of the country. The Kings went South to study on their fields after managing their choices for half a year. Spades myself went a bit South on the mainland side of the island state. But he remained, Diamond didn't pursue higher Education. He was alone in our hometown, only occasionally meeting Joker when he returns from studying in Central. That is where Spades makes his return, after half a year studying on the coast side instead of joining the most of them in hometown managing their options in Matriculation. So I returned as everyone else started leaving, and bumped into him. It was a celebration of The Day of Victory, and there's some extra meat to be distributed to people. He called me to share some mutton from the slaughter, and that basically started our outings to explore the hometown revisiting memories we had. A half Yemeni and a half Indian on the streets walking and tasting food from the variety The North had to offer. It was a blast, to have someone familiar returning to my hometown. Alas, as you know it won't last like all the good things. Managed to get him to consider further his studies, but his family business have been tying himself with the whole family issues over in India. It was also a legal issue, and something I was familiar with. So naturally I gave him some advice on the matter, on how to handle the greed in the family. That was sometime ago and he is now going with the lawyer again to nail the final agreement on that issue... I wasn't there to send him off though, and it has been twice already. He was contacting me asking if I could return to hometown anytime soon but I can't return home yet. I've only known about his second flight to India from Joker... Last trip he had proved to be hostile, even life threatening with his his distant family members got defensive over an agreement they manipulated over the years. I missed the shot, the chance to tell him that he doesn't always need to listen to me, as much as I know he looked up to me. I should've told him that he could back out, things might get hairy and I shouldn't have suggested he went that aggressive over the legal issue. I'm afraid of more blood on my hands, already lost a lot of cards from the deck over the years. I can't lose him too, I feel so helpless that all I could do is pray for his safe return. My suggestion, my Devil's Advocate is putting him in danger again. I don't want to lose the friend that made my hometown as my hometown. I want to be made at home instead of feeling nomad(e). Because home is where my heart should be. "Why am I being dependant on people though? I should've been able to make a place my home right?" "What can I do if I lose him too? I can't just get them arrested without evidence. " "Crap, he's an important informant too. I can't just have people take over for him" These whispers started to flood my mind, along with others that echoed in my head. The Multiples are going out of control again, the whispers are turning into full voices. My lack of sleep might be catching up to me, as I've also been seeing images on the corners of my eyes yet never a full image of something I can only consider sinister. I'm not getting good night's sleep in a while huh.
  7. -Also insert Aqil sleepdrunk typing here too-
  8. -Insert Aqil sleepdrunk typing here-
  9. Q: How can we handle people that went back to/fall into their darker days? What can you do when your ally is actively going against your original shared purpose? How can we gain trust of people after being generalized?
  10. Sorry for breaking this into parts, have been occupied with calls over from my hometown. The charges were dropped, he was bailed but the distrust is still there. I managed to talk to him over the phone, it has only been recent but the distance between us is already clear. I was labeled a traitor of 'our' people. Heh, they always forgot the details when it is convenient for them. What can I do with this guy now. And then there's this other guy that was also thrown into lockup for a day. Goodness, the incident from last week did push people out of character. This guy ended up in lockup over a fight in a restaurant. Apparently he had family involved in the Christchurch incident and was very unstable. Listening to people laughing, and talking in Cantonese, English and Tamil managed to tick him off. He basically called them immigrants, told them that they should respect the National Language, and insulted them with non family friendly words. A small fight between him and a few guys escalated as the people in the crowd started to take sides and joined in. I still wonder how he got out so quickly, but now I got to deal with him soon too. I haven't been talking to him for quite a bit, but all I could remember was how respectful and polite he was. Phoned him too, and got called a traitor again. He said I'm being too lenient, that I'm letting others take our rights as the majority of the land. This guy, also conveniently forget who I actually am. He did a 180°, and he probably convinced a couple of people to join him now. Things also got awkward with the other races now. Sure they aren't hostile to me or anything but there's this feeling I had that they are holding off something. I really hope it was just a shock over what happened last week instead of "Oh this guy is half (Majority), should we even trust this privileged shortie? ".Maybe, it is true that I am a liar, I'm just a sick kid that tried to keep unity holding on because it might be inconvenient for me.
  11. I didn't want to believe it, wanted it to be him framed or something but I was wrong.He was caught again, this time he didn't turn to the better though. This time he wanted to be caught, to make a statement. He stole from one of our Chinese donators, saying that he had ulterior motives. The Chinese may brought the word 'Kiasu' here, but I have seen hope in them. After all, Borneo held up fine didn't it? Three countries on one island, and they made it beautiful. That one guy named by the people to be the Minister of Unity, Mr Potato was also a Bornean. The Chinese take care of their people, and on the East side of my country it meant everyone, more than just Chinese.
  12. Our multicultural country have Chinese as the second highest percentage of race, half of mine being the highest. That's the reason I was tolerant, I was only half blooded. However, he is full blooded, and the bloodbath that happened on Friday changed him, changed us. A certain insensitive comment from a Chinese politician changed his perception. He can't trust them anymore.
  13. I met him again sometime after we graduated Secondary school. The very fateful day he decided it was a good idea to lift my wallet. It wasn't, and the men around me beat his face in. I only recognized him after the dust settled, and I took him to a clinic with a lengthy lecture along the way. We got closer though, as we managed to catch up. I learnt that he wasn't doing it for the money, at least not anymore. He did it because he was bored and wanted to mess with bad people (apparently I looked like one). Maybe he was right. I can't let it slide though, and an opportunity was taken. I decided to drag him to volunteer work with me. I could watch over him this way, and he could do something about this community that he very hate how it's turning. We both found joy in atonement and he took it a step further by going full time as I had to enroll into University. I thought I was right, to bring him into an organization where the adults are kind and are able to guide us young men. He was one of the few people that kept me up to date with my hometown situations but it changed recently. He stole again.
  14. Turn it upside down, and you'll see the real tittle It hasn't been a week since the last, but my problems know no pause. So here we are again because apparently I left my back exposed. I don't know which is the case; are rogues drawn to me or I am the one drawn to them? I loved people, yet nowadays I'm starting to reconsider who deserve it. I've been backstabbed a couple of times in my life. "Hold no ill intent, they were just misguided" was what I used to tell myself. Maybe I'm being too hopeful, maybe I'm being a hypocrite. My school days got making questionable decisions, a lot of them I still regret to this day. One of them was resorting to violence. I studied in an All Boys Secondary School (13-17 years old) so a lil show of dominance was to be expected. I was small (still am) so I looked like an easy target. I held back for as long as I could, but one day I just decided to change my approach. I hate to admit it, but I remember having some sort of pleasure over going overboard. I kept telling myself "You didn't start it, but enjoy it as you end him". I hated it, the fact that it worked. I walked a lonely path, safe but alone over the next year before a fateful encounter with a few young men that changed my life. However, that'll be the story for another day With the nature of what I do, having a lot of acquaintances is necessary. I wanted to call them friends, but I doubt how I've been trying to use that word over the years. Remember, I'm a person of questionable character that is drawn to/drawing the ones that also have questionable characters. One of them was a thief.
  15. "All according to keikaku(plan)" How I wish I could say it for once again, how I wished for the simplicity of the past. I am not much of a religious person, but there's a saying that I held in high regard. "We can plan, but God wills what'll happen" Over the course of the last few days, I've been receiving news of people dying all over in my hometown. Quite a number of them were my acquaintances; people I bumped shoulders with, worked with. Drug abuse was the numero uno cause of their demise, growing tired of hearing the cases. I'm growing tired in trying to believe in people that'll not spare faith in people, especially themselves. I'm growing tired physically. I wanna sleep. Last night, The Crown Prince of the South wanted to declare emergency over a chemical waste spreadout into a water supply. Given the tension between the royals and the Democratic leadership, both sides started to take different ways to handle the matter causing a very conflicting situation for the people.Schools are currently being closed down in fear of risking the children being exposed further. I may not be qualified to say this, but this brought the fear of how Vietnam was suffering back then. We as the people are afraid, what'll happen to the future? How can we work together for the betterment of us all? Politics can be a dirty field, what can we do about it? Personally, I'm glad that Mr Potato wasn't running for The Minister of Unity, I don't want to have our hope shattered if he ever got corrupted in politics. We currently have about 250 reported cases over this matter, about 250 directly affected. What of the rest that's indirectly affected? Another domino fell with the heartbreaking news of the Christchurch mosque shootings. Our hearts are getting conflicted.The people right here are very disappointed, as the very reason this became a 'major' news was because the shooter said something that related him to a world famous YouTuber. I don't blame the YouTuber though, he wasn't at fault in this matter at all. In fact, we felt sorry for him to be involved just because some (not server appropriate list of words by Aqil and his roommate) decided to try and put the blame and guilt to him with a (even more non gucci words for the server) meme. We, the people that trusted in the hope of tolerance now, are beginning to doubt the words we have been saying for years. "The actions of a few individual doesn't necessarily make an organization/ a faith/ the people bad" Yet when the shooter, the terrorist streamed it he was cheered on. He was called a 'Hero' of their people. 40 lives were lost by a misguided person, and more were affected indirectly. I, Aqil Muqashim am very sorry. I'm very sorry that my interpretation of my faith was wrong because I refuse to resort to making people of other faith suffer. I'm sorry that I found people that thought peace with our faith in the equation was possible too. We are sorry, we are not the true believers. We are sorry that the ones that you know are following the 'true' teachings wanted you to suffer. We are sorry that we are "as bad, if not worse as the 'true' believers" because we held back. I'm sorry, I should be laughing over the death of your people now huh? I'm sorry that I thought of all of this, I'm just tired. Q: I just wanted to know how can I be sure that everything I've done to help people weren't for nothing. I wanted to know how could I say I've done something, to know it worked. We wanted to know how much trust we could put in people, as humans are corruptable. We as the people wanted to know what hope is. Would being tolerant benefit us in all of the situations? Because these days it doesn't seem to pay off. There's always someone screaming something bad over someone that stayed in silence for the good of people. Guess who got heard? 20190316_011716.amr
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