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I'm a much better person than I used to be.  I used to be extremely insecure, unable to help myself, desperate, clingy, and extremely depressed.  Over the past year or two i've grown stronger, however, i'm not strong enough yet.  I still falter, and fall, and have moments of relapse, but I manage to bounce back because I keep fighting.  I'm far more positive, kind, and understanding than I used to be, but i'm not quite there yet.  Like with my friend before, I may have seemed somewhat calm and understanding, but before all that, there were my emotions.

I'm still emotionally reckless when problems occur- I say mean things, and I can get very upset and emotional.  Though these little moments are nowhere near as bad they used to be, they still cause problems, of course.  I've gotten enough control to mix in my intentions with my anger most of the time, but that's just not good enough.  In fact, I wonder if it may even make things worse.  I fear that to those who have seen both sides of me- and aren't very close to me- I may seem unstable, or fake, putting on some 'nice-guy' mask while really being angry, bitter, and manipulative inside.

Who would trust a guy like that?- I could snap at the drop of a hat-  Who knows what I'm hiding behind all those kind words I say, when I can easily get spiteful when things don't go my way?  I can let things go easier than before, but when my efforts to do good (specifically, with my own problems) get me nowhere, I can't help but get frustrated, or even angry for a bit, before I go back to being thoughtful and figuring things out.

The problem is, I'm just not good enough yet.  I don't get angry quite as easily as I used to, but I don't want to get angry before I understand people and their actions.  I want to be someone everybody can love.  I want to be someone who can understand where people are coming from without even hesitating- someone that can always be kind no matter what, and do the right thing every single time...  So why is it so hard for me to act that way..? 

It's as if there's a limit to how well I can understand other people's thoughts and actions.  At some point down the line of understanding, it just becomes a mystery to me again, and I don't know how to handle things...

Edited by ScienceRocks
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Hey Science! 

First things first! Congrats! You are learning ❤️. Very proud of you. You are seeing improvement in yourself. Second thing is this, you don't have to be anything yet. You are enough. Now, then, and in the future. Who you are is always enough. However, the you were yesterday isn't the same you you are today. We are always changing. Growing and learning. People around us are constantly changing with us. We act off them and they off us. We all hit road blocks. Sometimes it is harder for us to reach inside of ourselves and take care of another person. Sometimes, we just aren't strong enough to handle those things ourselves. We may want to be all that everyone needs, but that just isn't how life works. We will all have our weak days. We will all have our days where we feel like we can take on the world and do everything...only to sleep through your alarms, trip on your way to the car, and just flail about during the day. It just happens. You cannot be expected to be on top of your game all the time. You can't be expected to KNOW everything either. You can't be expected to just be "there yet", as you put it. 

There is no time limit for improvement. I learn something new everyday. I am constantly becoming more of who I'm meant to be with every passing hour. I find newer ways to approach and deal with, not only other people, but myself as well. You see all of the things that you perceive as wrong with you. You get angry, you can't understand others as well every time, you say you are emotionally reckless. I read those and all that tells me is that you are human. You are learning, changing, growing. You are improving. With every step you take you are becoming more and growing stronger. You will make mistakes, you won't understand some things. That's fine. Learn from those. Everything in life that happens can be viewed as a lesson. Good or bad. Don't measure your value or worth based on what you can't do right now. Take that information and teach yourself ways to not do it and try for a different approach. Never stop trying. Never stop growing. 

You are already doing such a fantastic job. With every post I read from you, with every comment you make on the stream, I see growth. I see you becoming more. You are enough Science. Never forget that. 

With a loving heart, 

Keaton

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