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Keaton- Self Doubt and Ramblings


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I feel tainted...I've been divorced, I have a child, I am a walking paraplegic...I'm just broken and a mess. But, I'm sure of myself and know how much I'm worth. and yet i still feel like i'm never going to be good enough. Who would want a single mom who can barely walk? Who would want a woman that let herself be literally beaten and degraded? Who would want to be around someone like that? I have severe ptsd... I've finally gotten my panic attacks under control so that's a victory. But I can't even begin to explain the helplessness I feel at times. I feel so utterly useless. I can't play with my daughter...I can't run around. I can't DO so many things anymore. If I want to go to the zoo with Evee, for example, I have to make sure I have my wheelchair. My body wouldn't be able to take being up like that for long. I hurt so much all the time. I second guess myself far too much. I am sitting on a fence rocking back and forth from absolute confidence and complete self doubt. I don't like admitting my weaknesses. I don't like admitting that I was literally beaten up for almost a year... I don't like admitting my fear to anyone. I am supposed to be the strong one. I am supposed to be sure of myself and there for others. I know it's okay to be weak and reach out to people ( I encourage people to do so enough). I know it's okay to feel down and afraid. 

I just don't know how to get over this crippling (no pun intended) injury. A little back ground on it, August 14, 2017 at around 2:30 my brakes failed as I was on a curve and I spun out and hit a ditch that popped my car up and into a tree. My injuries included a burst fractured L 1, broken L 2 and L3, and a cracked L 4 and L 5. I had a bruise on my forehead that lasted 3 months, I ended up with a tear in my aorta, 3 cracked ribs, a cracked sternum and was bruised from my left shoulder down to my right hip. I ended up being diagnosed as a T 12 Asia A  complete paraplegic. For those that do not know what that means, it means that I had a zero percent chance to ever even think about feeling my legs. I spent a month in the hospital...away from my life, away from my daughter...alone almost. My boyfriend (ex now) "stayed" with me for awhile though. And by "stayed" I mean he was out drinking and doing whatever with money that wasn't his. He continued to abuse me there....He told me that no one would ever want someone like me now. I was already a problem before and now being broken meant that I was lucky to even have someone like him with me. He cheated on me, used me for my money, trapped me, beat me, and broke me down so much that I literally became a shell. I became nothing.

I was finally able to get out and I am the happiest I have ever been. I am so sure that I am worth greatness. I am so sure that I am okay. My life is brighter and I am now who I am meant to be. and yet...I can still hear how useless I am. I still hear him saying that no one is going to want to deal with a burden like me. and I KNOW I'm difficult now...I can't help my injury. It happened and I beat all odds and started walking. I accomplished greatness and he took that away from me. It was never enough. I was never enough. This is the first time I've ever actually put this in writing. I'm scared. I don't know who to go to. I have to be strong. but I can't help thinking that I'll end up being alone in the end. His words constantly echo telling me that no one could love me like that because I'm "tainted" basically. No one would want me because I have a child. No one would want me because of my injury. No one would want me because I'm nothing but trouble. But that isn't fair... I didn't do this to myself...it happened. I overcame something impossible and yet It was still not enough. I hurt so much and I think I'm just now realizing how lost I actually feel. 

I am so scared. I don't usually feel this way...but the fact that this feeling keeps popping up at times means that I probably need to get it addressed in some fashion. I know to take my time and let things come. I would honestly go through all of that again just to get where I am now. All of that made me who I am today. I can't regret it happening. But...I can't help the lingering feeling that he was right. No one is going to look at me and want to be with me. I'm not saying I am unhappy. I just can't help thinking he was right. I talk myself through all of those feelings and can usually work them out myself. I'm pretty good at handling my depression/anxiety. But some days...some days just knock me out. I get so overwhelmed with doubt that I can't even think straight. I don't want to feel useless because I know I'm not. I don't want to feel like I'm undesirable because I know I'm not. I know that I can make a difference. I know I can be more than just a disabled single mom. I know I can be more than he EVER said to me. I just can't feel it sometimes. 

I'm sorry about the long post..I think I have been in need to release this somewhat. I want to thank all of you for helping me find a purpose. Helping all of you has made me very confident in my career choice. Being around the positive has helped me see that I am doing right. i'm just a mess at the moment I suppose. So thank you. Thanks to all of you that take time out of your day to listen. To reach out. Y'all have taught me to be brave and firm. Y'all have helped me stay on track after my horrid breakup. I have my life back. 

~Keaton
 

 

(for Jesse to use for the overall summary- I know I'm worth it, but I just can't help feeling like I'm not. I feel tainted, lost, and useless in the face of my handicap.)

Edited by Keaton
For easier wording for Jesse
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