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Howdy, I would like to start with an apology for not joining the stream as I couldn't do so.
now onto what I'm fretting over.
     Last week wasn't exactly the greatest time I've had this year, its actually far from it. From stress, from fatigue and worry, worry for my friends, for my mother who had covid (she's good now , thank God) and some good 'ol self loathing over how not stellar I've been about being disciplined with myself via procrastination. 
and well things weren't so hot. in my search for some warmth I decided to ask some friends a very important but scary questiion, one that I am already paranoid and worried about from the moment i made friends.
"Do you actually like talking to me? or do you just tolerate it until I go away because youre to polite to just tell me?"
I had worded it in a way so that their mind could easily default into an easy nice answer, I wanted some nice words.... I wanted to be warmed by my friends words, instead of it feeling like a therapy session for anyone.
the first friend i asked responded well, i wish i did.
but then the second, the one I thought of as my best friend.. well he didn't take my questioning seriously. I was hurt and shocked. I then showed the first friend his response and, when she basically laughed it off. it washed away the one spark of hope i had of being warmed by nice words. Feeling rejected and hurt but still stubborn to get something good to happen. So when my best friend asked if i was okay, i told him how i felt. he said he cared, but when i asked him why it doesn't feel like it sometimes he immediately did a one eighty. claiming he never cared to begin with , and to finally see how heartless he truly is, and that he never cared.
broken, hurt and lonely I just broke, it hurt, i just didn't know anymore. I still don't know, but at least its gone for now. 
i didn't know what to do, so i for some reason decided to at the very least change my profile pic, as well its usually an indicator of what someone is like. and by change it i mean delete it. a couple of friends asked my what was going on? why did I delete my profile pic? why did I leave the server? Why am i so handsome? No one actually asked that last one ;-;
i told them that I was hurt, i told them what happened, I asked them the question. 
they were understanding and answered nicely, i just wish i could have enjoyed there answers more.
its a bit hard to have a nice warm campfire after its been put out by the ocean ya know.
feeling down the next few days.
also i think i learned what an anxiety attack feels like at work the next day so that was, educational, I think?
i believe I'm over the event, but i still would like to have an apology or at least have my friend talk to me, and so im standing my ground on at least that. i know its dumb, but i'm not going to reach out to him until he does, this includes rejoining the server i left.
some of my friends , being kind hearted I assume?, got mad that someone, (their own friend) hurt me , another friend of theirs that i think they seem to hold in higher regard? and now they're mad at him.
I truly am over it and have returned to normal or at least my own normal and now its just the two of them (that i know of) that are mad at him. so i dont know whats going on there.

Now i feel i should elaborate on the friend that hurt me by saying he doesnt care.
He's a very much dense with emotions, he doesn't even seem to understand his own, he has been there for me in the past, and he was the first one to ask about my profile pic when I had deleted it hours later after our talk. he's incredibly socially awkward and me asking him with such a loaded question in the first place, in hindsight i understand why he had answered jokingly with Both, as he isnt the greatest with talking in the first place. and well like i said, hes incredibly dense, erm stupid even when it comes to emotions.

so now i dont know, im waiting on him to do something but im worried he thinks im mad at him, especially seeing as some other friends are and the fact that i had blocked him, and so i dont know if he'll approach, even with the hints that i want to talk to him, like taking public suggestions for a new profile pic in places where he'd see it, or even votes. 
i dont actually have a conclussion or a proper feeling to leave this on, i think i just want some opinions or some help, any advice or anything will do. Please dm me , and would also like for you to answer the question even tho its scary 

and heres the part where i sit for a while and consider dropping both my discord username as well as my phone number in hopes that i get something.....
i think ill just drop the discord as well as remind CHAT that they can go to the BSS website and reply to this or send me a message through one of the helpful links provided by you guys.

Love and Best wishes, MarjAndy#2930

Edited by man-left-behind
accidently hit enter before i finished
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