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WanderingSoul - Once more, but only once.


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Hello everyone. It’s been some time, hasn’t it? I hope you all have been doing well and staying safe.

This will be my last topic. I’ve already left the BSS Discord and will likely not return. I found I cannot engage in your community any more without feeling some degree of emotional pain, and so, I will take my leave.

But I do have one last thing to discuss. One last swan song of a topic. That being, what do you do once all is lost?

I no longer have friends. The ones I used to have don’t talk to me, even conversations with my “best friend” don’t last longer than 5 minutes and are 99% of the time started by me. I’m finally coming to terms with the very first piece of advice you gave me, Ryan. That sometimes, you need to let people go. And I’m not going to break my back carrying friendships any longer. If they want to go, they should go. I’m not going to cry over their absence any longer. It’s a dreadful, bittersweet humor that I know that even a small “hello” every once and a while would make me feel better, as pathetic as that sounds. But even that can’t be provided.

I’m living day-to-day at best, and sometimes even I can’t convince myself that it’s for anything worthwhile. While spending time with my family has been great, not being able to work (and not being paid for babysitting my little sister to which they now rely on me to do) is jeopardizing me returning to college in the fall. Oddly enough, I find a small part of myself wishing this virus to continue through autumn; it would allow me to not have to pay for Room and Board, allowing me to return much easier. Despite this, I also know that staying home has been the best thing for my mental health, even with its isolation. I cannot win with either option before me, and neither are the lesser of two evils.

I chose this name, Wandering Soul, because for the longest time I knew my soul was wandering. Looking for purpose, looking for love, always looking, never finding. And for the first time in my life, I’m stopping. My soul shall wander no more. I’m done desiring things that never come. I’m tired of looking for a purpose I’m not meant to have. When I lost control those many months ago, I saw what it was like to not care about those things. And it felt good. It felt free.

What does one do when they have nothing left? Do they cast aside their wants and needs, their very soul, in exchange for freedom, as I have? Or do they fight on for their ideals until their soul is crushed? Both sound like empty pursuits. And neither are the greater of two goods.

Edited by WanderingSoul
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  • Princess_Yellow changed the title to WanderingSoul - Once more, but only once.

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