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Hello you all. Hope you are safe.

Back with some sad stuff. Be warned I guess.

I’ve done a lot of thinking, a bit of searching you could call it. And to be honest I’m not proud of what I’m finding. Know that some of what might look like excuses, isn’t meant to be as such. None of the stuff I’m mentioning is okay. I’m aware of this. Only reinforces what I’ve already come to believe.

I really don’t care about people any more. I’ve tried to convince myself I do, tried to look for reasons to, but it just doesn’t happen. My heart no longer feels for other people. That empathy is gone. I’ve been thinking about what would happen if members of my family became despairingly hopeless. If a friend were to win the lottery. If my little sister told me she hated me. There’s no spark of anything. Even as I type this, I’m not mad that I can’t seem to bring about any sort of reaction. My heart feels grey and empty, just like it did so long ago.

I rely on daydreams and impossible fantasies to keep me from going insane. It’s no secret, really. The story I mentioned? I’m pretty sure the reason my brain concocted from the mental static is so that I would have something that would let me escape. All the times I think the age old question “What if I won the lottery”? Another escape that lets me think outside my harshly realistic view that I’m not going to be successful. I even treat myself on occasion to the incredibly blasphemous fantasy of becoming God. Yep. The big man himself. All of the omnipotence in the universe. All the things I would change. These impossible fantasies are my safety net in a way that all my other distractions fail to be. I don’t hold myself accountable in them. I’m allowed to think freely. It’s unhealthy, but intoxicating all the same.

I’ve generally given up on the people I’m close to. In tandem with the first paragraph, I’ve accepted that they also just don’t care. There’s so little remaining people that it doesn’t even sting anymore. It’s just the same old inevitable end, like it always has been. Nobody sticks around. That’s just life, I’ve come to accept. No point shedding a tear for what you know will happen.

I have this absolutely asinine belief that as soon as I find “the one” that everything will be okay. In the same way that I’ve spoken about time and time again, the romantic love of a partner seems to be the only type of love I can feel anymore. But even that’s just laughable at this point. I’m not gonna be loved that way. It’s just not going to happen. I’m not handsome, I’m not smart, I’m not rich; the only thing I had, my kindness, is also just about gone now. And zero redeeming qualities makes for the most undesirable bachelor. I can’t love myself, and I now can see it’s stupid to dream that another girl could either. It’s actually comforting in its own twisted way, the knowledge they agree with me.

Even as I’m typing this, I’m starting to get this grim smirk. Because this isn’t new information. It’s not some grand epiphany that spurred this. Just the gradual rusting of my spirit. I suppose one way to look at it, I’m lowering my standards for this life. But I’m also done being nice to the people who don’t reciprocate. Will that make me a bad person? Was I ever really good, is my response. Because I pretty much know that answer.
And I
               know

                              me

                                          best.

 

Edited by WanderingSoul
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Hey WanderingSoul,

I'd like to start by saying that you shouldn't give up on people yet. I believe I've felt how you are feeling a long time ago. What I felt the might not be exactly the same feeling, but similar. I have no idea what you have been through or what you are currently going through, so my advice will be very limited. 

Daydreaming and making up impossible fantasies is a familiar feeling to me. At times where I have felt nothing but anger, sadness, and regret, reading stories in my head has kept me sane. However, it will not work forever. I'm sure you've had times that you are thinking of nothing and everything at the same time. Times where you kept quiet and times where you have just screamed or wanted to. It may feel like the pressure of everything is too much. I've been there.

That being said, it is important to think of the future. I know you wrote about the "one" that would set it all right. The person in the future that would send you're troubles somewhere far away. But you are giving up on that person. You believe that that person couldn't possibly exist because you don't love yourself. I'm here to tell you that only you have the power to change that. Right now you feel empty. You feel like nothing matters because, as you said, "It’s just the same old inevitable end, like it always has been." That mentality is known as fatalism. Fatalism is the feeling that nothing matters because death comes for us all. I'd say that it is quite the opposite. We will all die, and that's why everything matters. While it is important to think of the future, Thinking of today is much more important for you. 

With the current situation that you are in, thinking too much on the future will often lead to procrastination. Not only in work/school (whichever you do), but in more important decisions. Procrastination in your relations with people and in your personal health will lead you down the wrong path. Thinking about the task at hand is more important as of right now. Everyday, waking up with the mentality that you will do something every day will get you on the right track. It doesn't have to be much. It should just be something that changes your schedule. 

To be completely honest, the first step is quite simple. I know I might sound like a dad when I say this, but sleep is very important. Sleep isn't just for healing your body. Sleep makes your brain clean, not just metaphorically. Sleep clears your body of unnecessary information. Cleaning the mailbox that is a brain will allow your mind to flow much more feely. I'm no doctor, but getting your eight hours is critical. Sleeping much more or less than the recommended eight will cause you to "wake up on the wrong side of the bed." A great sleep schedule will make your day much better. I know that I've really only talked about you, and not other people. That's because you need to heal yourself, so that you would have the strength and courage to fix your situation with others. 

But why should you listen to me? I'm pretty sure I'm younger than you. You don't know who I am, and I don't know who you are. All you have to know is that I'm a person who has been through a lot. More than a lot have people have ever been through, and that isn't me just being an egomaniac. I know how you are feeling, and I've survived through it. 

 

Good luck with the journey ahead,

-Ocean (A.K.A. WaveSlayer)

P.S. If you have questions lmk. 

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As much as I want to agree that I shouldn’t be giving up on people yet, my head has way too much evidence to latch on that suggests otherwise.

I’m well aware that it doesn’t work. It’s a temporary, fleeting distraction as most things are.  The distinction between it and the rest is the freedom it permits me. I can step outside of the boundaries.

Oh, I think about the future all the time, make no mistake. The difference is, I think of it from a realistic perspective. A bleak one, but realistic all the same. Like I said, I’m not going to be loved. I’m not going to be successful. I’m going to spend my days locked in a mental cell, in a metaphorical jail that is my life.

I guess I am a fatalist then. Because I’m just putting the pieces together and that’s the picture that is made. It’s exhausting to keep trying. Trying to hope people won’t go. Trying to find new people, who will just eventually leave as well. It’s just not worth it.

As if I have anything more that I could mess up. Remember? People don’t care about me. I could keep silent, and they wouldn’t care. I could scream and let out a guttural screech, and yes, they’d feel obligated to make sure I was okay. But then they’d just go back to how they were before. Because people don’t change, nor can we expect them to.

Let it be known I typically get 6-7 hours of sleep.

I’m not the type of person to shun advice merely due to age. You are right in that we do not know each other. Everyone has fought their own battle, and gives the advice written on their scars.

Edited by WanderingSoul
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