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About Ellie

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  • Birthday April 23

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  1. Aside from "hello"s, I have lots of extra time now to do some introspection and reflect and I find I have trouble being kind to my older sisters. I link this to how we grew up, since I wanted to rely on them but my oldest sister would blame me for everything and never trust me, and my other older sister would often judge and make fun of my looks. Years passed (obviously), and it's kind of faded. They grew up, I grew up, and we all matured. However, they only toned it down; they haven't changed. My oldest sister refuses to support me and tells me to fix myself, the other one constantly judges people and ropes me into it. This is what bothers me: they change their personality with their friends. I get it, there's an opportunity to leave behind your bad traits with new people, to make a new you. Still, I perceive many of their actions as hostile (and they admit to it when I complain about it). As soon as their friends are gone and it's just us, they revert back to their mean personality. I don't have it in me to be overly kind to them or forever keep quiet. They both refuse to admit to be wrong or change because it hurts me or I dislike it. It makes it hard for me to actively love them, and yet I know I can only control/change myself. I wonder sometimes how I can change my thinking, because I do have a hostile bias against them. I am used to identifying their words as attacks and respond in a cold manner, and they accuse me of not letting them be nice to me because some of their comments are meant to be kind. Still, as you can tell, I've justfied my actions, so here are the questions: Am I justified in holding a hostile bias against them? Regardless if I am, isn't it my responsibility to remove it? P.S: I did ask the guy I talked about in a previous post, but he misinterpreted my questions and gave answers that didn't help me know more and I might've-kinda-maybe let it slide so I wouldn't seem pushy or make the flow of the convo awkward... but I promise if I see him again, I will not shy back!! I will get those answers!!!!
  2. The situation is like this: I like this guy because he shares my level of faith and enjoys singing for God like I do (wholesome Catholic tingz). At that point, he's someone I want to be close friends with. But then it gets complex because as a person, he cares a lot for people's wellbeing and doesn't give up on them. He would even ask me for my help, which I like because it shows how he's not too proud to ask for help. He's silly but serious when needed, funny in his own way, and a long-time friend. After all this time, I feel an attraction to his personality/soul. Some days it's really strong, and some days it's just there. Problem is, after quarantine is over, he'll probably move away and I want to know how to tell if I want to be with him as a friend or something more before it's too late. I could be happy just being his friend, but I know I'm interested in loving him. So how the heck do I tell the difference?
  3. My ex-bff and I parted on bad terms a while ago. She didn't want to be friends with me, and though I usually still try to fix things, her words finally hurt me past my limit. These days, we're in contact and are friendly. I try my best to make up for the past by being there for her, but I can't open up to her anymore. It was my belief that our friendship was mutually desired, and hearing that she wished she wasn't my friend for a long time made me think I was not wanted in her life. That was why I gave up; it was not because I hated her (I truly couldn't), but because I believed her and decided she was better off without me. She tried once or twice to fix things when she began missing me, but I knew it was just withdrawal from our closeness. After the whole thing, it further cemented my beliefs when she happily chased another best friend, and because she does not say she wishes they weren't friends, I support it. But now I am silent. And it sucks because she was the friend who drew me out of my social ignorance and made me realize what talking could be like. Now, I cannot be blissfully and ignorantly quiet. I want to speak, but there is a literal voice in my head that keeps saying I am not wanted and no one can handle me. So I excuse it by saying I'm young and have a long time to find someone to trust, and that's true. However, I am called as a Catholic to forgive and I really can't. When she apologized for hurting me, I just said "I hear you" because I couldn't say "I forgive you." I'm scared that if I forgive her, I'll make myself trust her again, and I genuinely cannot. I always thought, since we clashed and fought many times, that she would get tired of me and leave. And she did. I am still me, my personality has not changed. I will express myself in a way she doesn't like, and she'll remember why she wishes she never met me, and then I'll have a deeper problem of trust. I feel like forgiving her will be saying that it was okay to treat me like that and she'll disregard my feelings because in the end, I will forgive her and she'll get away with it. Did I mention I'm sure she doesn't even want my forgiveness or to be friends? I fail to make myself strong enough to forgive. (also, I'm sorry this is long, I swear I tried to stop myself)
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