My ex-bff and I parted on bad terms a while ago. She didn't want to be friends with me, and though I usually still try to fix things, her words finally hurt me past my limit. These days, we're in contact and are friendly. I try my best to make up for the past by being there for her, but I can't open up to her anymore. It was my belief that our friendship was mutually desired, and hearing that she wished she wasn't my friend for a long time made me think I was not wanted in her life. That was why I gave up; it was not because I hated her (I truly couldn't), but because I believed her and decided she was better off without me. She tried once or twice to fix things when she began missing me, but I knew it was just withdrawal from our closeness. After the whole thing, it further cemented my beliefs when she happily chased another best friend, and because she does not say she wishes they weren't friends, I support it.
But now I am silent. And it sucks because she was the friend who drew me out of my social ignorance and made me realize what talking could be like. Now, I cannot be blissfully and ignorantly quiet. I want to speak, but there is a literal voice in my head that keeps saying I am not wanted and no one can handle me. So I excuse it by saying I'm young and have a long time to find someone to trust, and that's true. However, I am called as a Catholic to forgive and I really can't. When she apologized for hurting me, I just said "I hear you" because I couldn't say "I forgive you."
I'm scared that if I forgive her, I'll make myself trust her again, and I genuinely cannot. I always thought, since we clashed and fought many times, that she would get tired of me and leave. And she did. I am still me, my personality has not changed. I will express myself in a way she doesn't like, and she'll remember why she wishes she never met me, and then I'll have a deeper problem of trust. I feel like forgiving her will be saying that it was okay to treat me like that and she'll disregard my feelings because in the end, I will forgive her and she'll get away with it. Did I mention I'm sure she doesn't even want my forgiveness or to be friends? I fail to make myself strong enough to forgive.
(also, I'm sorry this is long, I swear I tried to stop myself)