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Cwilk last won the day on May 24

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About Cwilk

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  • Birthday 07/17/2003

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  1. Whoo! I finally finished a song I've been working on for quite a while. I hope you all enjoy ;D -Matt Cwilk_-_Snowing_on_Satellites.mp3
  2. Hello hello! I hope you're all having a good evening. This is gonna be a longer one, I hope that's okay with you. I'm going to talk about a couple things on my mind recently. I want to preface this by saying that right now, I feel fine and even good about this topic. But as I think more and more deeply about it, the more it seems like this might actually be an underlying issue with a lot of my current troubles. And hey, an outside perspective might be the exact thing I need right now. The long and short of it is that I feel... lonely, I guess. And for me, this wasn't always a bad thing; I'm an introvert who enjoys their alone time, after all. You could even say that I find the idea of loneliness alluring, in a way. I'm deeply fascinated with the concept of isolation in fiction, one of my favorite poems that I've written, "Light Pollution", fixates on loneliness a lot, and even my current favorite instrumental song is called "A Sound For Lonely People". A lot of the time, I find solace in being completely self-dependent. But then again, that's exactly the problem. When I want friends, or social interaction, or a deep conversation, I might make the first move in the emotion of the moment, but after a little while, I recede back into my default setting - being alone. Because that's what's comfortable for me. I'm unreliable as a conversation partner, and I need to acknowledge that. I romanticize the ideas of great friends and relationships in my head, but in real social interaction, I get tired from it all so easily. I genuinely need a lot of alone time, but there are still moments when I wish I had someone to turn to. Now, I mentioned in the beginning that this particular problem is contributing to other problems in my life. Originally, I wanted to post a topic on how I'm not able to celebrate all my successes enough lately. And while self-confidence might be a large factor in that (topic for another day), I can't help but feel like there's something else at play. Namely recognition. You see, I've gotten a fair share of recognition before, when I mainly did digital fan art for people I looked up to. But now I do art mainly for improvement, not acknowledgement. I draw with pencil and paper, and I don't show my work that much lately. And now to tie it back to loneliness - I feel like I don't have a lot of communities and friends to show my stuff to. Strangers on Discord and Reddit don't really care to see all I put out. My successes then almost seem anti-climactic, or empty, because I feel like I'm the only one excited about them. Small communities like this one are amazing for sharing, but at the end of the day, we all have our own dreams to chase, and, why use time on someone's work whose life and personality you barely know. So to be 100% clear - I don't blame anyone in this community or any other community for not chasing down my work and showering me with compliments all the time. That'd be absurd. This is completely my own doing, but... I don't know. Princess talked about love language a couple topics back, so this is weirdly fitting, but 99% of my sense of being loved comes from Words of Affirmation - compliments, kind words, etc. Now I'm very glad to say that affirmation and recognition isn't my main or even secondary goal of creating. I've found myself a higher goal in telling stories, but... is it wrong to want that extra motivation, that cherry on top, those compliments? After all, it's dangerous to invest yourself completely in what others think of you, and recognition can be like a drug. My want for positive acknowledgement might become unhealthy if I feed it too much. Anyway, hoo boy, I went off on a tangent there. This was a long wall of text, but here's the bottom line so you guys can have more concrete topics to discuss: Should I sought after friends and conversation, even when I don't feel like talking to anyone at that point? Should I search for more communities to post my stuff on, so I can feel more accomplishment from sincere positive feedback? How do I feel more reliable socially? Thanks for reading, it means a lot to me Signed, Matt / Cwilk
  3. Hey all! If you can't tell by the title, this story was originally written for the three-day writing contest about one of the seven virtues. I chose perseverance. Evidently though, I couldn't finish the story in time. And I don't mind at all, truly. But I still wanted to finish the story. So without further ado, enjoy my (quite long) short story. Might take up to 30 minutes to read it. Here's the link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bJRvZq5VcdcItMRUUvepr-FOgAV-kX4cFF-ZHEXcqpg/edit?usp=drivesdk It's admittedly a tad rushed. I sincerely hope you enjoy it regardless. -Matt
  4. This is very relatable to me, holy hell. As in, one of my main hobbies is writing, and about two years back I joined a Discord server for poetry (that's where I initially got the spark). And I' admit I'm not even where you are; the only recognition I got was, like, every two or three poems someone would say something about it. But even those small compliments felt great, and it was enough for me to specifically 'cater' some poems to them so that I looked more impressive to people in this server. I tried wordplay and rhymes over actual personal meaning. But something I realized and I think you might resonate with, is that I look back on those catered poems with indifference or even slight disdain. It's the stuff that I make for myself that I look back on and am proud of. And obviously, writing something only you will understand probably isn't the solution, especially if you want to reach out to others through your art. But finding that healthy middle ground where people will understand you, but you don't talk down or up to them, is a part of becoming better at your craft. You started writing for fun at first, right? It's like that for most artist and writers, me included. But then most of us lose that spark, at least a little. For me, it helped to find a purpose greater than fun, fame or recognition. But as for revitalizing the spark of "it's fun", it's possible. Make stuff that you're proud of, and try not to become dependent on others' recognition (ofc that's very easy to say and difficult to do, but it's possible). Viewing recognition as an addiction is actually quite helpful. Don't block compliments out entirely, because that could lead down a path of self-loathing and not believing any of your stuff is worth-while, but never make the numbers and recognition your main goal. At the end of the day, I'm in this boat with you. I still struggle with jealousy and recognition and all that. So maybe I'm not that qualified to give you advice, but I can say that I get you. And I bet most writers do. If you post this on the Discord server, you might get some eye rolls, but I bet you'll get a lot of fellow writers sympathizing and saying they have the same problems. And hey, if they don't do that, know that I (and based on the chat on the stream while your topic was covered, most artists here) understand. Good luck with everything - Matt / Cwilk
  5. Heya! This one might go into a bit more serious territory personally. But what I want to talk about is the anxiety I have created myself, more specifically by over-pressuring myself. You see, I've wanted to become a YouTuber for a while now. It just seems like an amazing outlet for someone like me, who enjoys telling stories through all mediums of art. I can upload music, I can animate stories, I can talk about my passions and share my thoughts. And it's possible to make a living off of it! How cool would that be! But it's faaar from a guaranteed career path. And that's really where a lot of my "artificial anxiety" stems from. In order to be at least, like, 70% sure that I'll get somewhere with it, and to feel like I deserve having my dream job when I do get somewhere with it, I have to work. I have to work hard in order to get my skills to a comfortable level before I start making videos. Gonna go off on a little tangent now, but I promise it's relevant. I started working on visual art in early 2016. Four years ago. Looking back, my work ethic was horrible at this time. I only drew stuff I knew how to, and didn't really bother improving on my own. "It'll just come naturally", I said to myself. I became an exclusively pixel artist for 2017-2019, because I was too afraid to do anything else. It was only the August of last year that I realised how bent that world view was, and right then and there I came up with an analogy. It was like I was in a race, and suddenly noticed a narrow path off the main track, and decided to take it for a shortcut. I went deeper and deeper into wherever this path was taking me. And then, I suddenly realized that I had been too self-important to notice that other people have also been improving themselves, and me taking the "shortcut" actually led me down many bad decisions that now meant I had fallen behind the pack. Now I feel like I need to be perpetually sprinting out of this path to get back on track. I was so smug these past 4 years, too. Like in 2016, I was incredibly proud of how independent I was. And it's not that you shouldn't celebrate your strengths and victories, but being arrogant and proud of everything I was doing and scared of doing anything else, ultimately hurt my progress in the long run. Four years. Four years of drawing and my skills were a fifth of what I wanted to achieve with that time. Now I'm two or three years from the age that I want to start making videos at. Having made the realisation that I was falling behind, coupled with me going to a demanding new school, and meeting more artists who seemed better than me, well, needless to say, my self-esteem took the biggest hit it has ever taken. I plunged into one of my worst depressions in the fall of 2019, and the anxiety began at around then. So, the anxiety. It kicks in pretty sporadically, mostly at moments when I'm not being productive. It's the sudden recall that I'm falling behind, that I need to sprint, and that I need to sprint now. And it's overwhelming. Suddenly, music becomes too distracting, silence becomes too loud, and my heavy heartbeats drown out any rationality in my head. Long story short, any hope of even being productive is shot down, because I'm completely incapacitated. It's strange for me, because I've never really had any anxiety prior to this all, which is why I call it artificial. It's 100% something I created for myself. It's like that song "Back Where I Belong" by Static-P. He's kind of an indie producer, you might not know him really. But there's the line "Cause I'm the one who's holding me back, back from who I had dreamed I'd become" Sarcasm aside, I guess I'm looking for advice. On one hand, I hate that I feel over-pressured so often, even if I'm not working a lot. And on the other hand, honestly, "I'm falling behind" is among the best motivators I've had for creating art. And maybe I should try to figure out how to work together with these emotions, instead of working against them. Signed, Matt / Cwilk
  6. I absolutely resonated with this topic, Snow. I have had experience with feeling empty while playing video games, for example. For me it was always that I felt lonely while doing it, so for me YouTube videos definitely helped, because it's more about human feelings and interaction. I am just throwing out ideas, but another explanation might be that you spend your time a little too passively, what with school seeming boring and I'm guessing not too challenging. Maybe pick up some new hobby or way to be productive. Productivity doesn't have to be scary, and another way to feel more active is to fully focus on something and not let it be a passive activity. Some new animes, games or books can help with that, too! (I'm gonna provide you with some recommendations at the end of this post) Just don't let it be a mindless activity, like playing rounds of a game you've already been playing non-stop. There's not a lot of novelty there. So, what is more novel? Here are some activities I suggest that may help with what you're feeling. My final tip before listing those things is to not obsess over chasing and experiencing fun. At first it might just be a feeling of good enough, and if so, I want you to celebrate that. When you see "small" victories like that as what they actually are - great successes and accomplishments - you might even feel like those brief moments were something more than fun: fulfilling. Your emotions matter, and steps out of the emptiness you feel you're in, are, trust me, very admirable and productive. Anyway, the things I promised: For a more general hobby, you might be interested in picking up running! Yes, as an unathletic guy myself, that sounds tedious as hellll. But it will help you have a more clear and rational mind, and get you some fresh air, which is very important in quarantine. I suggest watching this video to see why it's a good idea: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1hoOwbfgME Another thing to help with a feeling of loneliness is chatting with people online. If you're tired of small talk and gossip, trust me, a lot of people (including me @Cwilk#2081) are very open to having sincere conversations. Something novel to do on YouTube or for video games is revisit something from your past! I'm not sure how much you like stuff like nostalgia, but rewatching an anime you hold near and dear to your heart (and haven't watched in a while) can be a great experience. Something I will recommend is the Super Mario Bros Z. saga. It's a fan-made action-packed flash animation series that first reared its head in 2004 I believe. You don't even need to have grown up with it to appreciate the nostalgia of pixel animations and the Good Old Newgrounds Days™. Here's a link to the full series marathon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6zkGU3-OVI Now for more specific recommendations for stuff you might enjoy: - Animes like Your Name, Erased, My Hero Academia - I recently played Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door for the first time, and boy did I love it. You can install an emulator and pretty much any GameCube ROM online, if you want. - This hilarious video if you haven't seen it already: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGe79n-jcHk (language warning if you're sensitive about stuff like that). All of the Real-Time Fandubs by Snapcube are great, and there's plenty of other content on her channel to binge as well. - You mentioned podcasts, and during quarantine I've been binging SmoshCast myself. Not sure how much in the loop you are about Smosh these days, but trust me, it's far from the immature humor you might've viewed it as during the early 2010s and before. You might enjoy this episode about three members talking about mental illnesses they have: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX8ixbOUbyA - Finally, educating yourself can feel very productive and fulfilling. I suggest checking out ncase.me. They make interactive explanations for a lot of stuff, and learning with them is genuinely exciting. Something less academically educating but something that may prove way more thought-provoking for you is their game on anxiety. I personally felt a lot while playing this, and took a lot out of it. And there are obviously YouTube channels that do a great job teaching, like Vsauce, Tom Scott, 3Blue1Brown, and many many else. Well, that's it for now. I hope you get through this as soon as possible, but it's ok if you don't right away. But trust me, eventually, you'll get out, you'll be ok, and ok is good. Basically what Andy Grammer said in the song "Keep Your Head Up". I hope something here helps you Signed, Matt / Cwilk
  7. I'm a storyteller. You can call me a writer, an artist, a (very) amateur musician, and you wouldn't be wrong, but first and foremost, I'm a storyteller. After all, my main reason behind dabbling in so many forms of art is that they're great ways to tell stories. Want an appealing character? Making the character design look appealing can get you halfway there. Want to increase the emotional impact of a moment? Write a climactic song for that moment. Etc, etc. One of my dreams is to one day make an animated movie or a video game, where I could fully squeeze and streamline all of my creative outlets into one project, and tell a truly great story. Right now though I'm merely taking the first steps on a long and treacherous trek towards improving one of those outlets. A wide-eyed, innocent traveler with next to no experience in the field. A mere baby deer with-- where is this metaphor going? Music, It's music. I want to become a better musician. The thing is though, with this post, I don't really want any advice on becoming a good musician. Because I think I have a pretty good idea on how to. Practice, discipline, practice again. All of that boring stuff, you know. And I think I'm well-equipped to handle any and all Artist Problems™ I might come across, since I already have experience dealing with those through improving my visual arts. So what am I asking? Well, looks like I've crossed paths with you, as other wandering travelers, further along some metaphorical journeys than I am. And I want you to share your story, now. Aha, bet you didn't see that one coming you activated my trap card What was it like for you? How did your first songs turn out? What anecdotes do you have of learning to sing better? *Insert another question here*? The reason I want to hear this isn't that I need comforting about if everything I'm going through is normal or not. I know it is. But idk, I guess I'm looking for motivation and I'm genuinely interested in what you have to say. That being said, if you don't feel comfortable sharing something, you don't have to. Honestly, I'll be a-okay either way (hehe it rhymed). Finally, leaving the "wandering traveler" shtick aside, I love you all. The streams and the community are a great source of comfort in this stagnant point of my life, what with quarantine and all. And thank you for answering this, in advance. Signed, - Matt / Cwilk
  8. So I decided to make a parody of "Sugar-Popped Sunshine" as a joke, and actually got really invested in trying to make it good. Enjoy "Salt-Fizzled Moonlight' Goodbye everyday life It's a dark rainy night You've been awake a little while I'd like to tuck you with a rhyme Lie down! Now, grab a cup of milk, snug up, 'cause no one knows what this night dreams up Yes, your dreams are just storybooks not explored But I know that you're not yet tired Rest, my dear. The real world can wait It's so dismal that we are asleep Below the salt-fizzled moonlight We are not getting far without a doze We like those salt-fizzled moonlight nights Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moon-- We've never been here Feeling drowzy but clear We've got that glow in our eyes We see those sparks in the skies Yeah! Now, sniff a whiff of brightened parks 'cause with your eyes you light the dark Oh, your dreams are just storybooks not explored And I know that you're not yet tired Sleep, my dear. The real world can wait Chorus x1 (Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight) (Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight) Can you feel it? Can you feel it (Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight) Can you feel it Moonlight? (Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight) Can you feel it? Can you feel it? (Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight) Can you see it? (Midnight star-drizzled, salt-fizzled moonlight) Chorus x2
  9. So I've been way more active in social groups since the last post I did on online friends, but I'm still facing a couple problems. Honestly as I'm writing this it sounds like a pretty dumb problem to have, but there are moments when I'm genuinely perplexed by this, so I'm just gonna write it out. You see, I'm a big fan of sincerity, and sincere relationships. Lately I've joined a couple Discord servers, but the problem I have there, is that people tend to be more performative and careful about what they say, and not nearly everyone is as ready to share as I am. I don't know, it's not a big problem, but I would love to have more one-on-one friendships and conversations with people who are ready to be sincere. And not everyone is, and I get that. But how do I start one-on-one chats with someone like that? Do I just ask? It's such a weird thing for me; though I'm probably just overthinking it. And right now, I'm content with not having those friends, but there are moments where I reaallly wish I had some. That all being said, if anyone has the sincere want to have a nice open chat with me, contact me on Discord lol: @Cwilk#2081 Thank you for reading - Matt
  10. Aw it's amazing, it's really cute you named it after me!! I'm gonna pass the thanks onto the coders and BSS staff for even caring enough about the site to make small changes like this. You guys did a great job, thank you
  11. Cwilk


    I'm really glad you like it! Thanks a ton, you're also great
  12. Cwilk


    Holy crap that means a lot, Ryan!! Got a lot of motivation right now and I'm so glad you liked it. You're great
  13. Cwilk


    So I've just finished the instrumental of my first ever song! There are definitely faults (transitions were especially difficult to construct for me) and I welcome any and all criticism or feedback you guys have. There are lyrics to it but I am just uploading the instrumental (at least for now) until I'm a bit more comfortable with my voice. I'll still post the lyrics so you can get the atmosphere I was going for and maybe enjoy them as a standalone poem for now (or if someone wants to do a cover, which would be extremely flattering and nice. By all means don't feel like you should though, I'll probably get around to doing it myself at some time). The words line up with the main melody most of the time, more precisely start at 0:22-0:40 (instrumental breaks are denoted by "//"), then at 0:46-1:14, at 1:43-2:10, and 2:42-3:08. I hope you enjoy both the lyrics and melody of it, or at least find it to be a comforting tune. There's a little text about the meaning of the song after the lyrics. Remark Flick the switch The lighthouse weaves up The nights and days but I'll try and keep pitch So it goes The wind hurls leaves up This winter night but The lake water glows, like // I'm not afraid of the dark I'm scared of passing remarks Cause when I walk through dim parks The sky fills up with these sparks I'm not afraid of the brush It's just my vocal chords' blush So let me show you landmarks I'm not afraid of the dark The streaks of magic abide Our want and never subside And flowing ribbons above Oh, they remind me of love // I've got a long way to go Through all the luminous snow Heavy toothpaste crystal fog And dusty old catalogs I'm not from a high-school band But do play the minute hand Don't care for hourglass sand I'm more for far-away lands The butterfly I saw twice Bouncing to edelweiss~ I think is wishing me well Well I've got stories to tell // So I know The lighthouse dreams up This gloomy night but My heart is aglow And when I walk through the nights The sky fills up with these lights And echoes singing off-key But yet it feels more like me I'd like to make some remarks I'm not afraid of the dark. So the way the lyrics came to be is that I noticed how all of my poems were packed with meaning and most lines had a clever nuance to it. When I listened to some of my favorite songs though, I found out just how much of them had simple but wondrous lyrics and melodies. The lyrics I wrote tried to capture half of that simplicity and half of pure unadulterated wonder through pretty nights. It's definitely not meaningless by all means, but I tried to explain myself a little bit less with this one. What felt nice, felt nice, and that was that. Thanks for reading and listening -Matt Cwilk_-_Remark.mp3
  14. Cwilk


    Celebratory dancing - visualize never losing
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