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Cherri last won the day on April 30

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About Cherri

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  • Birthday 04/21/2002

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  1. First of all, I know the first though some might immediately have is "but nobody deserves anything," but stick with me for a moment. I've been debating leaving BSS and everything surrounding it. I changed my mind to wanting to go back to making music again, and my constant shifting of interests makes me feel like a nuisance. Also, while I love everyone in the community, it's very painful. It's come to the point where I feel like everything I'm doing is because "I made mistakes, so I must repair the relationships I broke as a result." But I'm done with this mentality of thinking that I owe anyone anything. Ironic, considering what this post is about. But the reason I want to break this mentality is because if I'm able to cut off having to owe people things, or having to live for certain people, then I don't have to live at all. I'm no longer Christian. Do I believe in some higher power? I surely believe it's possible, but as for religion, I am undecided and plan on staying undecided so that I am free to believe whatever, as long as it feels true. So do I believe in a God? Possibly. Religion aside, I can continue on this post. I don't want to live. I want to die. I've been this way for quite a while, and the feeling never left, I just kept silent about it because I didn't want to keep complaining about the same thing. You don't deserve to have to repeatedly deal with my issues, and I don't deserve to be helped. If everything's a gift, and nothing is deserved, then I don't want to take the gift. Give it to someone that could do better with it. The gift will simply be wasted in my hands. I don't deserve life, to experience beautiful things, to have any talent (not that I have much to begin with), or anything at all. Even if no one deserves anything, I still deserve less than that. I deserve death, I deserve pain, I deserve Hell for all the people I've hurt and all the mistakes I've made. It's hard to explain, because if no one deserves anything, then do I even deserve that? But I do. I deserve everything miserable. I deserve nothing but pain. I am deserving of destruction. I don't deserve the light or the good and beauty it brings. And because of all of this, I want-- no... need to die. I wish I could so badly, but I know doing so will hurt my sisters, my grandparents, and those who love me. I don't deserve their love, and I wish I could make them see that. I wish I could die without causing anyone any type of pain or hardship. I'm positive nothing can change the way I feel about myself, but I thought I'd post this anyways since this is the only place I can say these things without causing people to panic. I'd like to be proven wrong, but part of it comes from me. Only I can fill the remaining gap needed to change the way I feel about myself. "Fall from grace, run away from what's inside. Hide your face, you should leave me far behind." Also, if this is my final topic, then I must say thanks for all the problems of mine that you've helped me with, and I'm sorry for everything. No one deserves the burden that I am. I know some will probably try to convince me that I'm worthy of love, but save your effort, please, for your sake. I'm not worth it, especially not to myself.
  2. UPDATES: So, I've decided to pursue animation so that I can accurately tell the stories I want to tell. My stories are very visual, as I'm a very visual person, especially when it comes to creativity. The whole reason I loved music was because, every time I listen to music, stories and visuals appear in my head (without my control). For those reasons, I have decided to pursue 2D animation. I made a goal of drawing at least once a month so I can improve my drawing skills. Plus, 2D animation was my favorite class I've ever had in school, or in life as a whole. However, worry not, I'm still going to Japan and am going to live there. In fact, I'm going to work at an animation studio. Of course, they don't get paid too well so I'll probably definitely have a side-job. I'm going to attend a college in the US, physically instead of online, because having completed school, I now miss having classmates and people to befriend and communicate with. After I get the degree, that's when I'll take the JET Program, allowing me to teach in Japan, where I'll then gain citizenship after my time in the JET Program has expired. Then I'll work for an animation studio... or maybe even create one. That would be interesting. Either way, the biggest change is the type of content I'm going to make. Rather than vlogs, it's going to be animations. So Natsukashii Traveler may become Natsukashii Productions.... or something else with the word "Productions" in it. Maybe one day it'll be Natsukashii Studios. Either way, I'll keep in touch! Anyways, sorry for wasting time. Onto the post: I love the feeling of love. It's a feeling that I always love to be in, no pun intended. I've been in love with a certain someone for quite a while now, but haven't gathered the courage to ask again. Why? Because I know I'll be rejected. They do not love me romantically like how I feel for them. I know I'll be rejected because I already have been by them once before. I've considered asking again now that I'm 18 but I've been too nervous to. I don't want to ruin what I have, but I'd also like to be able to express the love I feel for them without restraint or worrying about losing them. I'd do anything for them, and I'd do anything just for them to know how much I love them. I don't really know what the question would be here, but I do know that I love this person but fear letting them know again because I know for a fact that they'll reject me. Depending on the scenario, they might even be attending the stream... but either way, I hope I'm not too easy to read when it comes to who it is.
  3. Okay, before this post begins, I want to clear up some things. 1. My dream of being an angel is no longer existent and I don't know how I feel about faith or religion at the moment, and it's too stressful for me to want to try and think about or figure out for now. I just want to be me without censoring or feeling as though I'm shutting out a part of who I am. 2. The thing I said during a previous stream about my dream leaning more towards "chasing nostalgia" was completely false. Sure, that's motivation for my dream of wanting to live in Japan, but it's not necessarily the dream, rather motivation. So... the dream is Japan, one of the motivators is nostalgia. Thought I'd clear this up because it bothered me ever since I said it. 3. Yes, this post was something else entirely, originally...... but I'm embarrassed of it and can't stand the idea of having anyone see what it was, which is funny because part of the topic mentioned that aspect of me. Anyways, the question for this post is basically that; there are parts of me I feel are very embarrassing, and things that I say that are very embarrassing, that may lead people to have a negative impression of me. I can't stand this and it comes to a point where, despite others' thoughts of me, sometimes I simply just hate what I say and hate myself for certain things I'll say. I don't even have the courage to really even bring a clue as to what the original post was about, so properly asking this question is difficult. How do I have the courage to talk about my flaws without overdoing it to a point where I hate myself for saying something embarrassing or going too far with it? That's my best attempt at forming the question.
  4. This whole issue began seven years ago, possibly even when I was born. My life is full of so many changes constantly, and not small changes either. My birth wasn't planned, and my birth parents weren't in love for true love, and got divorced when I was only three. My step dad was in the army, as I've mentioned before, causing us to move constantly. The longest I've lived anywhere is in New York, which was for four years. I made many friends there, as I've mentioned before. We eventually moved, and I made more friends and lost more friends that I had ever made. My step dad's abusive and manipulative actions caused my mom to divorce him, as I've also mentioned before. I'm now 18. For those who know me, this is all common-knowledge by now. I used to be a "horrible human being," as people have called me before. I used to be "manipulative," as people have called me before. I used to be "immature" and "socially inept" and "stupid," as people have called me before. Maybe that's because I didn't care where life took me. I did things for the sake of having fun; for the sake of making my life an interesting story. I had a dream, yes, but I knew it was far enough away for me to be able to take things for granted and do as I pleased without care. I didn't have to worry about responsibility. Now I've reached a point where it's time for me to start working towards my dream. I'm graduating in less than a month (May 16th). No more taking things for granted, wasting my time doing and saying whatever I please. There are certain things I must do to reach my dream. I can't stay here forever, as change calls once again, but this is the biggest change I've ever undergone and the biggest leap I've ever taken, and I'm scared. Time is brutal, pulling me into a state of reminiscence and memories, resurrecting past issues while bringing forth new ones. It's come to the point where I've questioned hurting myself just for the ability of feeling like how I felt back then. I miss youth and the ability to do as I pleased without worrying about consequence, filling my life with struggles for the sake of change. As weird as it sounds, I miss being in pain, and I miss being depressed, because it reminds me of youth. Nostalgia is a feeling I obsess over, and the formula for it is change itself. The reason I often mention and love New York so much is because change occurred naturally there. We used to travel a lot, of course, but every season was extremely different. You have Fall, painting the mountains with a variety of colors. Orange, red, and especially yellow, which was my favorite color as a child. Then the color would fade, everything would be brown, only for Winter to come along and coat everything in white. I lived on the side of a mountain in New York, next to a much larger mountain, and facing the Hudson river. When Winter came, I'd go outside to be greeted by the massive mountain covered in snow, towering over me and the whole town. After Winter, things would remain colorless once again, only for Spring to liven everything up. It'd seem like a rain forest because there was so much green, and it often rained. Then Summer came, and Summer was always sunny. It was a nice time to go for walks and enjoy the moments before Fall brought about change once again. In New York, change came naturally, and so nostalgia did too. When we moved from New York, however, that natural change stopped. Every season where I live is about the same as the last and the next. I had to take change into my own hands to bring nostalgia. I'd do things for the sake of the moment, not caring about the consequences, throwing people away only to want them back because I knew it would bring about change, and that change would bring nostalgia of how things were before the change. But now youth is dead, and I can't be who I was anymore. I can't take people for granted, or do things to bring change. I have a path I've paved that I must take control and follow to fulfill my dream. I enjoyed the memories I made up until this point, and I don't regret them at all. I love them; all the good times and the bad times. They were beautiful, but it feels as though time took it all away from me too quickly. I simply can't get back who I was while staying on the path to this dream that I wish to fulfill. Sorry if this post was confusing to understand or follow along with.
  5. P.S. I share a birthday with Chris Broad (from Abroad in Japan) Hooray for April 21st!
  6. I've tried YouTube, I've tried game development, I've tried music, I've tried science and astronomy, I've tried astrophotography, I've tried voice acting, I've tried drawing, I've tried engineering, I've tried graphic design, and just about every other art and science there is. That being said, I think I've tried enough of each to have a good idea of what I want to do. Upon taking the inspiration advice, I have decided that doing YouTube will be what I do. Music is fun, but I've found that it's more fun listening to rather than making (in my case). Having taken one film class in middle school, and three film classes in high school, I think that this will be a good route to go. That being said, Journey To Japan is being revived, and hopefully I'll be able to stick with it this time. At least, having informed my family of this, I intend on and am determined on keeping it despite any setbacks or second thoughts I might have. I have decided to do this because there's a feeling I've been missing, and that is traveling. I used to travel all the time (and move all the time) because my step dad was in the army. It's part of what made my time in New York special. We often traveled, and the times we spent on those trips were unforgettable, but also the feeling of comfort when coming back home was also a part of what made New York unforgettable. However, with my mom having divorced my step dad (things are going great, by the way), that aspect of my life has been brought down and I haven't traveled in forever. I'd say that's a big reason I was uninspired at first in regards to Journey To Japan. Moving to New York brought me lots of golden memories I'll never forget, and I think another big reason for that is because I had never lived in the north before, so it was a very different experience. I believe that moving to and living in Japan will regain that feeling, it being a different experience with lots to explore. However, there are still a few issues. Upon speaking with others who have similar dreams of living in Japan, a degree in Media Communications - which I'd like to pursue upon deciding to create a YouTube channel - wouldn't decrease my chances nearly as much as I thought they would. This is excellent news and brings me even more hope, seeing as I had previously thought I needed a degree in linguistics, which doesn't sound as intriguing to me as Media Communications. In fact, a degree in Media Communications would probably do me just as well as a degree in linguistics when it comes to the JET Program that I intend on taking. I intend on getting the degree online, so that I may attend a language school in Japan while gaining my degree. When I return from the language school, I will also be gaining my Bachelor's around that time, and will be able to apply for the JET Program after, as soon I wish. My grandmother's aunt (still alive, just thought I'd inform) actually lived in Japan for a while, and she has Japanese friends, and they said that they'd love to get to meet me, answer any questions I had about Japan, and help me towards getting to live there. These are all exciting revelations that I believe will hopefully help solidify my path towards living in Japan. I already have a video planned for Journey To Japan that I will be sure to share. That being said, the issues now become: I don't know how long I should live in Japan. I'd love to spend my whole life there, but with family across the world, that might be a difficult thing to do. On top of that, lack of travel takes a toll on my inspiration when it comes to it, but I don't want to live life years from now regretting turning down the opportunity to live abroad, so that serves as good motivation. Also, this has got to be the tenth post I've made around this topic. I am very determined to make this my final topic around the issue, too. If it comes down to it, then I'll even make it my dream for this to be my final topic about deciding what I'll do. This is it, and a promise to myself of such.
  7. (SOLVED) My dream of being an angel still lives... kind of. It's as if I want it so badly, but I know I'm falling away from it. I want to be like Princess, Static, and Joe, and be of light, but I'm finding that hard to maintain in the face of temptation. How do I resist temptation and keep my light in the heart of darkness? Also, how can I forgive myself for messing up countless times on trying to achieve this dream of mine?
  8. This is Weighing Options, but I changed the name since it became less related to "Weighing Options" and more of a problem of "Inspiration"
  9. I forgot I already made a topic named this...... Unless I double-forgot and didn't make a topic named this, but I'm pretty sure I did. Thanks ADD.
  10. Another (hopefully final) topic about this issue because my mind can't rest. Upon reevaluating.... everything... I have discovered that I really do thoroughly enjoy making music. It's not just for others' appraisal and recognition, but it makes me happy making it. At the time of originally writing this post, I was discouraged from making music because recently someone had told me I was horrible at singing and that I sucked. Looking back, I'm completely able to realize now that they probably didn't actually mean what they said, but were probably in a bad spot at the time. After all, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one who was told that. Now, having recovered, I do enjoy making music for my own interest just as much as for others' interest. And I think the real issue here isn't what I should do. I'd love to be able to tell the stories I have through music, but I just haven't exactly figured out how. I think the realest issue here is rather how to stay inspired while making music when I feel burnt out and like I've peaked. It's a question I've had way before I even had this back-and-forth of what I want to pursue. So how do I stay inspired making music (as someone with ADD whose mind is constantly running place to place) when feeling burnt out and as if I'm reached my peak?
  11. Funnily enough, about the politics section, my friends actually made a podcasty type thing on YouTube about this exact ordeal; how divided people are these days when it comes to politics. They're on the same page that it's possible to disagree while also respectfully having a conversation. They pointed out so many amazing points, such as that people often have the intent of going into a political conversation to change someone's stance on something, but that isn't a good approach. They also pointed out that it's not good to view one side as "stupid" or less-intelligent just because their view may be different or not be as factually sound, because they're human too and that everyone has moments where they'll say something untrue without knowing it's not true, so they shouldn't be faulted for it. They also pointed out many other things, such as the mentality of "safety in numbers," and in the end everyone has the same goal, just different ways on how to reach it, and that often people might think that they're the ones educating the other side on what's right instead of opening themselves up to new perspectives, which can be a toxic approach. Anyways, just thought I'd mention since I feel that they did an amazing job on covering that in a way that didn't shun either sides, despite them being very strongly conservative.
  12. Just as promised, I changed my name to whatsupwityomamadat. Anyways, onto the post: I absolutely cannot spell despise labels. I've always hated politics and political parties because it's nothing but a bunch of back-and-forth. Stereotypes are one of the deaths of humanity, as I've mentioned before. Having grown up in a Republican family, with Conservative friends in real life, and looking up to content creators who are Liberal, Progressive, or some other label, I see a lot of "the left is toxic because this" and "the right is stupid because of this," and it's honestly the dumbest and most aggravating thing ever. People in my school will harass you and assume harsh things about you if you associate yourself with a certain side, and it's ridiculous. From what I've heard, I fit in the Independent category, not really favoring or fitting in a certain side, but I don't even like considering myself that. I'd rather just be me. There are so many assumptions people make, like if you're a certain party that makes you less smart or kind of a person than if you were another party. But I don't really feel alone or like I'm the one who's missing out. It feels more like everyone else who buys into that sort of propaganda is just blind, because George Washington himself warned against political parties, claiming that they only cause divisions. Man, was he correct about that. It's more than just political parties, though. While I'm straight, I often find it aggravating how people get upset and even physically violent at people who claim to love the same gender, or those who wish they were of another gender. Things like that aren't a choice, there's psychology and science that go along with it, and even with that, it's not their decision to decide who that person can and can't love. It's surprising to me that there are people who don't see the parallels between what racism was and what the violence towards LGBTQ is. As for the people who are of certain religions and cultures and believe it to be a sin, it's still not right for them to enforce their beliefs on others. To clarify, I am completely fine with people who believe that it is a sin, however I do not think that necessarily justifies the right to discriminate against people who are or treat them like any less of a human. The forcing of beliefs on others is exactly what often steers people away from those exact beliefs. As a Christian who has lived in a very strictly Christian family, there are times where my family is so strict to the point where it's overly-religious. And yes, that's a thing; it's where you've become so religious that you start feeling as if your word is the word of God, claiming that others are going to Heaven or Hell for watching or doing certain things, and ignoring the context of those things. But that's not for them to decide, that's for God to decide. And religion is exactly the topic I wanted to get into. (That was a smooth transition, amiright?) Now, I don't really know what branch of Christianity I am. I only know I believe in God and Jesus and the word of the Bible. I've talked to Hailey and she's of LDS, and I've read into it and am intrigued. I like the feeling I get when I read about it. It's of light. I've heard Ryan (and I don't know if this is true for Joe as well) say that he is Catholic. I have a few Catholics in my family, but the majority - especially the part I have to deal with daily - is Baptist. Apparently my mom has somewhat of a "disbelief" in Catholicism (I don't know if disbelief is the exact word I'm looking for, but she doesn't really like it is what I'm trying to say). But it gets really bad once you get to my mom's mother. She's the one that I'm talking about that's "overly-religious" to the point of claiming things as if her word is what's final. She doesn't have a bad intent, I know, but it's more of an unhealthy habit. Once you're around her, you'll really start asking, "whatsupwityomamadat?" She very much so dislikes Catholicism, and I'm not exactly sure why. I've tried researching into the differences between the two, but from what I've found there's not really anything too different or any reason for the overreactions they have. My mom and her mom do have really bad anxiety though, so that could very well be the reason why they're both very strict and overly-religious. While researching, however, I did find a quote that I absolutely loved about the subject, stating, "It’s faith in Jesus Christ that saves, not membership in a church or denomination. Salvation is not determined by church membership. Salvation is determined by personal faith in Jesus Christ." Like I said, I am not sure about what I'd specify as, but I'd be very interested to hear your stances on this since I agree a lot with what you guys have to say about God. I don't quite like how judgmental they are and how they overreact.
  13. Update: I've recently found that creating a dream helps. My dream is to become big like Red, Starset, etc. and to give people the same kind of home and sense of belonging that I was given from those bands and communities.
  14. Update related to the whole music artist thing: I finally, after an eternity, came up with a band/artist name that clicks in my mind and went ahead and created all the socials and stuff for it. I've decided the name will be "Twenty Second Countdown" and it will be using my own vocals! (Whether I like it or not) There will be a YouTube channel for it and content once I finish making the debut EP or album. Here's the SoundCloud page in case anyone's interested and wishes to keep in touch and updated:
  15. Cherri

    Blossom (ACT 0)

    I just updated the story / revised / fixed it. ACT I, Chapter I will come soon.
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