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BDP last won the day on April 30

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About BDP

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  • Birthday 04/21/2002

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  1. Vision, hearing, speaking, and life in general, is all a gift in my mind. None of it is guaranteed. Birth doesn't guarantee a working heart, nor does it guarantee the gift of sight, vision, taste, hearing, speaking, or anything. You don't need eyesight to live, nor do you need hearing or voice. People live without them, so they are not "required" to live, they're gifts. I've been so grateful for all of these gifts except for voice. I've never liked my voice. I've been told it's deep, which is why I often don't like to sing songs that are in the lower part of my voice. Even if it strains my voice, I try to go as high as I can with my voice, no matter how hard it is to hit certain notes. Recently, I've been finding ways to switch to my low falsetto whenever it reaches a certain point where I physically can't go up anymore. But this forceful exertion is probably what has led me to the issue of this post: I'm losing my voice. It's been gone for over a week now, but has only left the deep part of my voice. Ironically, this is the very reason I hated my voice. It was too deep. Why even pursue music when there are so many much more talented people than me? It seems as though everyone I know has a better voice than me, or at least that's what I see. When I sing, no one appears impressed, yet someone else will sing and everyone acts blown away. Why try, then, if everything I do is overlooked? Sure, it's fun to make music and fun to sing, I'd love to be able to sing to my music. I even want to make hard rock music because I seem to impress people with my screaming. But whenever you're an artist and you put all of your love into making something, only for it to be overlooked, it can be quite uninspiring. Of course, there are bands (current and old) that have lead singers with deep voices, but for the most part it seems like they're a thing of the past. Now people are more impressed with higher voices, and the higher your voice is the more impressive it is. How can I learn to be grateful for what my voice is? Is there anything I can do for my voice now that I'm losing it? I should definitely take a break and rest my vocals, but I can't seem to do that. I'm obsessed with singing and I don't think that's helping.
  2. Things have been nothing short of amazing. I've recently made the decision to dive headfirst into nostalgia instead of shying away from anything related to the past. I haven't felt this amazing in years... since New York, even. All of the music stuff I ordered finally came in and I'm so excited and inspired! I'm still an admin on the server I mentioned last post. It's been fun and I really do feel like I belong. I've always wanted a position of power and leadership, having never had either my entire life. I'm the best I've ever been, and honestly it feels like I was made for this... like it was meant to be. To add onto the amazing, ever-expanding list of good news, I have a girlfriend now! Yay! However... I know that no matter what I do, this feeling won't last. I know that this happiness and light that I have now won't last. Eventually, it'll fade and go away just like everything and everyone else in my life. Maybe that's me being too pessimistic, but I have a reason to be, especially when that pessimism has been nothing but true my entire life. I don't want it to end, but I know it won't last. Is there a way to make it last? Or at least a way to prepare for when this feeling fades? I love my life and everything's 1000% amazing. I just don't want this feeling to ever leave. (P.S. I always sing Static's songs on karaoke servers and I've met a couple people who recognized them. They even said I sounded like Static a little when I sing, which is inspiring. Also Static, a person who goes by Kuare on Discord wanted me to let you know that she loves "Life Might Take Us" :3)
  3. I've recently regained my faith. I've had a lot of dreams about "the end." I also had a dream about me making music after once again wondering what I wanted to do. Then I had another dream about me wanting to pursue animation over music. Today, I even saw an ad for film-making that put it in a way which made it seem like it was meant to be. But then I also have fallen in love with synthwave/retrowave/synthpop music and bought a lot of (expensive and somewhat unnecessary but awesome) music equipment. That being said, yes, I changed my mind again. Instead of being a singer, however, I might just be an electronic producer, like Alan Walker. That way I don't have to worry about my voice and can focus on the instrumentals/production, yet still have a stage. Maybe even write some of the lyrics if something hits me. Okay okay, so... I changed my mind again. What's new? A lot, actually, and I'm very eager and happy to share this with you all. I made a quite an interesting decision recently. I had been wanting to go back to my original-self recently. I miss being able to be what I was, and live like I lived. I might just get that, but at the same time it'll be completely different. It'll be the same me that I was, but just.... better, and with new memories. A new start. It'll be home to my heart. I recently asked my friends who I regained contact with (such as May) why they ever fell in love with me to begin with. I then asked someone (who I shall not name) from Static's server why they decided to be with me. The results were very different. For May, it was because she said I always listened to her problems, no matter how big or small, that I cared about her, and that I always made her feel like she was someone special. For the other, it was because she felt bad for me. These two different results left me to reflect. I asked because I wanted to expand the parts of me that were good. But while doing so, I also got hit hard with guilt. It doesn't matter who I was nice to when, in the end, I hurt them both anyways. Then I found another server and made a lot of friends. They're all nice, but then they revealed another issue about myself.... that I can't carry a full conversation without becoming depressed over something. Luckily, this is no longer an issue and that's awesome! I've learned not to get too consumed by my past. After all, I am not my demons. And as the "Cherri" on top, I am now a staff member of that server. An admin, to be specific. However, if I can do all this, why stop here? Why not strive for the best ending I could ever imagine? Why not do everything I set my mind to? There's no reason to quit now. As for the question, there's an aspect of me I feel could use a little bit more fixing (ironically). I wish to be like Ryan and Joe in a lot of aspects, but especially in their ability to have a saint's patience. So how do I become that? (Also P.S. Ryan - I don't know if you saw my message I sent on Discord, but I sent you a message... I don't want to like put any pressure or interrupt anything, but whenever you get a chance, it would mean the world to me if you could just let me know)
  4. Sometimes I like to take an outside look at my life, observing the chaos that surrounds it. I've recently been thinking about happy endings, and when I'll get mine. Some people find where they belong while others remain searching. Some find it, and some never will. I need to pursue something that can allow me to be honest, like this. I need a place that I can retreat to; a place where I can stop thinking and worrying about the chaos. A place where I can process life. I only had music and science in mind, but last night I had quite the dream. Do dreams have meaning? I don't know, but I think it's possible. My dreams often lead me where I need to go, after all. In some cases, they've even told my future. They've acted as a map throughout my whole life, telling me things I don't want to face, but things I need to know. With all of the political tensions going on recently in my family and online, it's no wonder that my dream would surely point me in a direction that solves those issues. In the dream, I had arrived in Japan as a surprise from my mom. It felt so real, and it was beautiful, so much so that I was overwhelmed. It made me emotional, but in a good way. Recently, I've been having difficulties with inspiration when it comes to both music and science. I had forgotten all about the option of living in Japan. I think this dream could be telling me that I should pursue that option. I got an immediate feeling that that's what it was about. Trying to pursue music or science only puts me in a position where I'm unable to feel. I sacrifice all of my emotions and my life's story for the stories I create in my head, and it's draining. It's like an addiction unless I take that energy and focus it somewhere else. In this case, it would be focusing on living in Japan and focusing on me. However, I'm hesitant to leave behind my stories and music for what I know it wants me to do. Everyone already thinks and expects so much of me when it comes to making music. They (especially my family) don't want me to quit, but if I follow this dream it'll fix my issues and I can focus on me. I just want to go where my dreams lead me without worrying about what others want and expect from me. But I'm also having difficulty sticking to this option because I know it'll be the hardest of the bunch, which is the reason I forgot it was even an option. I need help learning how not to give up due to the challenges I know it will produce.
  5. Another update? Having graduated from high school, I've been debating what to pursue again. The choice was between music and science. I want to choose one that I can make a difference in. I guess that my right ear got so tired of me trying to make up my mind, that it made a decision for me, so now I can't hear out of my right ear. If I'm unable to get my hearing back in that ear, then science will be what I pursue. That's completely fine with me, as I feel the world needs another Einstein. I think the hardest part of becoming such an influential and largely-known figure is just the application. Anyone can become the next Einstein if they focus their energy in the right places. But if my hearing doesn't come back, and if I've already chosen science by the time it does come back, I'll continue pursuing science. It'll be my calling. Science is fun, after all... and with all the beauty I've witnessed in it, it wouldn't be shocking if it I did decide to go with it. It's been there for me throughout my life, just as much - if not more - than music. So now this decision lies in fate's hands, just where it needs to be... out of mine so that I don't keep playing hot potato with my interests. And now for the topic... Originally, it was something else, but I discovered that it contributes to this overall feeling I have... a deep, excruciating feeling that kills me inside. It's one I've dealt with all of my life, and one I've mentioned here several times. Of course, you can tell by the title that its loneliness. Did you know that loneliness is more deadly than diabetes, and is about the same as smoking a pack of cigarettes per day? It increases aging, increases chances of cancer, increases chances of gaining Alzheimer and similar symptoms (my love for science remains). Being rejected, outcast, or discarded from a group or circle of people used to be related to survival. Before modern times, if you were kicked out of a circle, you most likely would be left for dead. Survival depended on being with others. And while loneliness and being alone are two different things, loneliness can make someone seem cold, negative, socially awkward... and it's the hardest cycle for me to come out of. I can't. I don't think I ever can. Part of me wants it. I mean, its essentially a ticket to an earlier death. Why would I pass up that whenever being alone is also something I constantly suffer from? I have almost no one, the people I do have either belittle me or go to know me no further than a "Hey, how are you? Okay, bye." conversation, despite my efforts. It's come to the point where the pain is what makes me worth knowing. It's as if the only way for me to be seen is to bleed. To be seen, I need to hurt. If I'm not hurting, no one will listen. No one will care. No one will want to be around me. It's as if they think I'm nice from a distance, but only able to be loved from a distance. No one trusts me. No one wants me back. The people I thought were trying to regain contact with me abandoned me. The world abandoned me. I've poured my insides out just trying to get someone to listen, but I might as well be talking to a brick wall. This was all for nothing. Their hearts are full of suspicion. Fear. But eventually you have to face the things you talk about. You can't let fear control your life, because then you're not living. Fear is. It comes to a point where it becomes ignorance rather than a matter of protecting anyone. I can't be whole, but nor can anyone else. To be complete is to be blind... because there's always something. But it feels empty here in my mind. The Void is my greatest fear (alongside the fear of the ones I love being in any kind of danger, of course). I can only bleed so much until it kills me. I can only be so lonely and so alone until I fade and become nothing.
  6. First of all, I know the first though some might immediately have is "but nobody deserves anything," but stick with me for a moment. I've been debating leaving BSS and everything surrounding it. I changed my mind to wanting to go back to making music again, and my constant shifting of interests makes me feel like a nuisance. Also, while I love everyone in the community, it's very painful. It's come to the point where I feel like everything I'm doing is because "I made mistakes, so I must repair the relationships I broke as a result." But I'm done with this mentality of thinking that I owe anyone anything. Ironic, considering what this post is about. But the reason I want to break this mentality is because if I'm able to cut off having to owe people things, or having to live for certain people, then I don't have to live at all. I'm no longer Christian. Do I believe in some higher power? I surely believe it's possible, but as for religion, I am undecided and plan on staying undecided so that I am free to believe whatever, as long as it feels true. So do I believe in a God? Possibly. Religion aside, I can continue on this post. I don't want to live. I want to die. I've been this way for quite a while, and the feeling never left, I just kept silent about it because I didn't want to keep complaining about the same thing. You don't deserve to have to repeatedly deal with my issues, and I don't deserve to be helped. If everything's a gift, and nothing is deserved, then I don't want to take the gift. Give it to someone that could do better with it. The gift will simply be wasted in my hands. I don't deserve life, to experience beautiful things, to have any talent (not that I have much to begin with), or anything at all. Even if no one deserves anything, I still deserve less than that. I deserve death, I deserve pain, I deserve Hell for all the people I've hurt and all the mistakes I've made. It's hard to explain, because if no one deserves anything, then do I even deserve that? But I do. I deserve everything miserable. I deserve nothing but pain. I am deserving of destruction. I don't deserve the light or the good and beauty it brings. And because of all of this, I want-- no... need to die. I wish I could so badly, but I know doing so will hurt my sisters, my grandparents, and those who love me. I don't deserve their love, and I wish I could make them see that. I wish I could die without causing anyone any type of pain or hardship. I'm positive nothing can change the way I feel about myself, but I thought I'd post this anyways since this is the only place I can say these things without causing people to panic. I'd like to be proven wrong, but part of it comes from me. Only I can fill the remaining gap needed to change the way I feel about myself. "Fall from grace, run away from what's inside. Hide your face, you should leave me far behind." Also, if this is my final topic, then I must say thanks for all the problems of mine that you've helped me with, and I'm sorry for everything. No one deserves the burden that I am. I know some will probably try to convince me that I'm worthy of love, but save your effort, please, for your sake. I'm not worth it, especially not to myself.
  7. UPDATES: So, I've decided to pursue animation so that I can accurately tell the stories I want to tell. My stories are very visual, as I'm a very visual person, especially when it comes to creativity. The whole reason I loved music was because, every time I listen to music, stories and visuals appear in my head (without my control). For those reasons, I have decided to pursue 2D animation. I made a goal of drawing at least once a month so I can improve my drawing skills. Plus, 2D animation was my favorite class I've ever had in school, or in life as a whole. However, worry not, I'm still going to Japan and am going to live there. In fact, I'm going to work at an animation studio. Of course, they don't get paid too well so I'll probably definitely have a side-job. I'm going to attend a college in the US, physically instead of online, because having completed school, I now miss having classmates and people to befriend and communicate with. After I get the degree, that's when I'll take the JET Program, allowing me to teach in Japan, where I'll then gain citizenship after my time in the JET Program has expired. Then I'll work for an animation studio... or maybe even create one. That would be interesting. Either way, the biggest change is the type of content I'm going to make. Rather than vlogs, it's going to be animations. So Natsukashii Traveler may become Natsukashii Productions.... or something else with the word "Productions" in it. Maybe one day it'll be Natsukashii Studios. Either way, I'll keep in touch! Anyways, sorry for wasting time. Onto the post: I love the feeling of love. It's a feeling that I always love to be in, no pun intended. I've been in love with a certain someone for quite a while now, but haven't gathered the courage to ask again. Why? Because I know I'll be rejected. They do not love me romantically like how I feel for them. I know I'll be rejected because I already have been by them once before. I've considered asking again now that I'm 18 but I've been too nervous to. I don't want to ruin what I have, but I'd also like to be able to express the love I feel for them without restraint or worrying about losing them. I'd do anything for them, and I'd do anything just for them to know how much I love them. I don't really know what the question would be here, but I do know that I love this person but fear letting them know again because I know for a fact that they'll reject me. Depending on the scenario, they might even be attending the stream... but either way, I hope I'm not too easy to read when it comes to who it is.
  8. Okay, before this post begins, I want to clear up some things. 1. My dream of being an angel is no longer existent and I don't know how I feel about faith or religion at the moment, and it's too stressful for me to want to try and think about or figure out for now. I just want to be me without censoring or feeling as though I'm shutting out a part of who I am. 2. The thing I said during a previous stream about my dream leaning more towards "chasing nostalgia" was completely false. Sure, that's motivation for my dream of wanting to live in Japan, but it's not necessarily the dream, rather motivation. So... the dream is Japan, one of the motivators is nostalgia. Thought I'd clear this up because it bothered me ever since I said it. 3. Yes, this post was something else entirely, originally...... but I'm embarrassed of it and can't stand the idea of having anyone see what it was, which is funny because part of the topic mentioned that aspect of me. Anyways, the question for this post is basically that; there are parts of me I feel are very embarrassing, and things that I say that are very embarrassing, that may lead people to have a negative impression of me. I can't stand this and it comes to a point where, despite others' thoughts of me, sometimes I simply just hate what I say and hate myself for certain things I'll say. I don't even have the courage to really even bring a clue as to what the original post was about, so properly asking this question is difficult. How do I have the courage to talk about my flaws without overdoing it to a point where I hate myself for saying something embarrassing or going too far with it? That's my best attempt at forming the question.
  9. This whole issue began seven years ago, possibly even when I was born. My life is full of so many changes constantly, and not small changes either. My birth wasn't planned, and my birth parents weren't in love for true love, and got divorced when I was only three. My step dad was in the army, as I've mentioned before, causing us to move constantly. The longest I've lived anywhere is in New York, which was for four years. I made many friends there, as I've mentioned before. We eventually moved, and I made more friends and lost more friends that I had ever made. My step dad's abusive and manipulative actions caused my mom to divorce him, as I've also mentioned before. I'm now 18. For those who know me, this is all common-knowledge by now. I used to be a "horrible human being," as people have called me before. I used to be "manipulative," as people have called me before. I used to be "immature" and "socially inept" and "stupid," as people have called me before. Maybe that's because I didn't care where life took me. I did things for the sake of having fun; for the sake of making my life an interesting story. I had a dream, yes, but I knew it was far enough away for me to be able to take things for granted and do as I pleased without care. I didn't have to worry about responsibility. Now I've reached a point where it's time for me to start working towards my dream. I'm graduating in less than a month (May 16th). No more taking things for granted, wasting my time doing and saying whatever I please. There are certain things I must do to reach my dream. I can't stay here forever, as change calls once again, but this is the biggest change I've ever undergone and the biggest leap I've ever taken, and I'm scared. Time is brutal, pulling me into a state of reminiscence and memories, resurrecting past issues while bringing forth new ones. It's come to the point where I've questioned hurting myself just for the ability of feeling like how I felt back then. I miss youth and the ability to do as I pleased without worrying about consequence, filling my life with struggles for the sake of change. As weird as it sounds, I miss being in pain, and I miss being depressed, because it reminds me of youth. Nostalgia is a feeling I obsess over, and the formula for it is change itself. The reason I often mention and love New York so much is because change occurred naturally there. We used to travel a lot, of course, but every season was extremely different. You have Fall, painting the mountains with a variety of colors. Orange, red, and especially yellow, which was my favorite color as a child. Then the color would fade, everything would be brown, only for Winter to come along and coat everything in white. I lived on the side of a mountain in New York, next to a much larger mountain, and facing the Hudson river. When Winter came, I'd go outside to be greeted by the massive mountain covered in snow, towering over me and the whole town. After Winter, things would remain colorless once again, only for Spring to liven everything up. It'd seem like a rain forest because there was so much green, and it often rained. Then Summer came, and Summer was always sunny. It was a nice time to go for walks and enjoy the moments before Fall brought about change once again. In New York, change came naturally, and so nostalgia did too. When we moved from New York, however, that natural change stopped. Every season where I live is about the same as the last and the next. I had to take change into my own hands to bring nostalgia. I'd do things for the sake of the moment, not caring about the consequences, throwing people away only to want them back because I knew it would bring about change, and that change would bring nostalgia of how things were before the change. But now youth is dead, and I can't be who I was anymore. I can't take people for granted, or do things to bring change. I have a path I've paved that I must take control and follow to fulfill my dream. I enjoyed the memories I made up until this point, and I don't regret them at all. I love them; all the good times and the bad times. They were beautiful, but it feels as though time took it all away from me too quickly. I simply can't get back who I was while staying on the path to this dream that I wish to fulfill. Sorry if this post was confusing to understand or follow along with.
  10. P.S. I share a birthday with Chris Broad (from Abroad in Japan) Hooray for April 21st!
  11. I've tried YouTube, I've tried game development, I've tried music, I've tried science and astronomy, I've tried astrophotography, I've tried voice acting, I've tried drawing, I've tried engineering, I've tried graphic design, and just about every other art and science there is. That being said, I think I've tried enough of each to have a good idea of what I want to do. Upon taking the inspiration advice, I have decided that doing YouTube will be what I do. Music is fun, but I've found that it's more fun listening to rather than making (in my case). Having taken one film class in middle school, and three film classes in high school, I think that this will be a good route to go. That being said, Journey To Japan is being revived, and hopefully I'll be able to stick with it this time. At least, having informed my family of this, I intend on and am determined on keeping it despite any setbacks or second thoughts I might have. I have decided to do this because there's a feeling I've been missing, and that is traveling. I used to travel all the time (and move all the time) because my step dad was in the army. It's part of what made my time in New York special. We often traveled, and the times we spent on those trips were unforgettable, but also the feeling of comfort when coming back home was also a part of what made New York unforgettable. However, with my mom having divorced my step dad (things are going great, by the way), that aspect of my life has been brought down and I haven't traveled in forever. I'd say that's a big reason I was uninspired at first in regards to Journey To Japan. Moving to New York brought me lots of golden memories I'll never forget, and I think another big reason for that is because I had never lived in the north before, so it was a very different experience. I believe that moving to and living in Japan will regain that feeling, it being a different experience with lots to explore. However, there are still a few issues. Upon speaking with others who have similar dreams of living in Japan, a degree in Media Communications - which I'd like to pursue upon deciding to create a YouTube channel - wouldn't decrease my chances nearly as much as I thought they would. This is excellent news and brings me even more hope, seeing as I had previously thought I needed a degree in linguistics, which doesn't sound as intriguing to me as Media Communications. In fact, a degree in Media Communications would probably do me just as well as a degree in linguistics when it comes to the JET Program that I intend on taking. I intend on getting the degree online, so that I may attend a language school in Japan while gaining my degree. When I return from the language school, I will also be gaining my Bachelor's around that time, and will be able to apply for the JET Program after, as soon I wish. My grandmother's aunt (still alive, just thought I'd inform) actually lived in Japan for a while, and she has Japanese friends, and they said that they'd love to get to meet me, answer any questions I had about Japan, and help me towards getting to live there. These are all exciting revelations that I believe will hopefully help solidify my path towards living in Japan. I already have a video planned for Journey To Japan that I will be sure to share. That being said, the issues now become: I don't know how long I should live in Japan. I'd love to spend my whole life there, but with family across the world, that might be a difficult thing to do. On top of that, lack of travel takes a toll on my inspiration when it comes to it, but I don't want to live life years from now regretting turning down the opportunity to live abroad, so that serves as good motivation. Also, this has got to be the tenth post I've made around this topic. I am very determined to make this my final topic around the issue, too. If it comes down to it, then I'll even make it my dream for this to be my final topic about deciding what I'll do. This is it, and a promise to myself of such.
  12. (SOLVED) My dream of being an angel still lives... kind of. It's as if I want it so badly, but I know I'm falling away from it. I want to be like Princess, Static, and Joe, and be of light, but I'm finding that hard to maintain in the face of temptation. How do I resist temptation and keep my light in the heart of darkness? Also, how can I forgive myself for messing up countless times on trying to achieve this dream of mine?
  13. This is Weighing Options, but I changed the name since it became less related to "Weighing Options" and more of a problem of "Inspiration"
  14. I forgot I already made a topic named this...... Unless I double-forgot and didn't make a topic named this, but I'm pretty sure I did. Thanks ADD.
  15. Another (hopefully final) topic about this issue because my mind can't rest. Upon reevaluating.... everything... I have discovered that I really do thoroughly enjoy making music. It's not just for others' appraisal and recognition, but it makes me happy making it. At the time of originally writing this post, I was discouraged from making music because recently someone had told me I was horrible at singing and that I sucked. Looking back, I'm completely able to realize now that they probably didn't actually mean what they said, but were probably in a bad spot at the time. After all, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one who was told that. Now, having recovered, I do enjoy making music for my own interest just as much as for others' interest. And I think the real issue here isn't what I should do. I'd love to be able to tell the stories I have through music, but I just haven't exactly figured out how. I think the realest issue here is rather how to stay inspired while making music when I feel burnt out and like I've peaked. It's a question I've had way before I even had this back-and-forth of what I want to pursue. So how do I stay inspired making music (as someone with ADD whose mind is constantly running place to place) when feeling burnt out and as if I'm reached my peak?
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