Princess_Yellow

I'm having an emotional crisis. PLEASE HELP! Okay, so does anybody remember that girl I talked about a while back? Good. Because I'm not repeating the backstory again. Anyway I started talking to her again. Kind of. You see I found out she's seeing someone else. I've been pretending to be okay with her, but in reality it's tearing me apart and constantly feel like I'm going to puke up blood.

A dear friend of mine is packing and aiming to move across the world. And they are worried about being able to move. Some part of it is that Corona virus has pushed it back. But the biggest hurdle is that they have an emotionally unstable and manipulating "friend"/roommate who leaches off of them and they are scared to prepare for their move. They have starting dropping hints to their roommate not mentioning a date, but that roommate is already talking badly about my friend as if they are abandoning their roommate. Some things you should know is that the apartment expenses aren't an issue as the roommate could afford it. But it's a sudden change from paying 10% of rent. The roommate is acting like she's going to die forced to have responsibility even though they make more money then my friend. And the roommate is the type of person who would choose to starve instead of cleaning a dish to eat with then complain of hunger until someone else does the dishes. And worst of all, my friend is being verbally abused and that's they are afraid of doing anything. They pick on here for small things and my friend doesn't speak up because it'll just lead to more argument and abuse. "cause it'd lead to MORE backlash, more things I DO wrong, and probably "I should die". Like why would I EVEN bother and people don't GET that a lot of the time. I'm afraid of the backlash and her tendencies and its affect on me. I'm really scared about it. It's a huge weight/toll to have to deal with their constant depressive talk of wanting to die. It increasing more then it already is for 6 months? I'm not sure I could bare it" But, what they really need is some tough love and words. They know that they are immensely loved and hearing about it doesn't encourage them to think about it or solve this issue properly. Would you have some of those types of words that could help my friend?

Why does being content feel so wrong? Nothing is wrong. I don't feel guilt, sadness, pain or anger. This isn't normal for me and I feel like something is gonna blow up in my face.

Some time ago I had a massive mental breakdown due to an argument with my crush. I felt bad enough I went to my big brother (despite my massive fear of talking my problems through with my family) and couldn't emit anything but "Help me" and sobbing. Eventually, he started getting me together, and... Something weird happened. I told him everything about the situation and he asked me, "Do You think You did anything wrong?" and I couldn't answer with anything else than "but"s. "But I made her upset?!", "But I broke her trust?!" et cettera... The whole conversation suddenly turned into making me admit I did something right. And I couldn't admit it. He had to explain to me that during a certain situation (I worked with him once) I did the best out of a team of people, and it took repeating the same question ("DID you do better than others?") multiple times to get me to admit it. My self-esteem is THAT low, accepting the fact that I might've done something right was difficult. I just shrugged those moments off up until recently. That made me double-check myself. I randomly lose my temper. My self-esteem is low. I find it really hard to choose to be happy, and keep needing a cause to be happy temporarily. Why do I not seek treatment? Why am I afraid of it? Why do I avoid it?

So, this topic might be an eyesore to read through because I can't get my thoughts together, and as such; I'm sorry to whoever gets to read it! Getting onto the actual topic though, my entire problem resolves about a very specific feeling. The feeling of burnout. It, of course, brings other feelings along; Sorrow, despair, helplessness, anger, anxiety... But I wanna focus on burnout itself. I've been through a lot, got past it, started working on myself, and... well... The feeling of burnout struck. Might be because of what is going on currently; Apart from the obvious global situation, my mom was diagnosed with thyroid lymphoma just as one of her acquaintances died from it, university got really rough, relationships with people became tiresome, my anxiety spiked. So, let's take the logical steps that came to my mind into consideration! What if I tried resting? Well... I did. I relaxed, a lot, but I still can't set my mind into anything that's going on. Taking time off was great, but didn't help, not in the long shot. To be honest, trying this will probably result in me dropping out of University (but even if I do, I will just try again!) What if I stopped multi-tasking and just set my mind on one thing at a time? Well... The problem is, I can't set my mind to anything. If I were to put it into an allegory, I drop exhausted before the race even starts. Sometimes the only way to get past something is through it! "Nothing to it but to do it!" And Yes. With some problems, I can just push through and be fine. With problems that don't require too much attention or precision, just creativity. But basically, how does one recover from burnout?

Here's my short story thing. I don't know if it really fits a theme in particular, but I hope you all enjoy it. A young girl faced the sea. Inky black t'was it's cold, restless waters. Ever changing was it's tides.There she waited and waited, from dusk to dawn, day after day. Holding a single lantern which light washed over the inky blackness. Humming softly across the ocean breeze as the stars twinkled and danced upon a cloudy canvas. "Papa! Papa! Won't you come back soon?" A little girl snuggles closely with her father in a wooden ship cabin. "I'll weather any storm, knowing that you'll be waiting here for me." The father replies giving her a quick kiss on the forehead. "Sweetie, come topside. It's time to go." A tender voice calls from above the cabin. The girl faces her father once last time, taking in his features. His neat, flowing beard. His vibrant eyes and wide smile. With a snapshot in her head, she turned to return to the world above, back to the her mother and the life she was accustomed too. She then prayed every night for the heavens and the sea to watch her dad safely. However, after months, the ship didn't returned. This is not stop her prayers, nor her hope. After a year, the harbor town dwindled with hope. Succumbing to the darkness of defeat, the town stopped believing. "Never will we see that ship upon the sandy shores." they cried in grief. Yet, the little girl stayed hopeful. She didn't blame the town for their downtrodden state, she too grieved. Those who were lost out upon the uncertain waters were brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, family and friends. Yet, she wouldn't allow for hope to extinguish like a lanterns light at dawn. She vowed to go each night, to light the way home. As another year passed, the towns folk rumored and mocked her hope. "That girl is throwing her life away. Can't she just move on and accept that they are lost?" Some would say. "Hahaha, as if, I've heard she hears voices in her head telling her that they are still wondering the open blue." Other would proclaim. She simply shook her head and smiled. "They are good people, they just don't understand. The hope in their hearts have faded, yet I believe. Even mother has turned her back." A sensation of leaning forward jolts her to attention. T'was a night like every other, murky ink splashing upon the blank beige canvas. Waiting and waiting, humming the familiar tune. When out of the dark blue, a light comes shinning through. Dimly at first, blinking in and out, like the murky blackness was swallowing the light. When it faded for a while, she nearly lost hope. The darkness was teasing her, baiting her as a fisherman tempts fish. But she held fast to the light as the ache grew in her arms. Then, again, the light floated into sight. This time, it surged forth becoming brighter and brighter. And as it did, so too did a silhouette. A ship came breaking into view with the darkness falling away into the dawn. The sun glittered gloriously across the waves illuminating the battered vessel. As it rained from her eyes, a rainbow shone within her heart as she raced to the harbor docks. Within the harbor, she awoke the marina manager. "A ship! A ship! Sir, they might be home at last!" She cried to the man. Groggy, the skeptic man attempted to shoo her away, only to be taken by the hand out into the harbor. Low and behold, a shabby vessel entered into the marina. At last docked, the captain came to the dock. "I don't believe it. How are you all still alive?" The man called up. "On our way, our ship was caught up in a storm. We luckily were stranded in a harbor town, however, it took us a while to earn the money for a vessel. Thanks for lighting our way home, we thought you'd all have lost hope by now." The man piped up, "We did, it was her who lit your way home." gesturing to the girl, the captain saluted her. "Thank you child, without your light and the hope you have carried, we wouldn't have gotten the chance to make it home." She saluted back with the biggest grin. However, that familiarity that she had hoped for was nowhere to be found within the crowd of families and friends. She was overjoyed that they were home safe, yet her heart grew heavier and heavier. A man approached her from behind and tapped her shoulder. As she turned around, she cried. "Papa! Papa!" He scooped her up into his arms. "I've weathered the storm. I knew that you'd be waiting here for me. I've missed you so." As they hugged, the town awoke to the return of those they thought they'd lost. It was the dawn of a new day, rising with a new hope. And forever more, there is a lantern upon the beach held up and lit from dusk to dawn. So any lost soul on the sea, has hope to find their way home.

Recently I've been hitting this thought of what if all the pain in the world disappeared and any negative emotions could vanish. People wish not to hurt so why not grant those wishes?

Do you have a different youtube name? Or do you attend the livestreams?

Alright, Hello Listeners, It's me, Aqil Muqashim. Or you can just call me Aqil most of the time because you'll probably butcher my last name. Sigh The reason I made this video is because I wanted to do something unscripted. Something... something that I'm fully bad at. For a lot of them. Here comes the... so yeah. You probably know me by my words and probably my other aliases which is Quill. And I'm writing this in English. However when it comes to talking I'm either rapid fire rapper or a very shy person who stutters every 5 words. The thing is I don't know what to look forward to in the future. A quick run down of my history right now is basically I graduated high school, lost far too many people, gotten involved into something illegal. All of that is before I was enrolled into my first university. As you can expect, it doesn't really work well to get into debt. At first, the first semester was great. But then we kept committing and I just, I was just in quite a pickle back then and my priorities ended up failing on both of the things I was trying to focus on. Which is: 1. helping people. 2. finding proper ambition. And that is how I ended up ending my engineering studies. I just couldn't keep up. It was affecting my health, and even my family got worried. The one thing I kinda wanted to do actually, but I was blessed they have been really supportive of me. So we discussed and I got a grace period of one year I can go back to studying and I was catching every stream on Wednesdays. So I was inspired to actually start everything again. I even got involved in a new community. Which is the Vtubing. A virtual community where people actually do fun things together. Pretty inspiring. Why is the mustache villainous anyways? Anyways, What I am doing right now is public administration.Which I would basically say is managing everything a government needs to do. When it comes down to quarantine, we didn't just shutdown hospital. So that the stations still run. That everything still runs. That's our duty. We don't make promises, we execute the needs. So yeah, it's been going great so far. But then 2020 hits and all of us, our lives will probably be changed forever. So my involvement with the giving committee actually got me inspired to actually start my own kinda channel, which is supposed to be an educational series about me recording my duties in public administration students. I'm actually looking forward to working because when I start build my connections that I'm trying to make. And it's actually really supportive. The thing is, the whole drop-down situation is I kinda wish I could do more. Like I only met a small handful before we all got separated (Transcription in progress)

My dream is to be an angel... To some, this probably sounds stupid or ridiculous. Perhaps even unachievable considering the sins I commit when I don't even try. But, I want to be like Static and Joe, and be of light. Yet, I'm finding that hard to maintain in the face of temptation... It's as if I want it so badly, but I know I'm falling away from it. How do I resist temptation and keep my light while shrouded by darkness? Darkness that permeates throughout my mind clouding and ever changing the direction I seem to be moving. How can I forgive myself for messing up countless times on trying to achieve this dream of mine? How can I find balance in the desires and thoughts I have and what I know is good?

Perhaps it's just communication issues. Perhaps it's where they are at in life. Either way, there's a disconnect between my parents and I. It seems that all the conversations we have are about going back to work and working is a requirement to being allowed to stay at their house. And for me it's overwhelming to have they constantly pushing that agenda while I'm trying to float this semester of classes. Worse of all, my stepmom seems to talk as if I have no interest in my future... I don't understand... The person who knows it the most and frets over it the most is me. I understand what I need to do and what needs to happen to get there. And I know that there are lots of unknowns that I have to fill as I get more information. And the one who lives with the consequences is me. It's my life. I know that they want to help. They just want me to be on a good path and to be happy. They told me that worry that I won't understand what it is like to have to live without having resources to fall back on. That because of my possibilities that they haven't pushed me and my sister hard enough. Because of this, they see that as part of the reason that my sister isn't a functioning person according to society and is being coddled by my mom. They told me that I'm not my sister, but that my generation doesn't know how to work hard. And it almost seems that they apply that to me. Assuming that I don't work as hard as adults do. I understand that I am priviladged, that I have gotten many gifts and burdens that others don't have because of what I have even if I don't fully grasp it. I try to be respectful of the oppertunities. Yet is seems like they think I'm spoiled and need to work like an adult works and that my summer job was like working 2 hours a day. That isn't true, though perhaps she saw it that way because I don't get up as early and her and I was sometimes home before her. Part of that is because of the restrictions of my job being 30 hours at most. So that's 6 hours over 5 days. Anyway, My stepmom said "Are you ready to go back to work in three weeks after finals?" And I was thinking like "are you asking if I have asked work to work right after final? Are you assuming that I am in a space to have that ready in this moment while I'm swamped by school work? I mean a while back I had gotten in touch with them, but I'm not ready to be thinking about that." And I must have emotionally reacted. ANd perhaps I hurt her without meaning to, because of my school work fears. Cause she responded by leacing the table saying, "I'm sorry that I was trying to create conversation and think about your future." If this was for conversation, then why do when I share something important to me she just dismisses it early and just moves on without truly listening to me. without taking the time to hear me out. To care about what I care about for more the 1 minute. *sigh* I hope perhaps that if I understood it better, maybe I would be able to handle it better. Yet they just see my anxiety as trauma. Which maybe is where it began, but at the same time isn't quite it either. I don't know what to think about this. Any words of perspetive?

Help! My mum and dad look down on me as if I'm a lesser person because I took a vow of silence back in '09. They often mentally and occasionally physically abuse me. Any suggestions?

This was originally Weighing Options. Is this a new post? Or is this the same one?

So recently I’ve felt like I’ve been surrounded by death. It started with my neighbor next to me, then the one across the street a month after (like in December). Then in December/January, my theology teacher passed. Then the virus hits and there’s just deaths everywhere because I live in a hot spot. Now last week, my uncle passed. And last night, another neighbor passed away. My mom is high risk. My dad is still working. I have various aunts and uncles who’s high risk. I have my aunt who’s a nurse who’s husband is a police officer. It just feels everything is strange. Even, I’m high risk because I was born with respiratory issues.

I'm constantly dealing with a ton of stress because I'm up til 2 am or later doing homework from when I wake up to when I sleep. And I'm taking a bunch of AP courses and don't know how to deal with it.