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AqilJoy last won the day on May 21

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About AqilJoy

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  • Birthday 05/04/1999

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  1. I am the worst. I thought we've established that I don't need to do everything, but instead do what I can but this back of my mind consumed my judgement again, regurgitated questionable depictions of what I'm supposed to do. I need to be grounded, to have proper reason. Don't be dumb founded, adapt to the season. I need to collect myself. Yes, maybe visiting grandma was a great idea. A small family gathering, such merrily catering... yet I didn't feel it was fitting. I kept noding and helping out, but I feel estranged... left out. I'm just confused, I was glad to be there but all that felt fleeting. I can't get a word in. Can't even express how much joy too see my grandma again. I was just there, I guess. The day passed by and I guess the special day restriction lift was over. Back to home, I guess? The Prime Minister is under quarantine, almost 200 new cases was detected when we were doing so well, and the case from last week was shown to be something I'm very afaid of... blooming racial tension. I kept crossing my fingers hoping it was a driver under alcohol influence, it was far better than to realise that he would do it while in the right mind. I guess peace isn't an option right now, I guess we'll have to wait it out. I guess the driver will be let go with a disabled person pass. I guess I'll go work out and sleep again. I guess I'll pretend to be an idiot online again.
  2. It's uh, more on the lighter side of topic. But yeah, how to friend? Halp! For real though, the internet is an interesting place filled with characters. Sometimes my brain just turned off and I don't know how to handle people. Princess Transcription Notes: Well, hello there. So, ya it's Eid's season coming up which I kinda have been reflecting for. You see, it's kinda sighs It's kinda natural to reflect yourself upon a milestone. And this is the end of Ramadan. Which is the whole fasting month for the people of my faith. So yeah, I'm kinda thinking about what's been going on during quarantine I guess. One thing I want to ask about is friendship actually. You see, the internet is a wild place because you can be so far, and yet so close. So found new friends you could say, but I don't really know what they feel about me. Probably just some random old guy. Anyways, I just thought I should ask "How do I be a friend?" So ya. That's kinda my question. I am quite an awkward person. It is a day before Eid which is a very significant celebration to my faith a day of victory so I'm spending time reflecting. Things have changed quite a bit during the quarantine and I somehow made new friends. The thing is... I don't know how to be a friend, halp.
  3. Pena, is Portuguese for feather. Pena is also a formal word for pen in my language. Quill, my self proclaimed nickname was inspired by both it and the rhyme it had with my first name. Pena also sounded feminine so my younger self decided not to use it directly. I thought I could hold on to the name Quill, but lately I realized that I shouldn't. I will not be writing professionally, I will do it when I can. I am putting writing on an indefinite hiatus, I need to find more pieces of myself other than this guy who write sometimes. I guess I felt ordinary, plain. I guess I feel like an ordinary Joe (no offense). I just feel like my significance on low nowadays, I am cannon fodder. I guess I should try new things.
  4. I need to watch my diet, since the stress doesn't help with my blood pressure right now. It has been a tiring weekend plus a few more days, with sadly little to no progress. I don't know where I am going with this, I guess I'm mentally tired? I probably dug myself too deep at this point, as an public administration student and a relatively young person on the Internet. I thought I was stronger than this, but my research as a student and my own personal observations led me to more disappointments than I could handle right now. As a student, I am required to be updated with what's going on. What this led to is the disgust on how politics, our other half of the government was playing out. I was of age to vote about 2 weeks ago, and the realization gave me quite the headache... to think, that one day I'm going to have to work with probably even worse people in the future. I'm being selfish bringing that up, sorry. Then, as one of the people using the Internet nowadays, I tried to do something I like. I was looking through the history of Romania to find inspiration, since my Tiga Puluh Hari post here was on an indefinite hiatus. Surprise, surprise... more drama happened. After working on my 3D model, I thought I could finally get some discussions going on to improve and learn more. But I guess you can't have new Romans when Rome burns. So I decided to hold off on the development and read up on the drama too. I thought understanding more of the situation would help my head clear off. I was mistaken, cause now I have a headache and I feel sick. As of last post, I'm starting to lose my sense of self again. That's kinda one of the reasons I left the server recently, trying to not bring more negativity in. This new low of significance doesn't feel good, and I admit it is selfish of me to say that. After all, at this point I can't get anything done. I'm no longer creative, if I ever was at one point. I am no longer consistently kind, cause I ended up using silence. I am tone deaf and my face would lead to someone wishing for death. I am also becoming an idiot, a gullible and insensitive dum dum. I have midterms coming, so I'm walking away. It's not like I can do anything about it right now. It's not like I have to care about strangers online. It's not like it was not normal these days to lack the care for others. It's not like I matter right now. Yes, I am a coward. I ran away. All I wanted to do is curl up on my bed. Not that I got much sleep anyways. The fetal position was just right for me, since I'm a big baby. Let me sleep in the dark for a bit, and pray that I can open my eyes with a fresh view. I'm sorry for the lack of proper writing lately. I am terrible at being a human with emotion, in expressing it. Now, I doubt if I actually learnt anything, because mimicry can produce similar results when I think about it. *sigh* This felt roundabout, all of these felt like Deja Vu, but I still don't know how to face them huh... pathetic.
  5. Why should I care, didn't even know them all that well. I was being hopeful, to be ignorant but the evidences weighs heavily against them. Never been someone that mattered enough in the community, so I can't really go too deep. I need answers but all I kept seeing are more questions. Who should I trust now? It doesn't help that I have been lacking sleep lately, I can't make any deduction yet, everything seemed plausible. First, there's the case of a childhood hero. He was an actor for a show over 10 years ago. Always been relatively engaging to fans in English and showed great reputation. A day ago though, I learned about a divorce amid all these chaos. What's so bad about it, was the fact he caught cheating. A man, hero of children engaged in that kind of behavior. I don't know, just felt betrayed. Why should I care about people who get paid to play roles anyways. Then, there was this cancellisation of a certain someone rather important to another person I hold dear. The person always been showing that they cared about the people, very passionate. Was not close to them but for a dear friend I had, they were in a relationship with them and it was healthy. They were happy to be with them, and I wished it stayed that way, especially with how bridges had to be burnt to get to that point. I don't know what to believe, because I do not know enough about them to defend this sudden accusation. All of this seemed fishy still, since the person we had to cut off suddenly reemerged when they were being chastised. I am very suspicious that one of two accusations against them were fabricated since clout can be manipulated that way and that was a community that revolves around getting attention in terms of ears. Then the third, there was this distance that was so close yet became so far. I am sick to admit this, in fact I already had my stomach content cleared out a few minutes ago. I am sick to admit I got betrayed so often. A friend of mine, that went overseas broke our code. He was involved with predatory crimes. Crime is one thing, but to ruin the future of next generation is an action taken far. I am getting real tired, being with people are getting exhausting even online and I cannot just take a break. Individually I won't amount to much, but as a cog in the machine of society I need to do what I can, as soon as I can.
  6. I uh, made something for this. Hopefully I made it in time. Forgiveness.docx
  7. I, am all over the place right now. I'm trying to list-en, trying to find opportunities within these obstacles. As mentioned before, I'm working on creating VTubing content. A sudden urge of motivation yesterday got me finally making huge progress on my VRoid model. I was also blessed with new ideas for writing. All seemed good on a Friday, as I'm excitedly waiting for the 3-Day Challenge on BSS to start the countdown. I wasn't prepared, for what's to come. My laptop, had problems after problems for the whole day. I can't work on anything, and basically lost all progress made. I'm back to step 0. I took a deep breath, and tried to smile as I try to convince myself I could do better now... I know I can. I tore off a page from my notes, I am making a new list. Later yesterday, I received a call from my close friend. He was one of the few schoolmate I am still in touch with. He's actually one of the reasons I do look forward to coming back to my hometown, next to my family of course. He didn't get good grades due since he was absent from school due to his terrible health conditions. He was bright person though, I noticed it back when I helped him catch up with studies. We kinda got close because of that, he became one of my most loyal circle. He called, to tell me that he's hospitalized. He is one of the high risk category so it's very scary to think about it. I tried my best to tell him that it's going to be fine, and all we can do is wait. We will know the result in like 2 weeks. I felt list-less, and basically slept most of yesterday. I don't know how much energy I have to handle these, now that I woke up today. My priorities are all tangled and I don't know where to start. I am still drained today, I just wanted to sleep, but I know the 3-Day Challenge is counting down.
  8. Day 0 Ahhh, quite a nostalgic feeling, my back hitting the cold floor was something familiar long ago. A feeling of warmth also spread from my chest, a welcomed but an unexpected sensation. My chest barely rose or collapse, it is so hard to draw any breath. Never thought I would find any joy in this, pinned down by a broken spear driven into my chest. However, I cannot help it but to smile, as I am closing my eyes forever. I noticed a figure kneeling by my side right before I closed my eyes, but it doesn't matter now. At least, that was what I thought. Even as I was slowly losing my senses, I could still hear them. The words of someone praying for me. It soon came to my realisation that the voice was familiar, it was from my slayer. Her gentle tone now far contrasted how relentless she was in our fight before. I could not ask for a better person that will bring me demise, I thought as I am preparing to finally be released from this cursed body. As fate would have it though, a feeling of warmth returned to my left hand. Taken by surprise, I opened my eyes to see her holding my hand with both of hers. I let out a chuckle, I am the worst. This woman, let her tears drop for me but all I was thinking is how beautiful she is even when crying. This was really an evening full of surprises, but what surprised me the most was what she would be doing next. She, asked me why. "Why would you don this name? Why would you pretend to be Dracula?" she asked as her tears stopped flowing but her eyes were still red and saddened. I really am the worst, because all I could answer was "But I am. I am the Dracula you all know, although not the one he supposed to be" as my life was finally extinguished.
  9. Trying to express myself through a video. Kinda really bad at it. https://youtu.be/u7QQlLiG9g0
  10. Oh my God, I'm laaaaaate! Ahem, I mean welcome eyes! My grammar and vocabulary seems to be limited as of late, so I decided to write a cliffhanger for every single day of Ramadan. So without further ado, allow Mr Truck to hit you into the next two worlds
  11. sigh It's helpful but Ryan pulled out that memory again. I'm thankful for the reminder but man it hits different right now. I thought I wasn't prideful, but this feeling in my chest raises suspicion. The thing is unlike Ryan's , the reaffirmation I gave the person wasn't as sincere. It became a twisted relationship, a relationship where the person became dependant. Huh, bold of me to say the word dependant. I did what I could, but I know some part of me is holding back. I didn't treasure them enough. I didn't take them seriously enough, I was being hopefully that they wouldn't do it. I wasn't the most honest person, and for that I've always doubted if I ever love anyone. Not even my family, which I really hope I do. But I was raised with good intentions, so I became polite. I became reserved and not too aggressive. I was hopeful that it won't come to it, but you know of why most of my stories started. I lost. A person is lost, a world is lost. All because I 'got busy'. All because I 'don't want to deal with this right now'. All because I didn't have compassion. So now I clutch my hands, holding on to the rare time where she's thankful for me. The rare time she accepted herself and genuinely enjoyed life, in my company. It's cold of me to say this, but "I lost some time. It's time for me to get to working again". I should pick up my things and go pursue my dreams again. But what are 'my things'? What should I be doing again to handle this? This lack of empathy stunted me. I just keep going "Ah, that happened. Hope it becomes something good instead" and just walked away. I've become a bystander, and I feel like the place for me within this world isn't fitting. I feel like if I don't see people suffering anymore, then I just cease to be doing anything. I can't change the perspective of mine. I shouldn't accept the things as it is. But I just don't feel like it. I feel apathetic.
  12. I haven't been able to sleep properly ever since the last question of mine have been answered. Kept trying to hit bed earlier but I just ended up leaving both my laptop and phone to wander in my house. My legs wanted to keep moving, literally. Rather relieved that I managed to sate my gluttony recently, or I would have dealt heavy blows onto our food stock on those nights. These seeds of dark thoughts are sown, the needs of these thoughts unknown Up next is the reaping, dark lex is creeping I am not really a fan to talk about my country or even my faith. It felt like pushing other people to react to it, it felt like I was not introducing myself. You knew the reputation of my faith, so I decided curiosity would be a better way to bring them up rather than blatantly going direct missionary style. So I presented myself rather vaguely, while also trying to be open as a person so we could have both sides accepting each other. I sow these seeds of curiosity , so a discussion can be reap seriously. The government decided to extend the Movement Restriction Order (MRO) until almost the end of April. It is not a surprise, given the situation we all are still in. The Bazaars were already cancelled early on, so it was a dead giveaway if it was the first. At this rate, it would also be natural to think that this could be extended beyond even May. I wish I could say that I can handle losing the Bazaars just fine, but then I would just be a liar, a sad liar. They hold quite the significance among my people, and when I say my people I meant all my fellow countrymen no matter the race, religious beliefs or social standing. It was also a personal attachment of mine, if I needed to be honest. The Bazaars are very special, cause they will only be open about a month almost annually. The Bazaars is an opportunity, as massive numbers of people gather to deal our favorite products, food. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never underestimate how much food matters to my people. It was the foundation, and the very proof of how people can unite under a land classified as a melting pot of different cultures. The Bazaars also promote creativity, as the vendors desperately try to distinct their product to attract business. The very allure of Bazaars in the first place is how exclusive the food can be. Sowing my passion in, showing where reaping begin. All of these, leads to a very heart gutting realization... " What of my grandmother? ". You see, The Bazaars I kept mentioning are the Ramadan Bazaars. Bazaars that are only open in the Holy month where the people of my faith do something that was frequently mentioned in the streams, fasting. While it was overshadowed by the next month, Syawal that is known to be the month of Eid al Fitr, the month of Ramadan is also a month of celebration. Unlike Syawal as the month of Eid al Fitr that celebrated the victory over the completion of a month of fasting, Ramadan itself is celebrated as the month where we are defining our faith. It was a month of perseverance, understanding, charity and all things virtuous. It was a month where people actually gather in the most lovely manner. Don't get me wrong, I love breakfast but to break fast is a lot more meaningful in several ways. To break fast, for me is a gathering that is more than just to dine after dusk. To break fast, is the acknowledgement of the days everyone faces. To break fast, is to be thankful. Sowing some context, to reap some sense for the next. All of these years, we managed to make it. No matter how busy it gets, we would always be able to visit at least once to break fast together. Years passed by and my father lost both of his parents, in the same year which really shaken up that side of the family. As the only grandparent I had left, it saddens me that we would not be able to gather around for her. The mother of my mother, will be alone for the two most treasured months. I am a bit exaggerating, cause she loved it there. The village is a place with a lot of her treasures. It is where her friends and neighbors live, it is near where her husband is buried, and it is where she know that we will look for her at. She is a strong woman, but these months is where my fellow faithful will remember the dead the most. We all accepted their passing, we went beyond mourning, but we still wish, we still wish that the ones who passed could be blessed by the month. To not be able to visit her even once now is heartbreaking, cause this this family still had a second home before this year started. I, wanted to be there as one of her grandchildren. I, wanted to tell her that I got an offer to study in university again. I wanted to see that smile of hers. I, don't want her to waste food that I definitely knows she's making with the love of her family in mind. I, can't settle with just calling her. I am selfish about this, but I do not want to lose another grandparent without being someone respectable. She already gave me a scare earlier this year, so forgive me for being impatient with time again. I already miss getting the gate open, to see her either tending to her trees or chickens. I already miss, joking with her and seeing the glimpse of fake teeth. I already miss, how brutally honest with me about my used to be incompetence. I, am beyond selfish to only mention myself so many times. We, as a family misses her and pray for her best. I don't know what kind of fate is sown, but I will find out when time of reap is shown.
  13. Languages, a foundation of culture for humanity. Rather fitting, to find a coincidence within the words I'm looking for in Japanese. 'Niku' is a Japanese word for meat. 'Nikui' on the other hand, often used to express hatred or to say something is difficult to handle. Very fitting, cause the very hatred I have is down to the flesh of my body. Hatred also made it difficult to accept. This hatred of mine, towards myself is quite the enemy. I'd like to be accepting, I'd like to have love but this is hypocrisy when I can't even acknowledge myself. Every single day I'd wake up and thank God for another day, but every single day will point out multiple flaws in myself, hooray. I'm looking, my sight shortened both physically and mentally but I'm looking. I've bit my tongue too many times, joking about being narcissistic. It wasn't to reassure myself though, it was just some sassy entertainment for those looking, but I'm pessimistic. I hate my incapabilities. So I'm moving foward with honing new skills in mind. I hate my looks. So I move in hope to look fine. I hate how hateful I can be ... and became judgemental because of it. I want to say I love my extended family, but man it's a game of judging with them. I hate how they are right, and how hypocrite they are. But who am I right? Just a nephew studying locally and struggling even at his age. I want to say that I can forgive. But the hatred in my flesh did not forget. I became biased, I became mean. Why are they looking at me? I can't even look at myself for long. I hate this person in the mirror, so I hope he lived long. I hope je suffer a lot and learn, cause I hate me right now andnd he hated me too. I hated a lot of things, cause they happen to be part of me. I hate liars cause I am one. I hate idiots cause I am one. I hate sadists cause I want to. I hate Aqil Muqashim, because he didn't grow. I keep getting a rewind, but I failed all the same. I need to keep going, but I feel worthless sometimes. My mind can't get clear, emotions taking over. I am simply overwhelmed by myself. I've thrown up and had to put my hand on the wall just to support me showering. I'm collapsing as a person, and literally at this point. I just wanted to live.
  14. The 'main' definition of fleet is a number of warships under a single command. Hope you know what I am bringing isn't war, in fact it's the opposite . However, fleet also can be a word to define swift motion. Fleet, or rather what's fleeting for me is time. I, with the chain of events these days, sunk into hikikomori life again. I have become, what you call a big procrastinator. It's comical really, yet the two weeks away before classes start again becomes one week today. I guess I shouldn't say procrastination, since I've completed the things I need to do and have been following schedules and routines. But that's just it, I have been occupied with doing the things I need to do, and things wanted to do that I forgot to try things. It's not that I don't have time, as we all know I have all the time in the world right now. It's just now that I am free I felt days are quite uneventful compared to days of university. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I have been living healthily lately, with all the activities like working out, tending to my green children, and house chores. I feel slow, like this loop of days have been a weight wrapped around my legs. I am always happy to help around the house, but I feel like I keep forgetting a few things. Like I don't want to this life to change. What is going on? Why am I contradicting myself? I have been trying to move forward, to face changes all this time. For the sake of making my past worth, and for the future of not just myself, but everyone I can reach I have vowed to keep at it. What is going on? I know it's fine to be accepting, but there's this doubt in the back of my mind. If I need to put a image for it, it's a black cat on top on a tall corner furniture. I love cats, and will always be glad that they will tolerate my presence. The thing is, why is it up there in the corner? And what's more is, I don't even keep cats a pets. Where in the bloody world did you come from little one? I feel watched, I feel judged for everything I do. I don't like feeling alone but the feeling of presence looming over me isn't something I'd even wish for my enemies. I don't even want enemies. I would like to think that I have faith, and my god is a benevolent watcher. But this isn't the feeling of a faithful believer about God watching over him, but this felt familiar... this felt like having realization of a third person viewpoint, with first person view stitched up into it. Is it I that watches myself?
  15. Connection is defined as relationships or links between two things whether they were of the same or different nature. To be set back from managing my connection proved to be troublesome right now, as it destroys several aspect of me as a person and plans I have been trying to carry out. And now, a particular development shook my world again. The order is out. By the Chancellor's approval, all students of the People's Trust Party University of Technology will be attending their studies online for the whole semester. It sounded like a paranoia inclined decision, but with the uncertainty of the current situation it became a necessary step. Movement Restriction Order (MRO) is being carried out here. Only one representative of a family is allowed at one time, and hopefully it will end before 14th of April. It sounded like a dream for some, to not have to attend university physically and handle the chaos that comes with the daily life alongside it. For me however, it is a major setback in proceeding with my plans. I cannot stress this anymore that I have several times before, I need connections. It can be the Internet, other people or even all the personalities within me, I need to sort them out. So yeah, my first step in gaining connections from within the university will be halted for another half a year. I'll try to connect with my fellow classmates and coursemates online, but the limited time we had spent together before will make the efforts take longer than it could be if I could face them physically. I'm fine going online to connect with people, but my energy can only last so much. Facing people right in front of you takes a different energy from you. Let's just say I don't think I have enough energy to handle all these different people online. I am an ambivert, I can be alone but this physically disconnected society we are in right now took a lot of toll. I'll admit may not be the most charismatic or sociable person, but seeing the faces of other people do bring me joy. It helps in reminding me of what I need to do, what I want to do. I can see who I will be working with, and hopefully see who they are right now before they achieve their own greatness. I'm glad I'm with my family right now, they have been great and I love them but there are moments where I find myself empty and with the current situation even our family doesn't gather except for dinner. This distance I had with people, and the distance I put myself from people before stacked up. It manifested in worrying ways, as I learnt a few nights ago. I've been suspecting it for a while, from the lack of memories I had. Waking up sitting on a chair sounded normal, but then you realized that you were in bed. So now to add with my lack of individual personality, I also apparently sleepwalk. I sleepwalked and sat at the dinner table because I felt so lonely subconsciously. I just, I just, I am just baffled. Not only do I need to handle occasional cryptic mutterings and newly developed stutterings but I also need to consider my body might be wandering of on some nights. At this rate I'm going to talk like a really shy anime girl half of the time and scare myself as I whisper things only cult leaders would say the other half of the time. Talking to the mirror sadly didn't help bring out my confidence, it just causes scares of the reflection I saw I am mouthing. I never thought that it would be so massively manifested physically in my eyes, but not for others. I've been more interactive with my family now, but of course they can't notice as the signs went into hiding. I knew I was very good at lying, and I'm very afraid of lying at myself. I'm just confused, are these signs just cleverly hidden from others? Or was it something worse? Was it just in my head? Am I creating a problem where it shouldn't be? Or is it part of my personalities merging? Am I going to be deviated from the mental and spiritual development I was striving for? Or am I just trying to blame everything on parts of insanity, because I don't want to take responsibility? What is real anymore? Who am I anymore? Which one of me wrote these questions? Will I ever remember that I had multiple selves? Or will my aware self forget everything and keep on living, constantly cycling through my personalities without knowing anymore, without caring anymore. Without decency anymore.
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