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AqilJoy last won the day on May 21

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About AqilJoy

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  • Birthday 05/04/1999

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  1. Leaving the nest, a very important part in growth. To leave such... safety and comfort required resolve. I have no idea where life might take us, should I get excited? Long story short this became literal, as basically quarantine got us first years kicked out from living within campus grounds. We'll get our refunds by next year, hopefully. But yeah, next semester basically will have us living in clusters. I am relatively new to the there, and with how the area is still being developed, it's going to need a bit more research than usual to find a house to rent. As much as my classmates are going to give me headaches, they'll prove useful in this matter so I'm not really worried about it at all. Life will change drastically, since I will be having less time to spare as I will be going back and forth a lot more, which actually brought up tonight's topic. I'm, a little bit nervous to come out and say this but it was long overdue. I guess I'm graduating Don't Worry Wednesday? I've been contemplating this for a while, ever since Joe helped in bringing back the show. Life goes on, season changes and it was probably time for me to make a change too. But I never did, for the last year. A lot happened and my own little project inspired by DWW had to be scrapped too. However, that doesn't mean I will not face off with difficulties. Being on DWW really emphasize on one particular thing, that most of the time we all are capable enough to face difficulties, it was more of the matter of perspectives that became our obstacles. Sometimes hearing the same thing lingering in the back of our mind to be said by another person was all we needed. Aqil : I'm worried. BSS: Don't be, it's alright. Aqil: Oh man, that made sense. Thanks! I have been doing the opposite, I got too attached and reliant to this show. It was limiting myself really, something my low self esteem manipulated. Voices saying things like "I'm not good enough" or "This will not amount well" echoed in my head for too long. So I decided to challenge all of that. I'm far from wise and is definitely not a perfect person for this, but I just gotta do it. It is certainly ironic, but I gotta look at my issues in the eyes again. I need to have faith in myself again, I want to be competent. With all of that said, I'm going to live again and see where it goes. If I can be honest though, I am still very nervous. The road ahead is still unknown, I do not know how far I could go. So, I ask of you one last question... how should I go with 'Troubled Not Today' .
  2. Untimely would be an understatement to be honest, but I am lacking the ability to express my thoughts properly right now. I am just confuzzled. Say, where would you draw the line as a content creator? Where would art forms or any other kind creations in general be wrong? What can be said? More importantly, what should be said? The world has always been changing, but nowadays I just feel estranged from it. I need to catch up, felt like I have been in the past for too long. I do not know if I can create anything ‘good’, the concept became alien for me. I do not know if ‘I’ could be of any good right now. I know that I am taking a break from writing right now, but thoughts keep flooding into my head. Ideas that I dropped before began reconstructing themselves in my mind. But I should not write them, not now, not ever with how the world is going. For all it is worth, I want to salvage what is left of my morality. It just felt wrong to write something so close when conflicts are escalating right now. Before creation, there was nothingness. Before light, there was darkness. And for my ideas? Came with my lost pieces of patience. I selfishly write because I felt unsettled enough to. That should be obvious by now, with how much I could put out as ‘contribution’ to Don’t Worry Wednesday. Fate really plays with impeccable timings though. I got a call a day ago, a job offer you could say. It was from a ghost writer, an acquaintance I never expected to hear from again. This may be rich, coming from a person who could only write darker toned stories but the draft I was sent really brought a sense of hopelessness. I contacted them for confirmation, and my chest tightened upon hearing from them again. It was made recently. The ideas were written to profit from the infamy of the protests going on right now. I really have no right to criticize them though, since a similar draft actually came to my mind when my people were handling issues from Myanmar refuges weeks ago. I never thought I would thank creativity block, but I am. My lack of ability to write saved me from creating something cursed back then, but now another opportunity came up. I am really an idiot aren’t I? I let a long awaited chance slip by. I could have used the money, might be able to be well equipped enough to actually make progress with my personal project. Could have use the money to help others, but should I? This is a bit selfish but I am afraid, afraid that my words will finally have meaning for others, afraid of my mistakes from the past. I don’t think it would end well if I become involved with ghost writing with that kind of work in demand right now. I guess that is how I said my farewell to another underworld, the one of word smithery. All of this just means that I cannot hide anymore, now I need to fulfill expectations. I will be leaving all of that for another day though, since with how my mind is going right now I risk of debuting with something depressing for both the readers and myself. Take this with grains of salt, but pride month really highlight what I was avoiding to do. Take a look at the big companies trying to present themselves in a very fabricated image. I got respect to the ones actually doing it properly for the cause though. Tonight’s rambling was brought to you by Aqil ‘Joe’ Mukhashen. PS: I have been insensitive with my puns so I also decided to stop, so that’s that.
  3. I have been losing a lot of sleep lately. In fact, I don't think I have a sleep schedule anymore. The 'I', turned into we now that I got whispers in my head again. Some of them are tired in tone, the rest filled with excitement and energy God knows where it comes from. This contrast of energy in my mind basically stretched out and created extremes on both ends. My head is getting heavier, but my mind went around the world less than 80 days, on foot. I can't even get tired at this point, my mind keep being active even after intense workout. I end up passing out and waking up to sleep-typing gibberish on random times. I can no longer dream. My mind right now wander too much, I think it is now in Yemen. So yeah, I can no longer the destination. I just kept stretching myself thin, losing focus. For the first time ever, I burned an egg. It was then I realized how my daily routine was affected. I no longer feel refreshed taking a bath. Food have taste but unfulfilling. Me? All of me stopped smiling. I don't even know what I'm going with this anymore. I guess subconsciously I triggered something that unearthed my buried selves. Now it's all chaotic in my mind and I just can't hear a darn thing. That's one of the thing I wanted to do, I want to listen. I'm not really a person with words, so I kept my ears open. Right now? I wish I could rip them off. ...That was a stupid idea, cause the voices came from me. My hand eye coordination becomes way off. I am always on the verge of collapsing but my mind kept pushing. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired why am I writing. I'm tired, why do I keep talking to people. I'm tired, what was I doing again?
  4. I am the worst. I thought we've established that I don't need to do everything, but instead do what I can but this back of my mind consumed my judgement again, regurgitated questionable depictions of what I'm supposed to do. I need to be grounded, to have proper reason. Don't be dumb founded, adapt to the season. I need to collect myself. Yes, maybe visiting grandma was a great idea. A small family gathering, such merrily catering... yet I didn't feel it was fitting. I kept noding and helping out, but I feel estranged... left out. I'm just confused, I was glad to be there but all that felt fleeting. I can't get a word in. Can't even express how much joy too see my grandma again. I was just there, I guess. The day passed by and I guess the special day restriction lift was over. Back to home, I guess? The Prime Minister is under quarantine, almost 200 new cases was detected when we were doing so well, and the case from last week was shown to be something I'm very afaid of... blooming racial tension. I kept crossing my fingers hoping it was a driver under alcohol influence, it was far better than to realise that he would do it while in the right mind. I guess peace isn't an option right now, I guess we'll have to wait it out. I guess the driver will be let go with a disabled person pass. I guess I'll go work out and sleep again. I guess I'll pretend to be an idiot online again.
  5. It's uh, more on the lighter side of topic. But yeah, how to friend? Halp! For real though, the internet is an interesting place filled with characters. Sometimes my brain just turned off and I don't know how to handle people. Princess Transcription Notes: Well, hello there. So, ya it's Eid's season coming up which I kinda have been reflecting for. You see, it's kinda sighs It's kinda natural to reflect yourself upon a milestone. And this is the end of Ramadan. Which is the whole fasting month for the people of my faith. So yeah, I'm kinda thinking about what's been going on during quarantine I guess. One thing I want to ask about is friendship actually. You see, the internet is a wild place because you can be so far, and yet so close. So found new friends you could say, but I don't really know what they feel about me. Probably just some random old guy. Anyways, I just thought I should ask "How do I be a friend?" So ya. That's kinda my question. I am quite an awkward person. It is a day before Eid which is a very significant celebration to my faith a day of victory so I'm spending time reflecting. Things have changed quite a bit during the quarantine and I somehow made new friends. The thing is... I don't know how to be a friend, halp.
  6. Pena, is Portuguese for feather. Pena is also a formal word for pen in my language. Quill, my self proclaimed nickname was inspired by both it and the rhyme it had with my first name. Pena also sounded feminine so my younger self decided not to use it directly. I thought I could hold on to the name Quill, but lately I realized that I shouldn't. I will not be writing professionally, I will do it when I can. I am putting writing on an indefinite hiatus, I need to find more pieces of myself other than this guy who write sometimes. I guess I felt ordinary, plain. I guess I feel like an ordinary Joe (no offense). I just feel like my significance on low nowadays, I am cannon fodder. I guess I should try new things.
  7. I need to watch my diet, since the stress doesn't help with my blood pressure right now. It has been a tiring weekend plus a few more days, with sadly little to no progress. I don't know where I am going with this, I guess I'm mentally tired? I probably dug myself too deep at this point, as an public administration student and a relatively young person on the Internet. I thought I was stronger than this, but my research as a student and my own personal observations led me to more disappointments than I could handle right now. As a student, I am required to be updated with what's going on. What this led to is the disgust on how politics, our other half of the government was playing out. I was of age to vote about 2 weeks ago, and the realization gave me quite the headache... to think, that one day I'm going to have to work with probably even worse people in the future. I'm being selfish bringing that up, sorry. Then, as one of the people using the Internet nowadays, I tried to do something I like. I was looking through the history of Romania to find inspiration, since my Tiga Puluh Hari post here was on an indefinite hiatus. Surprise, surprise... more drama happened. After working on my 3D model, I thought I could finally get some discussions going on to improve and learn more. But I guess you can't have new Romans when Rome burns. So I decided to hold off on the development and read up on the drama too. I thought understanding more of the situation would help my head clear off. I was mistaken, cause now I have a headache and I feel sick. As of last post, I'm starting to lose my sense of self again. That's kinda one of the reasons I left the server recently, trying to not bring more negativity in. This new low of significance doesn't feel good, and I admit it is selfish of me to say that. After all, at this point I can't get anything done. I'm no longer creative, if I ever was at one point. I am no longer consistently kind, cause I ended up using silence. I am tone deaf and my face would lead to someone wishing for death. I am also becoming an idiot, a gullible and insensitive dum dum. I have midterms coming, so I'm walking away. It's not like I can do anything about it right now. It's not like I have to care about strangers online. It's not like it was not normal these days to lack the care for others. It's not like I matter right now. Yes, I am a coward. I ran away. All I wanted to do is curl up on my bed. Not that I got much sleep anyways. The fetal position was just right for me, since I'm a big baby. Let me sleep in the dark for a bit, and pray that I can open my eyes with a fresh view. I'm sorry for the lack of proper writing lately. I am terrible at being a human with emotion, in expressing it. Now, I doubt if I actually learnt anything, because mimicry can produce similar results when I think about it. *sigh* This felt roundabout, all of these felt like Deja Vu, but I still don't know how to face them huh... pathetic.
  8. Why should I care, didn't even know them all that well. I was being hopeful, to be ignorant but the evidences weighs heavily against them. Never been someone that mattered enough in the community, so I can't really go too deep. I need answers but all I kept seeing are more questions. Who should I trust now? It doesn't help that I have been lacking sleep lately, I can't make any deduction yet, everything seemed plausible. First, there's the case of a childhood hero. He was an actor for a show over 10 years ago. Always been relatively engaging to fans in English and showed great reputation. A day ago though, I learned about a divorce amid all these chaos. What's so bad about it, was the fact he caught cheating. A man, hero of children engaged in that kind of behavior. I don't know, just felt betrayed. Why should I care about people who get paid to play roles anyways. Then, there was this cancellisation of a certain someone rather important to another person I hold dear. The person always been showing that they cared about the people, very passionate. Was not close to them but for a dear friend I had, they were in a relationship with them and it was healthy. They were happy to be with them, and I wished it stayed that way, especially with how bridges had to be burnt to get to that point. I don't know what to believe, because I do not know enough about them to defend this sudden accusation. All of this seemed fishy still, since the person we had to cut off suddenly reemerged when they were being chastised. I am very suspicious that one of two accusations against them were fabricated since clout can be manipulated that way and that was a community that revolves around getting attention in terms of ears. Then the third, there was this distance that was so close yet became so far. I am sick to admit this, in fact I already had my stomach content cleared out a few minutes ago. I am sick to admit I got betrayed so often. A friend of mine, that went overseas broke our code. He was involved with predatory crimes. Crime is one thing, but to ruin the future of next generation is an action taken far. I am getting real tired, being with people are getting exhausting even online and I cannot just take a break. Individually I won't amount to much, but as a cog in the machine of society I need to do what I can, as soon as I can.
  9. I uh, made something for this. Hopefully I made it in time. Forgiveness.docx
  10. I, am all over the place right now. I'm trying to list-en, trying to find opportunities within these obstacles. As mentioned before, I'm working on creating VTubing content. A sudden urge of motivation yesterday got me finally making huge progress on my VRoid model. I was also blessed with new ideas for writing. All seemed good on a Friday, as I'm excitedly waiting for the 3-Day Challenge on BSS to start the countdown. I wasn't prepared, for what's to come. My laptop, had problems after problems for the whole day. I can't work on anything, and basically lost all progress made. I'm back to step 0. I took a deep breath, and tried to smile as I try to convince myself I could do better now... I know I can. I tore off a page from my notes, I am making a new list. Later yesterday, I received a call from my close friend. He was one of the few schoolmate I am still in touch with. He's actually one of the reasons I do look forward to coming back to my hometown, next to my family of course. He didn't get good grades due since he was absent from school due to his terrible health conditions. He was bright person though, I noticed it back when I helped him catch up with studies. We kinda got close because of that, he became one of my most loyal circle. He called, to tell me that he's hospitalized. He is one of the high risk category so it's very scary to think about it. I tried my best to tell him that it's going to be fine, and all we can do is wait. We will know the result in like 2 weeks. I felt list-less, and basically slept most of yesterday. I don't know how much energy I have to handle these, now that I woke up today. My priorities are all tangled and I don't know where to start. I am still drained today, I just wanted to sleep, but I know the 3-Day Challenge is counting down.
  11. Day 0 Ahhh, quite a nostalgic feeling, my back hitting the cold floor was something familiar long ago. A feeling of warmth also spread from my chest, a welcomed but an unexpected sensation. My chest barely rose or collapse, it is so hard to draw any breath. Never thought I would find any joy in this, pinned down by a broken spear driven into my chest. However, I cannot help it but to smile, as I am closing my eyes forever. I noticed a figure kneeling by my side right before I closed my eyes, but it doesn't matter now. At least, that was what I thought. Even as I was slowly losing my senses, I could still hear them. The words of someone praying for me. It soon came to my realisation that the voice was familiar, it was from my slayer. Her gentle tone now far contrasted how relentless she was in our fight before. I could not ask for a better person that will bring me demise, I thought as I am preparing to finally be released from this cursed body. As fate would have it though, a feeling of warmth returned to my left hand. Taken by surprise, I opened my eyes to see her holding my hand with both of hers. I let out a chuckle, I am the worst. This woman, let her tears drop for me but all I was thinking is how beautiful she is even when crying. This was really an evening full of surprises, but what surprised me the most was what she would be doing next. She, asked me why. "Why would you don this name? Why would you pretend to be Dracula?" she asked as her tears stopped flowing but her eyes were still red and saddened. I really am the worst, because all I could answer was "But I am. I am the Dracula you all know, although not the one he supposed to be" as my life was finally extinguished.
  12. Trying to express myself through a video. Kinda really bad at it. https://youtu.be/u7QQlLiG9g0
  13. Oh my God, I'm laaaaaate! Ahem, I mean welcome eyes! My grammar and vocabulary seems to be limited as of late, so I decided to write a cliffhanger for every single day of Ramadan. So without further ado, allow Mr Truck to hit you into the next two worlds
  14. sigh It's helpful but Ryan pulled out that memory again. I'm thankful for the reminder but man it hits different right now. I thought I wasn't prideful, but this feeling in my chest raises suspicion. The thing is unlike Ryan's , the reaffirmation I gave the person wasn't as sincere. It became a twisted relationship, a relationship where the person became dependant. Huh, bold of me to say the word dependant. I did what I could, but I know some part of me is holding back. I didn't treasure them enough. I didn't take them seriously enough, I was being hopefully that they wouldn't do it. I wasn't the most honest person, and for that I've always doubted if I ever love anyone. Not even my family, which I really hope I do. But I was raised with good intentions, so I became polite. I became reserved and not too aggressive. I was hopeful that it won't come to it, but you know of why most of my stories started. I lost. A person is lost, a world is lost. All because I 'got busy'. All because I 'don't want to deal with this right now'. All because I didn't have compassion. So now I clutch my hands, holding on to the rare time where she's thankful for me. The rare time she accepted herself and genuinely enjoyed life, in my company. It's cold of me to say this, but "I lost some time. It's time for me to get to working again". I should pick up my things and go pursue my dreams again. But what are 'my things'? What should I be doing again to handle this? This lack of empathy stunted me. I just keep going "Ah, that happened. Hope it becomes something good instead" and just walked away. I've become a bystander, and I feel like the place for me within this world isn't fitting. I feel like if I don't see people suffering anymore, then I just cease to be doing anything. I can't change the perspective of mine. I shouldn't accept the things as it is. But I just don't feel like it. I feel apathetic.
  15. I haven't been able to sleep properly ever since the last question of mine have been answered. Kept trying to hit bed earlier but I just ended up leaving both my laptop and phone to wander in my house. My legs wanted to keep moving, literally. Rather relieved that I managed to sate my gluttony recently, or I would have dealt heavy blows onto our food stock on those nights. These seeds of dark thoughts are sown, the needs of these thoughts unknown Up next is the reaping, dark lex is creeping I am not really a fan to talk about my country or even my faith. It felt like pushing other people to react to it, it felt like I was not introducing myself. You knew the reputation of my faith, so I decided curiosity would be a better way to bring them up rather than blatantly going direct missionary style. So I presented myself rather vaguely, while also trying to be open as a person so we could have both sides accepting each other. I sow these seeds of curiosity , so a discussion can be reap seriously. The government decided to extend the Movement Restriction Order (MRO) until almost the end of April. It is not a surprise, given the situation we all are still in. The Bazaars were already cancelled early on, so it was a dead giveaway if it was the first. At this rate, it would also be natural to think that this could be extended beyond even May. I wish I could say that I can handle losing the Bazaars just fine, but then I would just be a liar, a sad liar. They hold quite the significance among my people, and when I say my people I meant all my fellow countrymen no matter the race, religious beliefs or social standing. It was also a personal attachment of mine, if I needed to be honest. The Bazaars are very special, cause they will only be open about a month almost annually. The Bazaars is an opportunity, as massive numbers of people gather to deal our favorite products, food. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never underestimate how much food matters to my people. It was the foundation, and the very proof of how people can unite under a land classified as a melting pot of different cultures. The Bazaars also promote creativity, as the vendors desperately try to distinct their product to attract business. The very allure of Bazaars in the first place is how exclusive the food can be. Sowing my passion in, showing where reaping begin. All of these, leads to a very heart gutting realization... " What of my grandmother? ". You see, The Bazaars I kept mentioning are the Ramadan Bazaars. Bazaars that are only open in the Holy month where the people of my faith do something that was frequently mentioned in the streams, fasting. While it was overshadowed by the next month, Syawal that is known to be the month of Eid al Fitr, the month of Ramadan is also a month of celebration. Unlike Syawal as the month of Eid al Fitr that celebrated the victory over the completion of a month of fasting, Ramadan itself is celebrated as the month where we are defining our faith. It was a month of perseverance, understanding, charity and all things virtuous. It was a month where people actually gather in the most lovely manner. Don't get me wrong, I love breakfast but to break fast is a lot more meaningful in several ways. To break fast, for me is a gathering that is more than just to dine after dusk. To break fast, is the acknowledgement of the days everyone faces. To break fast, is to be thankful. Sowing some context, to reap some sense for the next. All of these years, we managed to make it. No matter how busy it gets, we would always be able to visit at least once to break fast together. Years passed by and my father lost both of his parents, in the same year which really shaken up that side of the family. As the only grandparent I had left, it saddens me that we would not be able to gather around for her. The mother of my mother, will be alone for the two most treasured months. I am a bit exaggerating, cause she loved it there. The village is a place with a lot of her treasures. It is where her friends and neighbors live, it is near where her husband is buried, and it is where she know that we will look for her at. She is a strong woman, but these months is where my fellow faithful will remember the dead the most. We all accepted their passing, we went beyond mourning, but we still wish, we still wish that the ones who passed could be blessed by the month. To not be able to visit her even once now is heartbreaking, cause this this family still had a second home before this year started. I, wanted to be there as one of her grandchildren. I, wanted to tell her that I got an offer to study in university again. I wanted to see that smile of hers. I, don't want her to waste food that I definitely knows she's making with the love of her family in mind. I, can't settle with just calling her. I am selfish about this, but I do not want to lose another grandparent without being someone respectable. She already gave me a scare earlier this year, so forgive me for being impatient with time again. I already miss getting the gate open, to see her either tending to her trees or chickens. I already miss, joking with her and seeing the glimpse of fake teeth. I already miss, how brutally honest with me about my used to be incompetence. I, am beyond selfish to only mention myself so many times. We, as a family misses her and pray for her best. I don't know what kind of fate is sown, but I will find out when time of reap is shown.
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